Broken Thoughts… I Guess No One Really Gives A Shit…

The memories they change
Remembering all the bad times
Seems to work out this way
Your selfish needs never changed
And I can’t look away anymore
Not like I ever could before
All these years spent to get here
Mild forms of abuse build up over time
The hurt seeps like an open wound
From my heart through my soul
Took long enough but I see it now
Bruised and broken… I see it now
You never cared I just thought you did
It takes two to love and the ship has sailed
It takes two and well it’s no longer there
The more I think about it
The more the memories change in my head
Remembering all the good times
Only blend in with the worst of them
When I look at you from any distance
The hurt is all I can seem to see… feel endlessly
Nothing can be the same as it was before
Took long enough but I can see you now
Finally all caught up and I know you see it too
It takes two to love and we’ve gone past empty
It takes two to love and it doesn’t live here anymore
Our memories a ghostly shadow in the back of my mind

She’s the anchor that I need to reach the floor… the one I adore…

A separation between church and state…
An illusion that is less than a myth…
There is no relief in justice…
There is no freedom in prayer…
Repeat the words as written…
The alters have all caught fire…
Burnt up matches in hand…
What did you think was my plan…
For separating these conflicting ideals?…
You act as though I give a damn…
You act as though you didn’t know…

She is in everything I see… I’d sell my soul… what it takes…

The sadness it isn’t leaving me
Haunting me more than I’d like to admit
These feelings they don’t go away
Wishing I was dead feels more like part of me
Than the little voice inside my head
Really not trying to give in
Only how it is the longer it goes
Wishing I never had to feel this way
I’m sure I’ve made a mess of things
Never could figure out anything
The feelings though
They just keep haunting me
Taking myself to that place that has taken me
Wasn’t worth it to try and understand
Running in circles was never going to give me
Anything I wanted in the end
There’s no answer at the end of a bottle
At the end of this noose but I’ve been
Compelled throughout my life to find out
Where this sadness comes from within me
Rather than searching for happiness in this life

Broken Thoughts

I don’t have much to say today… I wanted to have a bunch of things to say… Ideas kept sparking up while typing up these old memories… talk about this or that… that could be interesting… or maybe someone would give a shit about that… I’ve come to the conclusion that most people don’t give a shit… because I don’t… I could be wrong… I mostly am… some people call it being human… some people also think the earth is flat… and I’ll believe some crazy shit… but the idea that the world is in any way flat is twenty times more complicated than just being like yeah it’s round… call it being human… but life is to simple for such complex things…

See… I can’t seem to focus today… every day can’t be the best day of our lives… more shit that people say… people will say anything to keep this shit moving… me included… because I am human after all… so of course I’m going to seek out all the reasons I am sad… depressed… unhappy… broken… and ignore even the slightest happiness that may be happen around me… it has been months… maybe years… at a certain point everything becomes a blur of the same old shit… but it has been awhile since I have found the happiness in anything… beyond a fleeting second at best… not sure why that is… keeping it moving I guess… head down and never stopping… losing focus once again… I’m sure there is something in all of this… and hopefully at least one of you can see it… because I’m on my way to the next thing…

That sounds so much darker than I intended it to be… I just meant that I was on my way to working on my next project… or playing three straight hours of Binding of Isaac and wondering why I can’t seem to get anything done… better than chasing the end of a bottle I’m told… but is it?… it is… Hope all is well…

Thank you… to all of you that have been reading my first novel… the sequel is on it’s way… I promise…

Don’t forget to leave a review for A Lie…

Haven’t read it yet?… Get yours today on Amazon… Paperback and Digital available…


Something Different… Everything Might Get A Bit Too Heavy…

More Black Cloud Than Anything Else

No more reason to even try
Spirts been sucked right out of
Everything I thought I had to say
A black cloud is swinging by for a visit
Can feel it in my bones and see it on the horizon
None of it never made much sense anyway
Been told there’s no more reason to try
Oh well… bever had much to go on in the first place
Talking out my ass could only go so far
Until it could all go nowhere at all
Pretty good run… if you’re asking me
No one ever is… maybe they should’ve
The storm is raging all around inside my head
End of the world and all that we know
No more reason to even try was what I was told
Spirits been broken from the start
Everything I thought I had to say
Was only something I heard before
Wasn’t much of anything anyway
My greatest enemy has always been myself
Takes the form of a black cloud I can’t put back
My spirit animal is me killing myself in my sleep
Can’t think of another way to explain these dreams
Feel as though there’s no more reason to even try
Never was much of a leader in the first place
Talking out my ass was my only gift in all of this
At the end of the line and I can see it now
Where I was heading was only where I’ve been
Wasting time denying what I already know
What I have been telling myself all along
There never was a reason to try in the first place
Pessimistic maybe… but looking down… looking in
I’m more black cloud than I ever was me to begin with
It’s all so hollow and empty… a storm passing through
With the best regards do what you want
Knowingly knowing that there isn’t
That there never was any reason to even try

