Broken Thoughts…

The chambers of the heart
Keep pumping blood
Even if there is no will to go on
Patience but for what
A long waiting game for nothing at all
I carved one out
Only to give one up
Nothing feels natural anymore
A made up act
I call love
Doesn’t matter anymore where it comes from
If only my thoughts could match my actions

Stuck between times there is no outlet for my crimes…

Sat around today
Doesn’t mean anything
Thought I would share
My inner thoughts
Going through hell
Marching past the gates
Lakes of fire burning bodies made of shit
They are heard but with no real thought
Doesn’t rhyme at the end I don’t care
The Jesus freaks sing their hymns to me
As though it might help
The blood cascades down the wall
You know you are home
When everything is comfortable
Bones line the edges of the room
You know you are home
When everything is fine
Skin drapes the furniture
You know you are home
When everything is normal

It all seems so useless to struggle for…

Where ever, what ever the sun touches
A kingdom lost to you
A level never reach except for a few
Where ever, what ever makes them special
It wasn’t destined for you
Acceptance is the first step to something
Where ever, what ever the sun touches
A world taken from you
A step never reached except for a few
Where ever, what ever makes them happy
It wasn’t destined for you
Acceptance is the first step to something
Where ever, what ever the sun touches
Never belonged to them in the first place
Break the cycle or accept it for what it is
Where ever, what ever is up to you
The secret stolen from so many

Broken Thoughts

The theme for this week is greed… truly broken thoughts… always wanting more… more of something… more food… more money.. more sex… more pain… greed doesn’t go away with more… too much of a good thing is never enough…  considered one of the seven deadly sins… Greed is hard to escape on a day to day basis… who doesn’t want more?… what defines more?… at what point should we cut ourselves off from more?… I know I could always use more… more sleep usually… more of anything at this point… turns out I am human after all… was holding out for different… but I’ll settle for human… 

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Broken Thoughts…

My hands are callus and soaked in blood
Quitting isn’t what it used to be
Walking away isn’t a train of thought
It’s an action that weighs more than itself
The words so heavy
They don’t come out right
Nothing comes out right anymore
Each thought is loaded with regret
Forced out by a will to keep going
God I fucking hate every God damn thing
Does that make sense or are we only confused
If I could I would but I couldn’t so I didn’t
Have too much responsibility now
Makes more sense if you know
I care more than I pretend to let on

Smile and act natural…

“The one with the Indian on it.”

“I think they prefer Native American.”

“I think they’d prefer if we gave them their land back. But in the meantime, the one with the cartoon Indian will do just fine.”

The lights all burned out…

Chasing our demons step by step
But how long do we keep doing this
To the end, to an end
A line has been drawn long before
Not another step to take and yet
See plenty of space to keep on going
Is this the end or only the begin of something
That couldn’t possibly be understood?
Gave more of myself then I’d like to admit
So I won’t and you’ll think I don’t give a shit
Because I don’t even when I do
Wanted more, wanted less, all I want is what I got
A feeling that can’t last forever but I’ll keep searching
So here’s to you, here’s to me, here’s to fucking everything
Resting in my head and what we can see through closed eyes

A fractured reality of what I have to deal with every day… stretched out over years… you think that I’m not listening… you believe me when I say that I am not… but really I’m taking it all in… absorbing every useless thought… stabbing myself with the idea that I am better than you… I’m more you than you will ever be me…  I’m nothing more than what time forgot… lurking in the shadows… standing next to you at every turn… don’t look because I’m staring… smile because I know I will… “Is there anything I can help you find?”… 

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Broken Thoughts… Without Me…

I gave it all up for this?
These feelings don’t subside
These feelings grow deeper
Slip into the cracks of my broken heart
Give it another year
Give me a whole lifetime
Waste it once again
If I could do it over
So unsure if I would
Life gets easier with time
Because the will to live
Goes with it
Gave up my soul for something I don’t know
Want It back but I’m so unsure

.Worth barely more than worthless…

At this point, it might just be best to die
A world without me may be the best
Thing for you
Not going to stop until it’s all destroyed
I’ve got some shit to say
You bring out the best in me
Only reason you’re still breathing
You bring out the motivation in me
Only reason you’re still living

Turning all the lies into regret…

I can feel your eyes
Yet you’re not here
Feel your fingers tightening
Around my throat and I’m
Starting to, to think this is all okay
I’m starting to think I never had a say
Starting to believe all is not well
I could go on but by now
The point should be more than clear
Each breath you take is a knife
Every thought a bullet hole
Ripping through my body
Shatter, broken, set my body on fire
Leave me to die already
Can’t commit to something so sinister
Torture so much more humane
Sadistic and satisfying
My breathing becomes shallow
Your smile from ear to ear
If only, if only the world would disappear
My displeasure could go too
Still alive, has to be a reason
So fuck it, let it go
Before you kill me
Drown me in this world

Broken Thoughts

This weeks theme was work and society… society and work?… working on society?… working on myself in the realm of society?… I’m going to have to sit and think about this for a while… 

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There wasn’t enough blood in this post…

Broken Thoughts…

What is evolution if not a theory
An unbroken chain of stupidity
Weak ruling the strong
Telling them what’s right and how they’re wrong
My boss is an asshole yet I smile and nod
Who’s the dumb one after all?

