Yellow House, Brown Shutters

So, this is what it is like to belong? Belong to a family? Feeling useless or pointless ninety percent of the time. Feeling awkward in a room full of people you tell half-truths too in order to feel superior or make them feel proud of you. Family is nothing more than a group of strangers pretending they give a shit. Society, in general, is the same thing. Thin little threads made of lies hold it all together until it is time to fall apart. My thoughts are my own but, on some level, everyone in this room is thinking the same thing.

In some ways, I wish I could read minds. Not that I would have to in moments like these. More or less, we are all the same even if we don’t want to be. We are all self-serving, egotistical assholes yet we can’t get along for five minutes of a real conversation or thought. When such a thing even comes up the room goes silent to the point that even a whisper is a scream because everyone is afraid to unravel the lie that we all get along.

Maybe we aren’t meant to get along? Maybe we are supposed to yell and fight and hate each other in the open? Maybe just how we feel inside is what it means to be human?

“What are you thinking about?” My mother asks. “Nothing,” I take a bite of potatoes, “Nothing at all.”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” she smiles…

Happy Fucking Holidays… or whatever… Another event I have to sit through… another day I have to take in everything everyone has to say… This is why I spend most of my time in my basement drinking the time away… the whispers behind my back… giving them something to say… filling their mouths with words… I’m doing my part… not wearing a mask right now makes me feel naked… the mask never comes off… but this one itches… layers of skin exposed to the fresh air… the tainted smiles… and all the shit they have to say… misery is finding out this won’t end… even at my funeral… gathered around my body… saying the same old shit… the kids are all fucked up… the worlds on fire… and I don’t know why it has to rain right now… of all times for the world to keep moving on… as though it doesn’t give a shit… rambling on and there’s only three more hours left of this… shaking hands… giving hugs… eating the same old shit… if I went into a coma would any of them even notice?… would I even notice?… I guess I already did… unless this is it?… One long trapped nightmare inside my head… What is the point of any of this?…

Merch… Teespring… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Everyone else is out “enjoying” their family time… left me here to do all the work… click some links… buy some shit… who cares… it’s not like any of us are going to stop… I gave up on financial independence a long time ago… but someone hit those other assholes on the head with a hammer or something… they actually believe one day they… that this will all be something… I know better… I figured it out long ago… as Clayton Blackwood once said… “Government checks are there for a reason… someone has to pay for this shit”… so support the others or don’t support them… I’m drunk enough to know… that chasing ghosts is only for those with hope… that would make a for a good book title… chasing ghosts is all that we are doing… chasing them to the grave… phantom impressions of our former selves… maybe I’ll find mine some day… clutching a bottle… face resting on the keyboard… one can only hope…

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