Right Where We Are and Somewhere In Between

Pulling out my hair strand by strand
Make a wish I knew this wasn’t it
Living down under a bridge couldn’t be for everyone
Getting crowded in this field of dreams
Trying to fit in… trying to find my place within
Right where we are and somewhere in between
Generational wealth isn’t at all what it used to be
Drugs was never the answer, but they could at least feel
Blank stares and some confusion this lost circus
Been set to drift at sea… no use looking back now
There never was anything beyond the horizon though
Only more land with the same old shit we drag along
Always running away for the things that make us human
Finding a solution is never the most correct assumption
Frowny face… OMG… I just can’t even… could you imagine?
Chain smoking along as we go so far from home
Tails tucked between our legs until they are no more
Little bloody stumps skipping across the water
More to the left until we reach all the way to the right
We’ve come to conquer what’s already been won
Can I find the tutorial online?
Trying and failing was never really my thing
Too many mouths to feed
Do you know what I mean?
Consuming more than I can afford
Histories repeating and I just can’t even
The shits piling up and we’re doing the vest we can
Where does this shit ever end?
Histories repeating and I just seriously can’t even
Right where we are and somewhere in between

Red, blue, green it doesn’t matter
They all want the same thing
Red, blue, green it doesn’t matter
They all keep saying the same damn things
Red, blue, and green it doesn’t matter
We’re all just as fucked as the rest of us
Histories are repeating and I just can’t
Keep on moving without a solution
Just about ass-to-ankles and this line isn’t moving
Histories repeating and we just can’t even
Strap a rocket to our asses and get on out of here

Pulling out my hair strand by strand
Doesn’t matter none of this makes sense to me
Living to feed an economy that doesn’t represent
Too many of me to work out for everyone
Fascism may have had a point… shut the fucking door
There has to be a better solution we haven’t tried before
Are you out of your mind?… Not even human anymore
No longer fitting into this evolving ecosystem
Generational knowledge isn’t what it used to be
Synthetic was never the answer… not seeing any other way
Stuck in this circus that’s been set out to drift
There was never any hope we’d make it beyond the stars
Only more planets with same old problems to drag along
Ignoring all the things that make us human
Finding a solution could never be the correct way to think
Frowny face… OMG… I just couldn’t even… could you imagine
Little bloody stumps cruising toward oblivion
Moving up and up until we’ve reached the bottom again
We’ve finally come to understand
What it really means to win
Starting over once again with a little less
Then what we had to begin with
Too many mouths to feed
Do you know what I mean?
Consuming more than we could produce
Histories repeating and I just can’t even
The shits piling up and we tried the best we could
Histories repeating and I just seriously can’t even
Right where we are and somewhere in between
Where does all this shit really end?
Not with a little whimper… but another big bang
Been here once before and look how we are back again
Red, blue, green, me, you, and everyone else too
It doesn’t matter
We’ve all wanted the same thing

Something Different…

Poems today… that is something different… themes and structure?… not a real big fan of either… but I can’t seem to escape these thoughts floating around in my head… depression feels like a black cloud from time to time… not really a hard stretch of a theme floating around here… neither is the fact that society is always falling apart… Histories repeating… I just can’t even… first draft was about how burnt out I was with the news… with the media… with us… the world… myself… everyone ever… OMG… could you imagine?… I’m not sure it even matters anymore… we aren’t going anywhere any time soon… second draft thoughts… we’ll see where the next draft takes me… oblivion and beyond I imagine… more on the theme though while it is on my mind… unfiltered of course…

I have many controversial thoughts… cancellable if you will… burn me at the stake kind of thoughts… the kind of thoughts that could end a career real quick if anyone ever found out… Can you keep a secret?… Good… People like secrets… this much I know is true… the most controversial of my thought though has to be… that people need to read more… coming in a strong second on my list of devilish thoughts?… people need to listen to what other people have to say… I know… and I will walk myself to the gallows… and I will await the stones you deserve to throw… the heavier the better if you would please… Because communication is for people who want to make a change… I just want to scream… like everyone else… but I can’t… so I read… and I listen… and what I keep finding is that… histories are repeating… bigger… smaller… better… worse… it’s the same old shit… I just can’t even…

