Broken Thoughts…

I wrote the novel
Now I just have to write the story
If you stop to think about it
I know you’d never do it
The meaning loses effort
As soon as we stop to realize
What it means

Something starting to smell real weird… should have buried the bodies…

What am I doing here?
Wasting time in between the lines

I could run but what does that say about me
What do I care about what people think
Human nature, self-conscious, maybe?

Next week seems like the perfect time…

Feel as though I don’t matter
Because I don’t
How long does it take to build trust
Don’t know
Lost in my head with a shitty name
Lost in thought but who could tell
Working out the problems is taking too long
Saving up for nothing, can I ask a favor
If I give you the lighter fluid
Do you think that you could provide the light
Didn’t think so but that’s okay
Seems as though the only ones prepared
Is the enemy

Broken Thoughts

Multitasking right now… but you didn’t know that… well, you do now… for some reason WordPress wants all my text to be in grey… not that I don’t feel that way at times… but I want the text to be black… annoying… but considering I don’t have to write the script… maintain some shit… or do anything beyond highlight and change it back… I guess I can’t complain… turns out I just did… maybe grey is the way to go today… 

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Broken Thoughts…

Gunshots in the distance
Another life robbed of its innocence
Plagued by those around me
Fear that maybe were too similar
For existence
Said you’d exist but did we ever
Bleeding thoughts from your mind
Symptoms so familiar
As if I read it off the back of a piece of paper

Stuck somewhere in between here and there…

Think you know what’s wrong with everyday
Breaking down the thoughts to prove how wrong
I like your ideas, so smart of you
So sad just how sad all of this makes us
Like sawing off a limb for no reason at all
Sure we have our reasons but do we?
Time has taught us so much about nothing at all
Where to be when we aren’t needed
Where in the day we’ve started staring at the floor
Who could have known time would have ever been
So important to what we know

Keeping an eye out for so much more… 

Do onto others as they do to you
Only works if you are doing the right thing
But who is right? When we are all wrong?
Think you own me, have no idea what that entails
Are you really ready to take control?
Didn’t think so, so go ahead and let go
Let me know when you’re ready to destroy
Tell me when you know
How horrible it is to grow old
Desolate, destination unknown
Feel your hands gripping my soul
So go ahead and let go
Let it all go…
Carbon copy of those around you
You’re rebelling against what you don’t even know
So different yet all the same
Fit into something…
Hydra with so many heads
The masters never intended for any of this
To survive
Nothing has ever been built to last…

Broken Thoughts

Would seem that these thoughts fall into the political realm… oddly they were written about my job… so not quite as epic in scope… but if you put your life under the microscope you may find that the things happening on a world scale… are also happening right there in front of you… the consequences aren’t as dire as a nuclear blast… but that doesn’t mean it can’t hurt as much as one… think about it… pain is subjective to how you feel… not what someone else can take… we like to compare someone else’s pain to our own… they aren’t comparable… relatable?… sure… do others have it worse?… always… doesn’t down grade your suffering though… as comforting it may be to think about…

If you want to help others… you have to help yourself first… In New York… and possibly other places… we have this theory… saying… whatever… about people falling on ice… Never catch them… Stop them… Let them fall… it sounds awful… what piece of shit person sees someone falling and does nothing?… But there is a reason… can’t help someone if you both are in need of help… who will help the two of you?…

It is things like that… that makes me miss the cold… the bitter truth of life… the honesty of trying to survive… something lost in translation depending on where you live… Same goes for pain… hurt… suffering… no one knows exactly how you feel… that’s what this line means to me… it is me rationalizing that my bosses aren’t just assholes… though they may be… never rule anything out… but rather they are suffering just like me… a different way… sure… everyone is only trying to survive… I double down on this idea with this line… “Fit into something”… This idea that you are in charge is a false idea… there are so few of us on the planet who are actually in charge of our lives… and it isn’t even the ones that you think… those of us that fit into society… locked into in… lack the necessary means to be in control of our lives…

That is what we trade for structure… we trade fear… suffering for peace of mind… but someone forgot to mention… these things can’t be traded… given away… they evolve like a virus… becoming stronger over nothing… we become plagued by these fear that we thought we left… that we forget the point of life is to live… that winning isn’t the mansion… the fast car… the nice clothes… but breathing another day… an idea that is lost in translation… uncomparable between different parts of the earth… some of us have it easier… but better?… what is better?… 

