Lips Turning Blue… Again…

Oroblram

I’m lost and going in circles
Never left this spot
Yet here I’m not
I’d give you what I know
But I know so little
I’m afraid it won’t do
Tomorrow though if I’m not dead
Past tense of course
Words are forever
Etched into our skin
Actions only a second
Recorded for all the see
Worth and concern
The two don’t ever change
Which is worth more to you
Here is my advice
Fuck off and see what happens
Working out just fine
Masturbating is the best sex you’ll ever have
Yet you still try to fuck everything that moves
Humanity at its finest
Haven’t you heard
We’ve got another day at the most
Secrets been out for centuries
Turns out none of it mattered
All the stress, the fear, the life, the death
Built upon an altar, built in the mind
I’m lost and going in circles
Spinning deeper and deeper
All of this I’ve done for you
Promise me you understand
Promise you know this too
You’ve always known
Hidden thoughts, hidden words
For my protection kept me hidden away
You’re welcome

Broken Thoughts… I’m Over It…

Breaking down the walls that surround your rules
On how things are supposed to be
Nothing is supposed to be anything
How things are, are not that way at all
Time has shown us nothing
Time keeps going whether right or wrong
The rules are not the rules at all

Falling apart at a low speed…

Became everything I never wanted to be
A hypocrite, a liar, shattered
Search for the answers through the ruble
We think we understand but we have no idea at all
Trapped in a world that doesn’t forgive, only forgets
Stuck in a place without a thing to say
Knees pressed against the concrete
More said the more we are driven under
The times they aren’t a changing
Only coming back again
A suffocating wave of everything we’ve ever said

Coming apart at the seams…

My anger it doesn’t subside
My feelings are taking me to my grave
Smile real big, it doesn’t hurt after all
Does it hurt?
Do I care?

Keeps going anyway
The same fucking smile craved into my face
I hate myself but more than I could hate you
Ask me again, what was the fucking question?
Breaking bones, breaking souls, breaking down
How much of this is really okay to take in?
And how much of this am I supposed to let go?
Prescriptions running low
How much more do you really need to know?

Broken Thoughts

 

Broken Thoughts… A Passion…

Got to drink for any of this to make any sense
Anything to drain my mind from feeling like this
Breaking apart or so it seems
Becoming the darkness in the shadows of my mind
Not much longer and the devil will be I
Given up so much to not be them
Taken in so much poison to be so far removed
The venom hurt at first, but not anymore
Above all things I have learned
Feeling nothing at all was always the greatest lesson
One more to make this all go away
A broken thought to end them all

Disabled and can’t be repaired…

How long am I willing to wait for everything to be better
How long has it been already
My whole life, nothing’s changed
No matter what I do
My impatience a crutch
My boredom only an excuse
How long am I willing to believe everything will be better
How long has it been already
My whole life, everything changes
No matter what I do
My experiences a crutch
My anticipation only an excuse
To believe this depression will ever leave me

Searching the world for someone who really cares…

A long gasp at the air
Who knew this was it
A long stride into hell
Who knew it could be as cool as this
Broke away only to break in
How we’ve missed it
The signs all pointed North
Been heading South all along
What it is outside the observable universe
More nothing then we can understand
Who knew it was a joke
Wasn’t funny, laughed anyway
Paying attention but no idea what’s been said
Wandering around naked never felt so natural
Wasting time trying to figure it out
No longer running from something
All that matters after so much pain

Broken Thoughts

Been depressed as of late… feeling sorry for myself once again… I hate it… yet I fall right in line… digging myself out takes most of my excuses… sorry energy… I have no reason to feel depressed… but there I sit… staring at the screen… wanting to be here nor there… sitting… doing nothing… pissing myself off at my own laziness… I work like there is a gun held to the back of my head…. but at home?… I stare into a screen… a wall… a mirror… acting as though I have all the time in the world… as though everything will work itself out… I’m all mixed up… setting off the triggers… that leave me lying there… do this to myself… and blame everyone else… talking to myself inside my head once again…

