Breaking the Fourth Wall…

I’m pretty laid back. I don’t express myself much through religion, cults, or anger. I get mad and I might even get offended though it takes a lot to get me there and I don’t remember the last time I was really offended. I told some body I was the other day because she burped near or around my face. I’m not sure that counts towards being offended or just thinking she was an asshole. Coworkers are assholes remember that. Usually though I am the one offending other people. Almost all the time I offend other people to the point that my friends have to signal me or use safe words to let me know that I need to calm it down. Is it because I am an asshole? Why am I even questioning that?

Maybe, but really it is because I’m not afraid to speak the truth. I’m not afraid to say that something is black when it is black and something is white when it is white. I know that there is gray out there. I get that. I’m not a fan of the gray. It leaves the possibility of too many what ifs. Getting off point, but I’m not sure because I never really have a point in all of this. I’m laid back. Most people tell me any and everything. Helps with character development so I don’t mind. Well, I do mind because I hate people, but sometimes out of the hate grows new people. For those of you who don’t know that is how babies are made. Unless you were made in a tube. Babies shouldn’t be made in a tube. A gray area topic, but then again, most babies shouldn’t have been here in the first place. Now we’ve found our way to the center of the dark gray cloud that hangs over my head.

I don’t know the whole topic is so touch and go. No one wants to see a baby die including this heartless bastard, but at the same time traffic is getting to be too much. Why do people have to go anywhere any more anyways for anything? Is there such as thing as too many people? Apparently, there is and apparently the best way to combat that is to make more because they just won’t stop falling out of vaginas. Have you been to a Babies’r’us, however the fuck you spell it, there are so many babies. Some of them are downright what the fuck drown that thing before it can eat you or worse vote conservative, but then there is always that one baby that is just so cute. Alright fine… they’re all fucking cute. Even the conservative ones. I am human after all.  I am more disgusted with myself than you will ever be.

Such a hard choice. To fuck or not to fuck? Being an adult sucks most of the time. Being a kid is so much easier. No one gives a fuck if you mess up. Okay maybe your parents but they aren’t even real people anymore. They are hollowed out shells of who they used to be thanks to you. Yeah, you killed your parents. Next time you see them, if you can, look into their eyes. Dead, they are dead. They still talk, breathe, and do shit but not really. They haven’t slept in so long that they don’t even understand the concept. Honestly what is the point? Give death a chance to take you in your sleep? That’s some adult mentality right there. “If I don’t sleep. I’m not dead.” That manic laughter you hear isn’t the boogey man hiding in your closet. It is your parent’s trying not to completely break down on the other side of the wall.  

Really though they haven’t slept since god knows when because of you. They’re backed up because of you. Their hopes and dreams are half of what they used to be. If they even exist at all because what’s the fucking point? I’m not bitter… Being an adult is the absolute worst. So, stop saying I can’t fucking wait until… because yes you fucking can wait.. Speaking of being an adult. I should probably go feed my kid. It has been six hours after all and her little arms can’t reach through the bars so well. Don’t judge me. How else am I supposed to get anything else done around here? The glass doesn’t pick itself up. That’s what my mouth is for.

Last time I write something personal on a dare… I’m so behind on so many things… Looking back… looking forward… everything will work itself out… there will never be enough time in a day… even if I spend most of it wasting away… kids aren’t so bad… being an adult is shit… but someone has to do… not really sure what it is that I am trying to say… I just know that I don’t want to do any of the things I have to do today…

Amazon… Paperback… Kindle…

The baby needs a bigger cage… accepting donations where ever books are sold…

Getting Harder to Breathe

I spent a life time not on social media. Recently I joined up and now I am behind once again. The world keeps spinning, dredging up old wounds. Starting over can be the hardest part. A lot of us get lost in the darkness forgetting who we are or what we stand for. Mass media has long been the standard for the writer. The credible source. I used to joke, play around, and dream of a world of miss information. Then I grew up, then it actually happened. It wasn’t what I had hoped for. It wasn’t what it seemed like it would be.

The fake news, the real news they try to replace each other. Switch their roles. This isn’t the first time in our history or any body’s history. We went to war over miss information. Sadly, it won’t be the last except this time could very well be the last time. Things have changed since the USS Maine wasn’t attacked by Spain. Information is power and without it we are all weak. Without reliable information and a wave of mass information I find myself being turned off by it all. Isolating myself as everyone else is or is slowly doing. Wait for the history books to be written just so I can know what I lived through. Has it always been like this?

I like to think that it hasn’t until I read old books from the past discussing topics of today. I don’t mean science fiction or future utopias with flying cars. What I mean is topics about abortion, immigration, security, and others. Topics that have never changed or even given a chance to change. Stuck in the same place for over a hundred or more years. Some of these problems have been problems for so long it is amazing they are still problems. Example? Imagine you never learned to use a toilet. Imagine you have been shitting and pissing on yourself since the moment you were born. Do you believe that doing it at eighty is really a problem? No, it is normal. Imagine how much better your life could have been if you had tried to learn. Even after you moved out of the comfort of your parents’ home. Maybe they had different views or concerns about shitting your pants. That’s okay every parent is different, but there comes a time you must decide for yourself what you believe. A time when you enter society and realize we don’t all piss right then and there. We follow order and rule. For better or worse we make rules to avoid the chaos of it all. They don’t always work. Sometimes things have to be changed or given a chance. No one society is perfect or believes the same exact things. We hold many similar views, but many of those have evolved over time. The issues of the past need to stop bleeding out our future.