Let’s pick a problem… doesn’t matter which one… abortions… gun control… racism… HOA fees… whatever it is… I guarantee we’ve been bitching about it for a century or two or forever and yet… we think we can take this shit to the moon and beyond?… we think we could go someplace else… some place better… and solve these unsolvable solutions with some place better than where we already are?… I just can’t even… understand how we’ve gotten this far… because if we really stop… look around… we haven’t really gotten that far to begin with… we haven’t fixed anything from our days in caves… we’ve only packed up our shit and moved it so far to the left that we are back to the right again… we can believe we are so much better than those people in caves all we’d like… but they are us and we are them…

Problems are important… HOA fees especially… solutions too… couldn’t even begin to think of one… but histories going to keep on repeating… that’s where I am at so far in my thesis… I don’t have any more solutions than the rest of you… so I’ll keep reading and I’ll keep listening I guess… I never was much of a leader anyway… More Black Cloud Than Anything Else… frowny face… OMG… themes and structures?… could you imagine?…

Book Cover… Stories… Poems…

Broken Thoughts… I Want To See The Sun…

Nothing can end the way it began
Nothing can begin the way that it ends
Endless servitude to an invisible hand
A life built on fate that doesn’t exist
Quiet voices guiding my way through destiny
Conflicting ideals running through my head
If it is than it isn’t
If it isn’t then it must be
So above as it is below
So it is but I don’t know
So below as above
A sad sung from long ago
Stories told forward and in reverse
Words stuck and lost in time
Let’s go bowling and pretend we aren’t dead
Back bone broken

Giving up on myself… was much easier than I thought…

Feeling dizzy inside my head
Can’t remember what’s already been said
Nothing of great importance I’m sure
Just more shit to slap against the wall
Sticks long enough I guess we can use it
Those are the rules or how I remember them
Like how forks belong to light sockets and
That there’s never a rainbow without a pot of gold
Feeling dizzy in my head all over again
Can’t remember what’s already been said
Nothing of great remembrance I’m sure
Regurgitate enough bullshit and a point is found
Say it enough times I guess we can use it
Those are the rules or how you remember them
Like how we belong to a society and
That this is supposed to mean something
Feeling dizzy inside my head
Can’t remember what’s already been said
Because they never seem to actually shut the fuck up
Long enough to see what it really is that we’ve found

A dream I can no longer survive…

Told you before… this would end poorly
Me at the end… of a rope…
I’m at the end of my noose
The one around my throat
The one you’ve been dragging me by
Wanted something better
All you deserved was me
A haunting vision of everything you can’t stand
Told you before… this would end deceitfully
Me at the end… holding the blade…
I’m cutting these ties that bind
Tethered to none of this anymore
Fuck off and farewell
Wanted something better
Everyone like you deserves to drown
In the tears and sweat of those you’ve wronged
The damned will inherit the earth
A grave is nothing more than a place to rest
Told you before… this would come to an end
Me at the end… standing over your grave
Someone had to put this twisted cycle to rest

Broken Thoughts

Hey did you know working sucks?… Well you do now… but it’s still better than doing nothing at all I guess… Any way who really cares?… I do… Let me know what you do to pass the time in the comments… best occupation might be included in a short story someday… You’d be surprised by what a lot of us do to pass the time…  For instance… If you haven’t read Teething On Concrete… I work in a grocery store… and if you haven’t read Teething On Concrete or didn’t pick up on my deliberate title choice… I LOVE IT… With all my heart… Every minute there is nothing short of paradise…

That’s not really fair though… because if you have read Teething On Concrete… you’d know the title has nothing to do with work… If you haven’t checked out Teething On Concrete… It is a pretty solid mix of poems and short stories about life… It is a flip on the format of the Broken Thoughts Volumes… trading out Broken Thoughts for full length poems and concrete ideas… It also has a running narrative that isn’t based around horror… I mean there are some horrific things in there… but it’s not my fault life can be horrific at times… Still not convinced?…  The first ten copies will be on sale this week… (Kindle Version)

Fun Broken Fact… I took this cover photo at work…

: )