There are things to get angry about and things to just brush aside… the problem with the world isn’t that we are all wrong… it is that we are not focused… “Hydra with so many heads”… No battle is ever won by throwing everything you have at once… it takes focus… no one can truly understand what is going on by trying to figure it all out at once… 

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Broken Thoughts…

Living out the eulogy, the funeral has been
Happening for years
Knew you were right when I said you weren’t
Known I’ve felt the same, but I didn’t want too
A lie from
Day one, yesterday, today
I don’t know any more
Too late to turn any of this around
A long time coming
Long time spent looking the other way
I love you
Each word stings and it feels like this
Is how it is meant to be

Where is the anger coming from?…

Searching for myself and my lost identity
Who have I become if I don’t know myself
A man born into no sleep, an asshole baptized in fire
Where will life go from here
Where are we now if we are nowhere at all
Trapped between my own prisons
Locked away to figure it all out
But I don’t know anything beyond what I’m told
How am I supposed to know
If even I don’t know
Silenced by the thoughts of wrong and right
Torn between what I want and what I need
Two things that will never be the same
Searching for something that has meaning
Through a life of no importance beyond me and you
A man born into suffering, an asshole left rotting
Inside out and ass backward
Which way is straight away from here
Which direction is anything with no directions at all?

Let’s go back to where this all started…

Digging up the past
Fresh ideas to bury with the rest
Hollowed out bodies, turn to leather
Intersecting midsection, torn apart
Half eaten entrails
Yes, I already know I’m going to hell
Lying upon a heap of burning bodies
There will be no rest for my immortal soul
So, the story goes
I no longer have fears
Dissected, inflicted, sacrificed
God made me and the Devil too
Who should I blame, If I can’t blame you

Broken Thoughts

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Broken Thoughts…

Confliction of thought
Dismissal of war
We go at each other as if there is nothing left
Destroy what isn’t yours, hearts
Destroy everything we think you care for, homes
Destroy ourselves in the process
Not the thought
Driving against the weak
Grinding it out without a second thought

Staying silent seems to be the only way… 

How is it that some people can get away with so much shit?
Yet I need a saddle so they can ride me into the ground
I’m so sick of this place
So sick of being here
An insane asylum with big red letters

Even though you know it is wrong…

Bleeding out, slowly bleeding off
They want so much, yet nothing at all
I can’t let go of all my thoughts
Big or small they all run on
How is it that some people can just move on with so much shit?
Yet I have to carry it all the way to the grave
I’m so sick of this identity
So sick of being me
Nothing is ever enough and they’ll take it all…

Broken Thoughts

Mixed bag of thoughts this week… patched together set of emotions… letting the words breathe… letting the words do the talking this week…

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Broken Thoughts…

Her pain is internal, long lasting, and forever. It is a constant as rich as her words. Nothing seems to make her happy anymore. She is lost. In a place, I can no longer find. It is as though from time to time she has an out of body experience. An external meltdown where she is no longer here or there.

cropped words chewing on glass

I’m writing this from my grave
It’s in my head but that’s okay
Some days I wish it would all go away
Others for it to never end
Blessing and a curse
I just don’t understand why it has to hurt
The writing is on the wall
But I’m happy to watch it all fall
Sliding down into the abyss
A long dark descent into shit
Blessing and a curse
I just don’t understand why it has to be this way
The words are sprawled against my chest
But I’m happy to watch it all settle in
“We spend most of our lives just glancing. Glancing at the thought or idea of something better.”

cropped-website-logo.jpg

Promoting something… Promoting my soul… Promoting something I don’t know… 

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Broken Thoughts…

Sharing in your tragedy
A loveless relationship built on pain
Discuss our inner fears
Friendship only meant to get us through a time
Long lasting, forever scared
Torn between two ideas
One I’ve had another only thought of
A dream of what you became
Sad, sickly, lonely GIF of a man
Spoke my peace now I know why
Now I understand the silence…

Settling for nothing because it all feels the same…

Standing naked against the rain
Not sure if this is normal or spiritual
Judging others is never what I came to say
Broken down I think this behavior is okay
A seismic shift of how we are meant to feel
Digging up bodies left to rot in the past
Moving on was never meant to last
Reflection is harder when you’re the cause of it all
The hurt means something overall
A cosmic rift of how we are meant to be