A sour thought to think any of this will mean anything…

My thoughts bleed from open wounds
Cracked open holes stripped of innocence
Days gone, disappear with the time I’ve lost
Gave more than I regret to admit
At the time I thought it was worth it
Uneducated by educated ideas of unrealistic expectations
The world could have been made in a day
Lie flat with half a sphere for a top
The point is it doesn’t matter
The lies don’t have to make sense
They only have to work
Stupidity doesn’t care much for truth
The similes are similar in truth
Doesn’t matter shut the fuck up
Going home has never been as easy as before

Who knew I could be so ugly after all…

Lost all religion
Lost everything when you cried
Dragging myself through this hell
No longer recognize what I’ve become
It’s a long road traveled or not
Feel the pain of a thousand worlds
Carry with me every word ever said
Brain won’t shut up
Movies playing in my head
Everything that could have been
Memories of you faded in the background
How I wish I could
Change any of this
Once spoken, said forever
Only one way to end it all
Only one word that means anything

Broken Thoughts

If I could go back… I do it all again… same way as before… because no matter what happens… I’ll always be me…

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Broken Thoughts… For All The Wrong Reasons…

Nothing good has ever come of this
The truth in lies is full of shit
I think I have all the answers
Locked away inside my head
In reality I have nothing and I’m fine with it
Ignorance truly is bliss
So are lies you can’t resist

“I want to jerk off onto the sores of her mouth. If anything just to see if it will hurt.”
M.T. Billings… Thanks?…

I haven’t slept in days
What if I told you that was okay
I ate last week
Think it all went away
Malnutrition and withering away
I may be dying in a slow way
What if this was okay
Gave it up all the same
Wish I could explain
What it is that I am trying to say

“A common theme, what am I doing here?”
Valerie… Not sure we needed the help?…

The past always seemed okay
Reflecting back I see where all the trouble comes from
Abused, abandoned, threatened
The humor becomes more of a nightmare
A sense of something so much bigger than myself

Nothing is relevant when everything is so irrelevant…

A bible left on a bench
Verses stuck in my head
Bleeding for a cause
Dying for the dead
Waiting at the end of the world
Too afraid to try anything new
Human unlike you
The times disappear, the years
Coughing up blood from all the fun
Destroying everything I love
Locked away in my mind
All that matter at this time

My lips are so chapped and it hurts… biting off… peeling off the little bits of skin… lips are bleeding… enjoying the pain… renewing the resistance that lies within… Random thought… Despite the plan to make this an easy month ourselves… I think this is the hardest month I’ve ever had… I hope you are all enjoying the Broken Thoughts… It’s more like a cracked out twitter… Like all my words…

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Broken Thoughts…

Always standing and watching
Participation is only an option
Waiting through the darkness
Copying, pasting thoughts and ideas
My thoughts have never been
Mine and mine alone

Generations of bending and shaping…

Walking this as slow as I can
The rush to die wasted on the youth
Thoughts of immortality disappear with every year
To be trapped in this old casket
Would be hell
The sands of time will only weigh me down from here
Giving in was never an option
It was always the plan

A never ending conclusion of thought…

Your words don’t inspire me
They dig, carve out a place within my soul
A den of deceit, lies, beauty to unfold
They consume, swallow me whole
Every instance of instinct
Every truth of existence
Proves my point as it grows
The thoughts burn up inside me
I’m burning down slowly
Ashes given back to the earth
Lonely, depressed maybe this is what I deserve
A life wasted on dreams, on the absurd
The more I want it the further it seems
What is it that I want so badly in these dreams?
The fire must rage, fuel to the flame
Even if it is slowly killing me all the same
What do I have left
Ashes, condemned to my last breath

Broken Thoughts

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Broken Thoughts…

The blood cascades down the wall
You know you are home
When everything is comfortable
Bones line the edges of the room
You know you are home
When everything seems fine
Skin drapes the furniture
You know you are home
When everything is normal

Scars scratched deep across their faces…

Tangled up in all your razor wire
Think about running
But all I know is pain
I think about what if
But all I know is disappointment
I was told everything would be fine
Now all I know has been only lies
Hold out long enough everything should be okay
Though I know on a scale from bad to worse
Everything is the same

