Chained To The Floor… By My Own Will…

If I Only Knew

The panic begins as the thought creeps in
My own heartbeat driving everything
I’m so lost against the sound
I don’t even exist anymore
The feelings I once had I don’t have any more
I see myself slipping down further than I ever thought
Chained to the floor
By my own will
A deep dark hole carved into a home
If I only knew, how could I have known
Always give myself one more day
This life is the longest day I will ever know
And starting tomorrow I’ll only have to let go
My fears are only the will to live
If only I knew, If only I had known
My fears would fade away as the day goes on
Existence an excuse to peel myself from the floor
Depression pressed against the skin
If only I knew, If only I had known
Not sure I would have gone on this long
The voices don’t go away they only get louder
Against the heartbeat of what I have to say
If I only knew, How could I have ever known
This would have all become my home
A grave dug from my soul
Told myself I wouldn’t
Not sure I know the difference anymore

That Wasn’t Flying… It Was Falling With Style…

At the edge, could you tell if it wasn’t for the end
Wasn’t going to make it easy
Wasn’t going to take no easy way out
Even if it wasn’t would anyone have noticed?
A silent prayer, the idea digs its way in
Like a moth to a flame
No one ever said I couldn’t but no one knew I could
Infected with thoughts that need no answers
My will was all that was ever needed
Passive aggressive sitting here with you
My mind feels sick but I’m unsure what healthy
Even is…
A long pause between the letters, between the words
Even if I was to get an answer
It’ll never be the one that I wanted in the end
No one ever said I couldn’t but no one knew I could
At the edge left wondering, same as you
Turning around was all that I could do
No use learning today what I already know
Not with all I have left to prove
Call it what you want, call it what you like
A will to live is no different from a will to die
No one ever asked and I never lied
Define the words for yourself
Don’t give up or prepare to die
Trepidation is the heart of fear
Confused, I don’t get the point either
No one ever said I couldn’t but no one knew I could
Figure it all out for myself in time

That last one was a hard one to put together… with a random title like that though… if you haven’t seen Toy Story… We can still be friends… but know that I am disappointed…

It really wasn’t that hard to put together… I had a hard time trying to figure out how to end it… Had a much darker ending before I scrapped it… a lot of my writing is like that actually… My God is famous for saying…“Censorship is the tool of those who have the need to hide actualities from themselves and from others. Their fear is only their inability to face what is real, and I can’t vent any anger against them.”

If I have one weakness as a writer it would be my own self censorship… it holds me back and it is a constant battle in my own head… providing me with plenty of guilt… I think as writer we do face a moral dilemma… at least I do… exacerbated by the this medium we find ourselves in… I think it was easier for our heroes to write with “no limits” given their outlets… their moral compass could be off the rails… because someone else did the censoring for them… someone else was there to say… “Hey, that went a little to far”…

This new generation of writers no longer has that… it is only after what we say is out there… after everything we have said has already been “read” by everyone… that we get any feed back and by then it is too late… what you said is what you said… and what you wrote is how you will feel now and always… it is a challenge we all face in our day to day lives… except fiction isn’t my day to day life… but I have to pretend that it is… through social media… through social existence…

Is what I am saying going to be taken a whole other way?… Did I just give someone the fuel to kill themselves because of something I am feeling or thinking?… Is everyone going to think I am racist… a piece of shit… a horrible person because I used one word over another?… Will they get the context or is it only in my head?… Words are words… Words are weapons… Words could be all that anyone needs… and yet words are all we have… words are what a writer lives for…

Good or bad… we base our thoughts and feelings by how others will take it… In person we have the ability to read a room… for example there is nothing wrong with talking about sex… describing sex… most of us have experienced it and will… it isn’t a big deal… a natural occurrence that most of us crave and think about endlessly… I mean if we didn’t… not one of us would be here… Now describe your sex life with your mother… Ask Grandma what her favorite position is… Ask your Dad what his partner’s genitals tastes like… Too far or only talking about things that exist?… things that many of us explore in our writing?… We self censor in our day to day lives… for good reasons… but as a writer why would I ever?… why should I have too in my writing?… Are you here because the sentences are really put together well… because their not… or are you here because of what I have to say?… Because I don’t hold back?… Because even I hold a lot of things back…

We lose this ability to read a room on twitter… facebook… this website… because there are too many rooms to read… granted we have this problem in print form too… except do we?.. sure I can buy a book from some random person… but I still purchased the book… I went out of my way to obtain these words… I didn’t stumble into a room… flip to a random page… and start reading… Though maybe I should?…

I want to be a better writer… who doesn’t?… but I also fear that I never will based on my own limitations… limits I put on myself… in fear that I will push someone somewhere I never intended… writing is so much more than just something to say… something to shock you with… or torment others with… writing is an art… writing is self expression even when it isn’t… writing is so much more than what any one of us thinks it is… I don’t think any of you are stupid… I don’t believe that a single one of you does’t get what it is that I’m writing about… I also know that I don’t know how to read a room… which is how I got into this business in the first place… talking out of my ass was all I ever knew how to do… I mean writing is all I have ever known how to do… Trepidation is the heart of fear…

Get Yours Today…

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