With purpose and skill… we could all still be right here…

Here comes the rain, here comes the flood
Don’t think anyone will judge
If you get out now
Only the strong will survive this shit
Adolescent maybe
Layman’s terms are easier to understand
The biblical notion that all things are rotten
The idealistic ideal is better soft spoken
I wished and it came true
Now I’m just as fucked as you

Broken Thoughts

Waiting on some emails that may change my life… Been waiting for years… Mostly inside my head… I know that it is going to happen… One of these days… things will feel so different… that I will miss the way that it was… because I am human… Because no one ever wants what they got… Maybe I should go check my inbox?… 

Dragging my feet across the coals of everything I know

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Broken Thoughts…

Locked inside my head with nothing to say
The bugs dance beside my lifeless corpse
Pulling bits of paper from my soul
More scraps to add to the shit pile
How long can I drag this feeling out?
A lifetime surrounded by borrowed time
The darkness sinks its dirty fangs into my neck
Reminding me I’ve always been this way
A denial twist loaded with truth
The ashes pile up as each breath takes my life
Digging my own grave with a smile
See you when I get there
See you later if you’re lucky
Can’t take what  you don’t own
If your soul is for sale
I guess you won’t be taking that either
She won’t stop saying things that she doesn’t believe in
Spreading lies fortified in her head

Have you not been paying attention…

A lost day filled with silence and loathing
Taking out my frustrations on an empty soul
Taking in everything I think I deserve
Time has a way of taking everything
Not sure any of this is even real anymore
An isolation covers my walls
A desperation fills my heart
A broken thought is all I know
Poisoning the well
Inhaling the disgust
How I wish
How I hope
That you are well
A lie that I believe in
A faith that can discuss
And all of this

Don’t think about it…

Every last thing
Is all that I know
A slow death without any pain
A choking feeling and no regrets
And they told me I was fine
Nailing myself to the cross
Bringing myself to my knees
How I wish
How I hope
That you are well
A truth that I don’t believe in
A rationalization locked in your head
And all of this
Is only how it feels

Broken Thoughts

In case you were wondering I’m having a great day… Life keeps piling on the bull shit… but I just keep smiling… because who really gives a fuck?… immature… at times we all are… I have no faith in anything… but they say that the Lord gives us as much as we can handle… If she could stop… that would be awesome… if she doesn’t that’s cool too… Take each day for what it is worth… 

We sell our souls at these fine establishments… Teespring and Amazon…  Support Independent Press… well just read… reading is important… but I hope if you got this far… you already know that… A book a day… brings the crazies closer to the frame… 

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Broken Thoughts- Forgive Me

I’m addicted to the drama
I’m addicted to the pain
I’m addicted to this feeling that won’t go away
I like to watch you suffer
Something wrong with me
Something has broken I can’t fix
I’m addicted to the way
I’m addicted to the same
I’m addicted to these feeling that won’t go away
Pushing myself to this point
Driving home all these emotions
A nail into my brain
Failed lobotomy
Failed excuse to start over
Because I’m so addicted to you and me
I’m addicted to the way this feels
Over and over
An eternity with everything to say
Without saying a thing
Lost and in the way

There’s nothing left of the words in my head…

Mouth so precious, teeth designed to grind
Chewing me up only to spit me out
What was the point all along?
A loneliness that stabs at my heart
A puzzle put together with confusion
A haste that only God could dictate
Blind to all things that drive me insane
Always at war with your ignorance
A battle that can’t be won
A war from all sides of my brain
Drinking to ease the pain of a war torn existence
Drunk to understand the things I’ve become
My inhibitions are limited to my needs
Broken and you’ve left me for dead
Shattered and it never mattered
Empathy is for the weak
What has this place done to me?