With all of my heart…

Broken Thoughts… With Beds Under Bridges…

No one will ever find the bodies… I hope
I made sure of it this time… I believe
All you really need to know to move on
Is that I’m no longer hunger… satisfied at best
Not like before or maybe ever again
And it wasn’t three it was only the two
Important information when they come asking
Details they say will always do you in
Facts become weapons in the war of lies
Stop smiling… not everything can rhyme
Had to be done I suppose… I’ve been told
Depends on who you’ve been asking
My advice is to not ask me anything
Because I probably don’t agree… honestly
The evidence to the reason is too overwhelming
Something had to be done the voices said
Have been saying in this echo chamber… my head
Sweeping up the ashes of this society
Wasn’t going to be enough and I believe them
This time that is
Not like before or maybe ever again
Did what I had to do to get through
Might be time for you as well to decided
What is and what isn’t… best for you…

I dream… and I no longer know why…

With beds under bridges
Our homes could be anywhere
Constantly moving… perpetually
Endlessly nowhere at all  
Freedom is not where you are
But where your mind has gone
Since you’ve last checked in
Mines gone from here to there
And back again… further than you thought
But not far enough in the scheme of things
Unstuck in time there’s really no place left to go
With beds on wheels they only seem to roll
Downhill… across the soul… but they don’t seem to go
Very far when they run out of fuel… unreliable
It is all very impractical I know… unreasonable
To believe from death to birth we’d ever get far
When life prefers the order of birth to death
The outcome though… I’m afraid… is the same…
Insert some warm thoughts…
Insert all the times we’ve been down…
Life is fun I guess… so long as… it levels out

Always remember God is watching… Got nothing better to do…

Lost and lonely… introverted thoughts
A disease… with no cure
Eating away at my attention
No longer know who to believe
A cycle… of words and lies
Wash away only to come back again
Everything moves in rhythms
While I drown standing still
No longer willing to paddle
Only drifting against my will
Lost and lonely… introverted ideas
A sickness… with no vaccination
Sucking up all my intentions
No longer know what to believe
A sequence… of arguments and reality

Broken Thoughts

No one was asking… and if they were I’d probably still say the same thing… The simplest of things is more complicated than we know… takes longer than we are willing to commit… and isn’t even what we thought it was to begin with…

This is a picture… again no one was asking… and I got tired of waiting…

Everything is a version of itself… from start to finish these things take more steps than a crooked staircase leading to nowhere… the ideas presented here and now… are no more finished then when they started out in my head… Not until they get printed… if they get printed… and even then… even after hours working each word into place… after formatting everything to fit the page… I’ll still be pissed that I never seemed to get it right… Finished or given up?… I can’t tell the difference…

I’ve started a Patron…

Please send all loose change… food scraps… and anything of equal or lesser value to what is found on this website… details in bio…

(Please refrain from sending souls… vials of blood… bodily fluids or anything of the like… The Post Office… Patron… 96.66% of Christians… aren’t into it… Trust me we are equally… if not more… disappointed by this…)

Tune in next week where I will be addressing ellipses and why I use them… It’s going to be riveting…  

Because Everything Can’t Be So Serious… Or Can It?…

Might be leaving here with very little battery life
But I don’t care
All in my head if you ask me
Not truly dead until five percent
And even then
Bringing all the hurt one could ever need
A sinkhole made of shit, more like quicksand
But who’s asking me
No one ever did so maybe that’s why I’m so bitter
Never got invited to the dance
And I never asked
Locked away inside my head
The despair is getting to me
Self-preservation unconsciously
But there’s nothing wrong with that
After awhile
After some time
All batteries drain away and the signals all gone


Mother’s Love Chocolate Covered Shit” was a title I came up with, but never used… It was going to be this long monologue… long stream of conscious thought… about all the chocolate covered shit at work for Mother’s Day… Yet no woman in my life has ever asked me or shown interest in such things… is this a case of society pushing crap on women or a deep secret desire to cover the world in chocolate?… but why only on Mother’s Day ladies?… Why not every day?… change starts with you… if you want something you have to take it… and pour chocolate on it… 


Proudly serving those that serve
Hidden slavery no one understands
Taken a fool by the Masters
Best intentions at heart
Proudly owned by those who own me
Wish I could separate myself from who I’ve become
Jaded and lost, time has a funny way of screwing us all
Where have the days gone if they haven’t gone anywhere
Standing in a stand still
Death will be here soon and then what do we do
Rehearsing  my place in all of this
One long line waiting to get in
Praying all of this will seem worth it


“I don’t see the bosses yellow Mustang or the midlife crises cruiser as I’ve been known to call it, so he is not here. Which is either a good thing or a very bad for me.” Not everything has to make sense at the time or years later… for some reason I never finished this thought… and even now I don’t know where I was going with this… This next part is in the same boat… a prewrite where… well you can read it and tell me… 