Ticking away time as though it doesn’t matter…

Black on black isn’t a fashion statement
How I feel inside most of the time
Living in a deep dark hole that is my mind
Could you leave if you knew
Could it matter before it didn’t
Each day goes on whether you know or not
The darkness only gets darker whether it matters or not
What is before when this is all there is now?
Black on black isn’t a fashion statement
Just easier when you couldn’t possibly
Make one more damn decision about nothing at all

Broken Thoughts

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Broken Thoughts…

Another shitty night bleeds into another subconscious day
Locked into nothing at all, fight to stay awake
Breaking bones to stay in the game with no goal
If only I had known the rules might not have tried at all
Gave it away for nothing at all, Giving it away
A cause and effect of a generation gone by
The words change but they always mean the same thing
Killing the weak to prove I’m strong for no reason at all
Another shitty week produces yet another worthless year
Feel the time pass without doing anything in between the seconds
Fighting with myself, against myself for reasons unknown
The rules were etched in stone, lost to time
Dictating how we live or not at all
The words make no sense but always mean the same thing

Sacrificing myself to an unholy satisfaction…

Not cold enough to snow, cold enough to realize I could die
Think it is forever, life is a shortest amount of time
Lasting forever is an immortal thought left to the damned
Heaven is a lost idea of freedom, heaven is nothing more than a tool
Conditions will not improve until we improve them
Always waiting for someone, someone to fix the problem
Our own salvation lost in the lazy complications we create
Bleed for your freedom, stop believing in imaginary things
Die for the things you want, do you still want them after the threat
The threat of losing it all was it worth it for nothing at all
Heaven is a place on earth, hell sowed right beside it
Choices are made with or without your consent
Decide which side you stand on
A widening gap for us to fall in

Give in is to die but I’ve been dead for so long…

Teeth pressed against the steel
Grinding away, layer by layer 
Until there is nothing left
But the images of the monsters
Inside your head
Heaven sent you
The devil accepted the invitation 
Of what you’ve always been
Marching in on bloody knees
Begging and pleading
If only there was something more
If only this wasn’t how it was
Might have marched farther 
Than from there to here
Then again how could one ever know

Broken Thoughts

Thought about it deeply… but then again… I don’t spend much time thinking about anything… Not long enough at least… could spend more time… thinking about the things that make me… me… teeth against the steel… knees bleeding… and I thought… maybe then I’d know… that all this sacrifice was for something more… What is it we thinking about when we think about nothing at all?…

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Broken Thoughts…

We give it up
We give it all up in blood
Until we are nothing
Never enough for some or no one at all
We turn it over
We turn it over with our souls
Until we have nothing left
Never enough for most or anyone at all
We work it all
We work it all with our lives
Until it is all we are
Never enough so we come back for more

A hopeless excuse to wake up every morning…

Wearing myself thin, dead skin mask
Stretched so tight, who am I supposed to be
If I can’t be you
Envision myself to be better
Lies I tell myself to get by
Broken boned and everything I despise
Two more days and I’ll be okay
Keep telling myself the same old shit
Hasn’t worked yet, what’s the meaning of insanity
Beating my head against the wall
Soon all the thoughts will flow out
Soon all that is wrong will be right again
Long drawn out thoughts
With no meaning at all

Life is descending into a lost cause…

Scars cut across my heart
The dead look in your eyes
Been so long since, a long time since
Once held on so tight
Like it mattered, like it was
The distance between our lips
A difference between screaming and yelling
What it is and what it was
Been so long since, a long time ago
That your words didn’t hurt
Didn’t leave little tiny scars across my heart
Where did you go and where have you been
A love I no longer know

Broken Thoughts

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Broken Thoughts…

Fissures and cracks within my soul
Where they come from
I’m afraid I do not know
Relentless and forthcoming
I keep swimming the cracks widening
Even though I know I’m drowning
My body wants to stop, my mind says keep going
If I gave up now what would be the point at all?

Locked in a box… Clawing at the sides…

Love is this thing we’ll
Never get back
Lies just fill up the cracks

Screaming for air until my last breath…

Nothing feels like it used to
Everything feels as though it is something I have to do
Never ending list of shit I have to sit through
Becoming so bitter, became an old man running out of youth
Time is eternally ticking away
Slowly running out of reasons to live
I have the basics, but even those are becoming obsolete
Dragging my soul through day to day
Dancing through midnight, marching to the grave
Autopilot enabled and there’s no reason to think
That nothing feels like it used to
Lost hope that anything new will come along
Even as the world around me changes rapidly
No reason to believe that I will ever change
As I grow more and more obsolete

I took a few days off to get a handle on what it is that I want to say… Three days later and still no answers… Even went for a hike out in the woods behind my house… The isolating barrier I put between me and the rest of the world… Peeking through the curtains made of dead leaves and broken branches… I have to say… Not for me…. Maybe I’ve always been destined to keep my distance from a place I don’t understand… Who knew I had so much to say about nothing at all….

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