Below the surface for way too long… 

Peeling back the skin, digging deeper into me
The layers come apart so easily
A shell of who I used to be
A husk of who I think I am
An asshole with too much shit to say
Ripping apart the flesh, digging deeper into me
The skin so fragile
A fucked up part of me
Fucked from the beginning
Left me grinning and scattered
So apart from what I want to be
Losing every part of me
Who am I without my needs?
A constant theme I can’t escape
Starting to think it is only me
Please forgive me
I know not what I do
I know not what I say
I know not what excuses I’ve used today

Broken Thoughts

Broken Thoughts about nothing at all… another day down as I live out what I have left… A constant theme devoid of all tranquility… can’t seem to shut it off today… Okay, it is the drinking… haven’t been drinking for the last few weeks… Been feeling too dizzy to process much of anything… No idea what happened there, but I’m back to normal mostly… the feeling comes and then it goes… a new function to my life I suppose… don’t worry because I don’t… 

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Broken Thoughts…

The signs were there all along
Lighting the way for the climax
Illuminating the inevitable fall
Who does this to them, to ourselves
Statistically speaking one and the same
Reality couldn’t be any further apart
Looked so good on paper
It had to work at least once
What could all this really mean
To someone who doesn’t care
I gave up but we took turns
Statistically speaking one or both should be dead by now
Still fucking breathing in all the pain
Still thinking about all the shit never said
If we can’t be honest then why worry about the truth?
Inhuman to think this all began with a bunch of lies
Written down in tiny font, thin paper flapping in the wind
Against the sands of time nothing can last
But everything will be fine

Give in is to die but I’ve been dead for so long…

65 pages on the same thought
Six albums and I’ve already forgot
Therapy couldn’t be any simpler
If only it had worked the first time
Revisiting the same sad thoughts
That makes me so fucked up
Dancing with the devil couldn’t release these demons
Gods warm embrace hasn’t done much to subside the pain
Out of options and ways to say
I can’t stand the fact that you exist
So I’ll see you there
Pretend to not care but I always will
No matter how much I stab at the thoughts
Burn them down and piss on the ashes
They will still be there, we will still be here

Like memories burning in the sun…

Spoke the words, told you once before
Each little thought isn’t a metaphor
So worried about me, but not yourself
Blind, too blind to see the real hurt
Deaf, too deaf to hear the real words
Soft spoken and I know it hurt long before
Each little syllable even made a noise
So worried about you, but not myself
Numb, too numb to feel the real pain
Bland, too bland to taste the real thoughts
Pulling the strings tighter
Until I could never see, hear, touch, or taste
Ever again

Broken Thoughts

tick… tick… ticking right on by… locked in this stupid mask… stuck between the space between the skin and the leather… gets lonely in here at times… beads of sweat dripping down… the smell only grows worse… but there is no better place to call home… think things could be better… could be worse… or they could always be the same… at least for at least sake… things could be… trying to remember why it is that I keep going… while thinking of every reason to call it quits… stuck somewhere in between… the skin and the razorblade… time is only tick… tick… ticking by…

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Broken Thoughts…

The chambers of the heart
Keep pumping blood
Even if there is no will to go on
Patience but for what
A long waiting game for nothing at all
I carved one out
Only to give one up
Nothing feels natural anymore
A made up act
I call love
Doesn’t matter anymore where it comes from
If only my thoughts could match my actions

Stuck between times there is no outlet for my crimes…

Sat around today
Doesn’t mean anything
Thought I would share
My inner thoughts
Going through hell
Marching past the gates
Lakes of fire burning bodies made of shit
They are heard but with no real thought
Doesn’t rhyme at the end I don’t care
The Jesus freaks sing their hymns to me
As though it might help
The blood cascades down the wall
You know you are home
When everything is comfortable
Bones line the edges of the room
You know you are home
When everything is fine
Skin drapes the furniture
You know you are home
When everything is normal

It all seems so useless to struggle for…

Where ever, what ever the sun touches
A kingdom lost to you
A level never reach except for a few
Where ever, what ever makes them special
It wasn’t destined for you
Acceptance is the first step to something
Where ever, what ever the sun touches
A world taken from you
A step never reached except for a few
Where ever, what ever makes them happy
It wasn’t destined for you
Acceptance is the first step to something
Where ever, what ever the sun touches
Never belonged to them in the first place
Break the cycle or accept it for what it is
Where ever, what ever is up to you
The secret stolen from so many

Broken Thoughts

The theme for this week is greed… truly broken thoughts… always wanting more… more of something… more food… more money.. more sex… more pain… greed doesn’t go away with more… too much of a good thing is never enough…  considered one of the seven deadly sins… Greed is hard to escape on a day to day basis… who doesn’t want more?… what defines more?… at what point should we cut ourselves off from more?… I know I could always use more… more sleep usually… more of anything at this point… turns out I am human after all… was holding out for different… but I’ll settle for human… 

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