This prewrite didn’t reveal shit
Fuck technique when it doesn’t matter
Too much anger to flow
Too much anger to make any sense
Fuck you, like I care
I don’t, oh well, what are we going to do about it?
Suffering maybe the best way
But where does that leave the rest of us
Put your balls on the table
Watch them get chopped off and added to the pile
Wonder what the fuck is happening
Does it matter anymore
Fuck you said in only so many ways
Bit the curb and succumb to the toothless grin
Turns out teeth were more important than once thought
Rotting out from the inside
Your breath smells like shit and I can’t take it anymore
Shattered perception of what it takes to be a man
Called out to define the definition of a vagina
The words are so convoluted it’s like they don’t makes sense at all
Given up on the solution and the conflicted
Hollowed out and welcomed home



This was all in fun… leftover pieces that didn’t fit anywhere else… some of it was stupid… who writes a poem about battery life?… haha… made sense at the time… lack of sleep will make anything makes sense though… the last entry… I have no idea where I was going other than to say random things… was my favorite… a lot of really cool… weird… dark lines… hopefully you enjoyed this trip inside my mind… this adventure into the past… 

Broken Thoughts…

Beaten up and broken boned
I’ve become the whore that none of us knows

How many times does it take until it hurts
Leaving is a luxury we don’t all have
In the end, we all leave somehow
Breaking the silence of your crimes
A sign of the times, here and now
Destroyed, life still must go on
Even when everything feels dead and gone
Must keep leaving myself behind
Piece by piece, little by little
Become the monster that we all love and adore

Why is she digging around in my insides?…

List to get what I want

  1. Self-sacrifice
  2. Destroy all contact
  3. Become self-aware asshole
  4. Isolate myself from myself
  5. Have talent
  6. Become co-dependent on substance

Why won’t they stop taking everything?…

It’s desperate times, but your desperate measures
Are not working out
It’s a desperate time full of all things to come
Bringing down all those around you
Desperation seems to be the word of the day
How I feel and all I have to say
Can’t say I don’t enjoy this at least a little bit
Down to my level, drowning in shit
As if we cared about anything other than ourselves
Selfish ideas manifest beyond selfishness
I once cared now I’m not sure anymore
My notes on the incident guide me through the darkness
Big bang it was once called, a theory
No one knows anything that happens to us
If we mattered don’t you think that there would be answers
The good book, made up of stories to explain the time
God is nothing more than the voice in your head
God is not what you think it is
God is, God is the reason we must go on

Broken Thoughts

My mind is stuck in this weird place… stuck staring at lines… saying fuck it and moving on… my head is in this place… a place between… doing something… and doing nothing at all… throwing shit against the wall… just because I hate it all… who the fuck do I think I am?… worthless at the moment… a thousand fucking degrees… sweating out the thoughts that no one cares about at all… my head hurts and I don’t care… slamming it into the desk… seems to be the only thing I can do anymore… 

Having a great day… 

Merch… Teespring… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Chasing Darkness…

Things aren’t quite the way they used to be. Things change fact of life and death. Even if we can change those facts like I have. Things still very much change. I no longer know who I am or what I have become. I’m not what most people would consider normal. Most would consider me to be eccentric. They always have from every moment that I can remember. Strange not normal. Broken and not equal. Different in every sense of the word. They were right of course, but I guess chasing endless winter is not most people’s idea of a good time. Not most people’s idea of where I should be or what I should be doing. But I like the isolation, the cold, and the loneliness of it all. It helps me think and that is all they really want from me in the end. They want me to think for them. To create for them. Being out here in the nothing makes me feel more alive than a room full of people sucking up to my money. Yes, I am rich. Richer than most nations to be exact. To be fair though that isn’t saying much considering most nations didn’t go with technology. The choice was too easy to follow me, to invest in my ideas. Man is flawed in that way. Self-doubt, too easy can’t be the right way. Must resist and so they did. Investing in war and death. I shouldn’t have to tell you how that turned out. But history, stories they are summaries of things we already know.