At work I was working on this whole other thing in my head… still am I guess… chewing on the glass… so to speak… the blood drips from my lip… I think I know where it is I must begin… 

Chasing The Demon Into The Night…

Think About It

Even if it’s not
What would be the point
Of fighting if the outcome
Is the same as before
What is life worth if it is worthless
Confused, I don’t get the point either
Passive aggressive I suppose
My mind feels sick
Infected with thoughts
That need no answers
But I ask the questions anyway
Fuck off
Is that for me or you
I no longer know
Sure in time I’ll find out
Even if I was to give you an answer
It’ll never be the one that you want
Lost in thought, lost in translation
I’m flying first class
But I’m broke
But I’m broken
The money never changed how anyone
Felt inside their mind
The money only changed everything else
Would I still want it if it was free
It’s a trap, a scheme
To pull one over on me
Thank you for the advice

Been thinking a lot about order and chaos… how they fit together… the symbiotic relationship between the two… where I fit into that… who I am in relations to such a thing… the spinning circle that is life… been weighing on my mind as of late… I feel like there is a story there… a thought I am missing… and so I obsess… over such things… thought I would share where I am right now… 

Because Everything Can’t Be So Serious… Or Can It?…

Might be leaving here with very little battery life
But I don’t care
All in my head if you ask me
Not truly dead until five percent
And even then
Bringing all the hurt one could ever need
A sinkhole made of shit, more like quicksand
But who’s asking me
No one ever did so maybe that’s why I’m so bitter
Never got invited to the dance
And I never asked
Locked away inside my head
The despair is getting to me
Self-preservation unconsciously
But there’s nothing wrong with that
After awhile
After some time
All batteries drain away and the signals all gone

 

Mother’s Love Chocolate Covered Shit” was a title I came up with, but never used… It was going to be this long monologue… long stream of conscious thought… about all the chocolate covered shit at work for Mother’s Day… Yet no woman in my life has ever asked me or shown interest in such things… is this a case of society pushing crap on women or a deep secret desire to cover the world in chocolate?… but why only on Mother’s Day ladies?… Why not every day?… change starts with you… if you want something you have to take it… and pour chocolate on it… 

 

Proudly serving those that serve
Hidden slavery no one understands
Taken a fool by the Masters
Best intentions at heart
Proudly owned by those who own me
Wish I could separate myself from who I’ve become
Jaded and lost, time has a funny way of screwing us all
Where have the days gone if they haven’t gone anywhere
Standing in a stand still
Death will be here soon and then what do we do
Rehearsing  my place in all of this
One long line waiting to get in
Praying all of this will seem worth it

 

“I don’t see the bosses yellow Mustang or the midlife crises cruiser as I’ve been known to call it, so he is not here. Which is either a good thing or a very bad for me.” Not everything has to make sense at the time or years later… for some reason I never finished this thought… and even now I don’t know where I was going with this… This next part is in the same boat… a prewrite where… well you can read it and tell me… 

 

This prewrite didn’t reveal shit
Fuck technique when it doesn’t matter
Too much anger to flow
Too much anger to make any sense
Fuck you, like I care
I don’t, oh well, what are we going to do about it?
Suffering maybe the best way
But where does that leave the rest of us
Put your balls on the table
Watch them get chopped off and added to the pile
Wonder what the fuck is happening
Does it matter anymore
Fuck you said in only so many ways
Bit the curb and succumb to the toothless grin
Turns out teeth were more important than once thought
Rotting out from the inside
Your breath smells like shit and I can’t take it anymore
Shattered perception of what it takes to be a man
Called out to define the definition of a vagina
The words are so convoluted it’s like they don’t makes sense at all
Given up on the solution and the conflicted
Hollowed out and welcomed home

 

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This was all in fun… leftover pieces that didn’t fit anywhere else… some of it was stupid… who writes a poem about battery life?… haha… made sense at the time… lack of sleep will make anything makes sense though… the last entry… I have no idea where I was going other than to say random things… was my favorite… a lot of really cool… weird… dark lines… hopefully you enjoyed this trip inside my mind… this adventure into the past… 