A hundred years ago they didn’t have to worry about global warming. It wasn’t a thing. Well, it was maybe depending on what you believed caused it, but the point is now we do have to worry about it. Life evolves is what I am getting at and living with your head in the ground isn’t going to help any. We need to stop avoiding the problems and move on from them. You may not believe global warming exist. Okay fine by me no judgement here, but when you get a moment go into your garage. Don’t bother opening the door, and turn your car on. Whether you believe global warming exist or not… you wouldn’t do what I just said to do. No one is that stupid without a purpose. Global Warming is the same concept but on a global scale.

There are a lot of things that need facts and statistics… maybe even a fuck ton of science. But not every thing needs fancy fixens. Maybe if we all cut back on emissions… hold countries and companies accountable… the world will still get hotter. Maybe it won’t. Who the fuck knows, but at the very least the air gets cleaner, the trees come back stronger, and best of all we leave a world for our asshole children to destroy? Isn’t that the real goal in life? We act as if we even try to make a change we might all suffocate to death… It is fucking madness. Ass backwards and always ready to forge ahead. All I am trying to saying is let’s move past these trivial things that hold us down. Shit cost money, shit takes up our time, and unfortunately things change from time to time. Now if you will excuse me, I have to change my pants.

Tune in next week when I discuss abortion in a series… I like to call Alienating Myself From Myself… If you get offended very easily… you are going to love this shit...

So It Begins… So It Never Ends…

One eyeing it on the way to work. Sober of all things. Eyes heavy from lack of sleep. Eyes heavy from all the shit holding me back. Sadly, this is the norm and not the exception. This isn’t one long night. This is a collection of endless nights. The emotional drain of doing the same thing every night is called life. It won’t find that definition in the dictionary. No, they only put what people don’t know in those damn things. Told we could do anything. Told we could be anything. If this is something then they can take all of it back. Their lies keep us from killing ourselves, but don’t be fooled we kill ourselves every day. Risking our lives for a dollar and a day that most of us, the ones that truly need it, will never know assurance of financial independence. But at least on holidays we get time and a half, so that’s something. Not everyone is so lucky to even receive that. Smile big, smile with everything, smile until it bleeds. How could I ever be so lucky? Decades, generations of sweat and blood only calls for more. We all belong to a collective noise all saying the same thing, “Follow your dreams.” The dreams keep us going even if they will never come true. What if my dreams are to watch the world burn? Something to pass the time.

Figuratively of course the smell of burning bodies would get pretty nauseating very quickly and the screams. I don’t even like to hear my neighbors beating the shit out of one another, so I couldn’t even imagine how annoying a thousand plus screaming people would even sound like. All seriousness aside though. I’m not a bad person looking for a reason. I am not the embodiment of evil looking for the world to bend at the knee. I feel things. Feel them probably more than I should some would say. Bent on my own knees. Scrapping against the concrete. I’m not even sure I care for what I feel from day to day. I just see all this kindling sitting there in our society and I think all it needs is a spark. One tiny flash of light to set the whole thing into an uncontrollable inferno, and I wonder why can’t that be me? Opportunity is what set those who do apart from those that don’t. Some stupid shit like that. People say a lot of shit. I can’t be expected to write it all down or convince you that it is all true. Facts are facts, lies are lies, and if everyone you is lying… all you have to do is tell the truth…

But could one tiny spark really set this all into total chaos? Can words really change everything? Am I prepared for a world left in ashes from the comfort of my office chair? Defiantly wouldn’t be anything to bitch about, and that would suck. I mean could you imagine coming home and having nothing to say? What a waste of a day. Maybe there is a reason that not all dreams come true. There I go again talking myself back into my chains, back into slavery. Don’t be fooled. That is all this is. It never went away. They changed the rules, but this is still the same game. Humanity will always take what isn’t theirs for themselves. This isn’t new. Cycles and waves. It is in our nature. Someone’s nature. Been at the bottom so long. I get confused. Forget my place in all of this. Have the right to say whatever I want, but no one has ever had to listen. A million mouths all saying the same thing is only noise. A unified noise that sounds like nothing at all. In that way we are all equal. In that way as we kneel next each other. We are more connected than some assholes would like to believe. We all want to be special, but there’s nothing special about any of us. It comes down to luck and opportunity. Neither of which are connected in any way…

Honesty will only get you hated. The world doesn’t want freedom or change they just believe that they do. What they really want is more of the same. More shows about people like them, more stories about people who go through the same shit as them. What they want is to feel as though someone understands what they are going through. When we are all going through the same shit. Over and over and fucking over again. They say that they want one thing, but in truth they want the exact opposite of that because the human race is too stupid to realize what they want. I don’t even know what I want. I fit right into the puzzle and it makes me sick. I hate myself for it. Like a good whore it is only after I’m done that it dawns on me. That I am as much of the problem as everyone around me. If only we actually thought about our thoughts. Think long enough and you might have something to think about. Mob mentality doesn’t leave room for dreams. All the screaming doesn’t leave any room for change. All my depression doesn’t leave any room for admiration. No, all these thoughts only help to keep me tethered to the ground.

Fuck… it’s only been five minutes…

Layne Ambrose

Haven’t I said enough already…
Sell my soul they say…
Give them what they want…
Never sign anything unless you have nothing to lose…
I had everything and now I have nothing…

Teething On Concrete
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