Turns out bombs don’t feed people or build homes or take care of you when you get old. No, bombs only have one purpose and they do that function very well. But robots? My robots? They can do so much more than kill. Most nations fallen to the way side, disappeared off the map of everything including people’s minds. The advancements were swift, they were quick. I discovered a loop hole that we had missed. An easy option no one believed to exist. Greatly enhanced soldiers that feel no pain, targeting systems that can target any and everything you may desire, and a defense system so advanced that it would make nuclear war less of a fear and more of an annoyance. Whole nations wiping themselves out before the missiles even left the ground. Only took a few of these “brave and fearless leader” to wipe themselves out before all nuclear missiles were deemed obsolete. In fact, less bombs destroyed whole nations then had ever been tested in the history of any nuclear program. I didn’t just make the world better. I saved humanity and everything with it. These were only the beginnings of my ideas. Yes, my pockets were lined with dirty dollars of anyone who was willing to pay for protection. This is capitalism at its finest. This is everything that we once believed in. Things they change even if we don’t think that they can. No one notices if you stay within the lines.

What is left of Christianity would blame faith in false idols and other dated terms for what was coming. Yes, I am that old. Faith can come to us at any moment, but it cannot change in an instant. It is enduring like that. The same can’t be said for nations. Even to those who neither fear or believe in God. Faith is something else. Faith isn’t something than can be so easily pushed aside. Even the most faithless person believes in something. Something they cannot see, but swear that they can feel. The new question now became how do I get them to believe in me? The faithful fought the next wave of advancements. Pushed my patience beyond their limits. I grew bored with enhancing nations to the highest bidder. It was time to take my ideas beyond governmental and to the people. Take it beyond the surface of what I knew and go deeper. Humans are a flawed design. Boasting about how we are the greatest at everything. Spreading lies beyond the fabric of what we know to be true, but I knew with my help. I could make all our lies, all our fables, and all our faith in ourselves a reality. I knew that I could make them true.

My advancements in nano tech and hybrid parts brought the revolution to the people. Put everything in their hands to do with as they wished. So long as they paid. So long as they understood what it was, they were getting into. They didn’t, but it didn’t matter. Humans adapt to ideas they don’t understand. It is a slow process, but they accept the way things are eventually or they die off. Evolution sits as a theory, but the problem is we understand it better than we like to think. We accept it as truth even as we question its very existence. Deep down we already knew. We have always known what is that we are, where we come from, and how it will all go. There may be no all-seeing god, but something moves us to follow blindly. I would give them the means for what we have spent existence to discover. No one, not even myself can be as arrogant to not believe in a purpose. A self-fulfilling prophecy written before the beginning of time.

The fall was coming. Everything I had created was going to turn. Human history is riddle with stories similar to mine. The Roman Empire, the Chinese Dynasties, the rise of early man, and the list could follow us all the way to today. Life doesn’t stop under the wheel of change. It grows stronger. Picking up speed until we no longer understand what it is that we have created. A bump in the road, a great fall, but this one was different. This one was not like the rest. Unlike the falls of the past, the missteps that lead to something else. This one changed the game. Changed the world and the human race. We moved past everything we thought we knew with built in control. We became something greater than ourselves. The ones that were left that is. The advancements I made in human tech changed the game. We became one with the robots. Equal to my creations. Working side by side until we cleaned up everything. We needed something more though. We always need something more. We looked to the skies once again. Except this time, we knew that we were ready to face any and all challenges. No longer a dream, but the next step in our evolution. My evolution, my purpose in this world. For the first time in human history people are too busy thinking. Thinking of ways to make everything better rather than how to destroy. For the first time in human history everyone is thinking like me.

That is why I live here alone like this. To free myself from all the noise. That is why among other things I do what I do. To clear my consciousness. I feel this need to distance myself from them. I feel this over encumbering need to be as far away from them as I can. So, I can better them. So, I can better us as people. Nothing will ever stand in our way of achieving greatness ever again. We will conquer the stars as one. We will take all that is ours as one. For the first time in human existence, we all have a singular reason to flourish and all it took was me.  The weight of the world sits on my shoulders held up by the strength of so many. Change is inevitable even if nothing ever seems to change outside the lines. The wind howls outside of my cabin. A few more days left of darkness and the chase will begin again. The world advancing by the minute and my wealth grows. The owner of this world, my empire, lives in near darkness studying the sky of the lost planet no one’s even heard of yet. Trying to make sense of our new purpose in this universe and the darkness beyond.

Layne Ambrose

This fucking story… This story didn’t start out like this at all… the original draft was trash… an idea that I didn’t know was there until I looked a lot deeper… So I worked on it… worked with it… typed up the whole thing on my phone… had it all amazing… had it to a point that I thought was good… then technology and my stupidity fucked me… While trying to transfer the file from my phone to Layne’s computer… using all the great advancements that Google bestowed onto us… We lost the whole thing… didn’t save it correctly… or lost internet connection… who knows…

Back to step one… and I was fucking pissed… I’m still pissed and it has been over a week… still pissed and I have rewritten the whole thing for a second time… but it is over and done?… I just read it… why are you so pissed?… Who cares?… you are right but it doesn’t matter… We’re pissed because the story was vastly different… and how it was different I don’t know… but I know… it wasn’t sci-fi… I write by the seat of my pants… I write until it is done… I purge the thoughts and move on… then one of us takes over… so if it isn’t written down… saved somewhere… neither of us have any idea what it was that the other even said…

So… all that work… all that effort… gone in a flash… and like this character all I think about is progression… not going back… But we had to go back… We had to finish this story… redo this story… woke up today… and got it done… It isn’t that bad actually… still pretty pissed that I had to do it again… but for all I know… it might have all been for the best… destruction and loss… may have all been for the best… or maybe it wasn’t… “Faith can come to us at any moment, but it cannot change in an instant”

It’s A Funny Story… Even If It Isn’t…

Trying something new… Imagine that… I haven’t written anything new outside of poetry and the new story I am working on… Sadly that isn’t for the website… Redoing my next book… well kind of… I had this whole theme I was running through the whole book… I didn’t like it… not the story, but the theme… or the idea… shit happens… so I am overhauling a few things… and none of this matters… 

Recently I have decided that I’m really into board game boards… it is for an art project that I have locked in my head… so I went to my local Goodwill… and picked up any that I found interesting… one of them happened to be the Match Game… or so I thought… what I actually got was some came from the 70’s called The Ungame… yeah I had never heard of it either… more about the history of the game here… well the point of the game is to start a conversation or get you talking… the concept is just lame enough that I am in love with it… we are going to play a little game… 

Chewing On Glass Logo


The Question

What activity do you engage in that involves all of you: your mind, your body, and your soul?

The most obvious answer for me is writing… I put everything into this… my books… and my projects… so I’m not going to waste your time telling you something you could have guessed…So I am going to have to go with the thing that takes more of me than writing… My daughter… 

Mind… my daughter tests me every day with her three million questions about the same thing… or when she says… “I show you… I show you”… when she wants me to hear her sing… as I am trying to put out a grill fire… life be damned… stop and look at me… or when I have to hear Twinkle Twinkle Litte Star one more damn time… when all I want to do is listen to my favorite song… 

Body… whether she is digging her tiny little feet into me like I don’t exist… or swinging her arms at me like a crazed mad woman when she doesn’t want to leave the park… making me look like a kidnapper or awful person… or screaming into my ear to the point that it rings… because why not… “You’re so funny”… No, I’m so deaf now… 

Soul… because I would give her mine without a second thought… even if it was to add only one more second to hers.. she is one wild crazy ass child… but every moment with her is worth whatever it cost… I don’t think the meaning of life is to create life… but I do believe that she has become my purpose in this world…

Merch… Teespring… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Wait and See…

I’m startled awake confused as to where I am and where I should be. I can feel the bang of the door as much as I think I can hear it. “I’m going already. Give it a rest,” I shout but they don’t care. The door rattles with every strike. Must mean something to bang this damn long. I try to get up and at first it seems that I am having the hardest of times. Everything seems out of place in my brain as I. There’s no other way to describe what happens to me next. No way other than I rise up? A ghostly outline of my former self. Neither here nor there or anywhere to be exact. I watch over my lifeless shell. Who I used to be? Who I am now? Who I will be forever? Confusion doesn’t even begin to explain the feelings of everything that is happening. My door bursts open. No more banging. 

The first emergency responder to rush into my tiny studio apartment seems as though he is caught between two places. Nervousness and excitement flashes across his face in a slow motion that plays out in rapid speed. His partner half a step behind him. Their heavy bags land with a thud next to my bed, next to me. What is left of me? One of them picks up the phone next to my vessel’s hand. Says a few words I cannot understand as I once did, and hangs up the phone. The other man searches for a pulse. Finding nothing of course they begin chest compressions. The difference between life and whatever this is, is only a second but I imagine every second counts at this point. I imagine what is left of my time counts for something when a life is on the line. Try as they might the only fight left is the battle within themselves. They aren’t willing to let go. Not like my body has. I’ve made my peace as I watch them fail. As I watch the needle fall from my arm and onto the floor. I’ve made my peace I think though it would seem that I haven’t. A by stander to my own end and a shitty narrator to my new beginning.

If God is real, he is nothing more than a trickster. Proving a point that only the dead could understand. Even if everything feels like a dream or a shitty nightmare played out in my head. Is this real? Is this the high or something else? The two EMTs fight and fight to bring me back. I wonder why I didn’t do the same. Why do they care so much when I didn’t? I want to make them stop. Tell them thank you but I did this, and it is what I deserve. We die, I died, the end. What’s really left to say? A lifeless corpse with shit in his veins. How else was this going to end? Is this the way I wanted it? Sure, why not? Had to happen at some point or another. Death waits for no one or nothing. More so when you play with it like I have. This is what I deserve and they don’t deserve to watch it all fold out. Embracing my new beginning. Embracing what comes next it would appear that this was all only a warning. A second look at what it is that I have done. Something draws me back to my vessel. Tells me to lay back down. Not a thought or an idea the feeling is beyond my understanding to explain. I do what it is I feel I must.

Maybe if I lie back down. Lay perfectly still the two parts will become whole once more? Nothing left to lose any more. I try to recreate the position my body is in on the bed. What comes next is nothing short of a rebirth. The feeling of waking up after a long slumber as I spring back to life. Gasping for air and for the first time in what feels like forever I feel it. I feel it all. The tears flow down my face as I look into their eyes. Euphoric at first and then nothing but pain. Startled and relieved I grab the collar of the EMT closest to me, “Thank you.” Thank you is all I have to say. Thank you for what however we will just have to wait and see.

Valerie Hannigan

I’ve never done drugs nor have I ever been on the verge of death. I don’t know anyone who has almost died or died and then came back. This isn’t a very personal story though I suppose it could be. Because I may not know of anyone who has died and came back. I do know a drug addict or two. We don’t speak. Don’t need that shit around my children or in my life. No one needs that garbage in their lives. Life is never easy and why anyone would want to make it any harder than it already is, is beyond me. People will do what they do though for whatever reason they think they should do it. I’m not above it myself. I’m not better than every other walking asshole on earth. I got my own set of problems that need to be dealt with on a daily basis. Reflection and thinking past the now is the only advice I can give. It is the only thing that works for me. Could I use an escape? A fucking break from the chaos that is my children? I bet their little souls I could. The now. But when the vacation is over? When their soulless bodies are resting in my arms. What new chaos am I facing? How will my life be then? Peaceful.

Got lost in a fantasy there for a second. My life would be shit. Still here, but a little worse. Do it again and again, and what do you think will be left? Everyone wants to run away from their problems. But no matter how far you run they are still going to be right there. Dealing with them, accepting the challenge is the only way to get over them. Not the easiest of solutions. Not what anyone wants to hear. Cheat codes are the best way to play any video game until you’ve rode out the codes for everything they are. Then that game is trash and all you want is something new. The game isn’t what you can do at the end, but what we did to get there. Or something like that…

Watching The World Go By… In Ever Passing Moments…

The Plan

Feelings disappear into the light
Faded but always there
Moments in time seems to last forever
Seconds of thought, a lifetime of regret
Decisions made that can’t be undone
Another day in the life of someone else
Too afraid to take a step
Backwards or forwards there is nothing left
Feelings reappearing every night
Haunting me from the shadows
Crosses burning, signaling a fight
A struggle so unreal that it has to be real life
A thought that doesn’t cross empty minds
Time has a way or remaining all the same
People don’t change only the time and place
Lost in a cycle that can’t possibly end
Given up only to just begin
Suffering was always the ultimate plan

Mapping out how I would feel
Planning every occurrence that makes this unreal
A desperation so pure
A rotting life left with no cure

Short post today… I’m not feeling today at all… which is an odd way to say that I am feeling too much… too many thoughts to make any sense… ever passing moment… there is a war inside my head… a battle to keep going on… versus a force that says lay down and die… dig a hole and crawl in… ever passing moment… self-destruction was never my thing… only a dream… locked inside my head… “Want to destroy something beautiful”… what is it that I want to destroy?… when I’m so ugly… scared… broken… the surface still… calm… chaos hidden from view… tearing my throat out… won’t shut up… tearing my soul to pieces… can’t give up… some part of me… still in here… in some way… waiting out the storm… ever passing moment… I’m only trying to live… 

“This chicken is really spicy!!!”… My daughter… made me smile when I wanted to cry… all I added was a hint of pepper… little things that make no sense… change of mood… love her… even if I don’t love myself… comforting to know I love at all…