Calling Me Home… Calling Me…

If I Only Knew

Panic attacks are the only way I can feel
My own heartbeat as it beats through my chest
I’m so lost I don’t exist anymore
The feelings I once had I don’t have
Anymore
I see myself
Sickening, sickly, sick
I see myself slipping down further than I ever thought
A deep dark hole carved into a home
Locked away in a shadow, through the darkness
In myself I see
Always give myself one more day
This life is the longest day I will ever know
And starting tomorrow I’ll only have to let go
Who I am, who I’ve been, who I will be
My fears are only the will to live
My fears fade away as the day goes on
If it wasn’t for this need
Existence would be an excuse
March to my own grave
If only I had known
This would have been my home

I’m thinking about getting into mumble rap… turns out I have already written several albums worth of material… today actually… what can I say… I am an overachiever… an asshole… and a genius in a genre I never knew I could have been apart of… which is why as of today… as of now… I have decided to retire from my mumble rap career to focus on my poetry and stories… Thank you to all of those who have followed… supported… loved me… through out my career… For those of you who do not know what mumble rap is… I am jealous… envious even… okay I am done being an asshole… haha… just kidding… see you all Wednesday… for Part 24 of the Asshole Chronicles… A Day In The Life… 

Chasing Darkness…

Things aren’t quite the way they used to be. Things change fact of life and death. Even if we can change those facts like I have. Things still very much change. I no longer know who I am or what I have become. I’m not what most people would consider normal. Most would consider me to be eccentric. They always have from every moment that I can remember. Strange not normal. Broken and not equal. Different in every sense of the word. They were right of course, but I guess chasing endless winter is not most people’s idea of a good time. Not most people’s idea of where I should be or what I should be doing. But I like the isolation, the cold, and the loneliness of it all. It helps me think and that is all they really want from me in the end. They want me to think for them. To create for them. Being out here in the nothing makes me feel more alive than a room full of people sucking up to my money. Yes, I am rich. Richer than most nations to be exact. To be fair though that isn’t saying much considering most nations didn’t go with technology. The choice was too easy to follow me, to invest in my ideas. Man is flawed in that way. Self-doubt, too easy can’t be the right way. Must resist and so they did. Investing in war and death. I shouldn’t have to tell you how that turned out. But history, stories they are summaries of things we already know.

Turns out bombs don’t feed people or build homes or take care of you when you get old. No, bombs only have one purpose and they do that function very well. But robots? My robots? They can do so much more than kill. Most nations fallen to the way side, disappeared off the map of everything including people’s minds. The advancements were swift, they were quick. I discovered a loop hole that we had missed. An easy option no one believed to exist. Greatly enhanced soldiers that feel no pain, targeting systems that can target any and everything you may desire, and a defense system so advanced that it would make nuclear war less of a fear and more of an annoyance. Whole nations wiping themselves out before the missiles even left the ground. Only took a few of these “brave and fearless leader” to wipe themselves out before all nuclear missiles were deemed obsolete. In fact, less bombs destroyed whole nations then had ever been tested in the history of any nuclear program. I didn’t just make the world better. I saved humanity and everything with it. These were only the beginnings of my ideas. Yes, my pockets were lined with dirty dollars of anyone who was willing to pay for protection. This is capitalism at its finest. This is everything that we once believed in. Things they change even if we don’t think that they can. No one notices if you stay within the lines.

What is left of Christianity would blame faith in false idols and other dated terms for what was coming. Yes, I am that old. Faith can come to us at any moment, but it cannot change in an instant. It is enduring like that. The same can’t be said for nations. Even to those who neither fear or believe in God. Faith is something else. Faith isn’t something than can be so easily pushed aside. Even the most faithless person believes in something. Something they cannot see, but swear that they can feel. The new question now became how do I get them to believe in me? The faithful fought the next wave of advancements. Pushed my patience beyond their limits. I grew bored with enhancing nations to the highest bidder. It was time to take my ideas beyond governmental and to the people. Take it beyond the surface of what I knew and go deeper. Humans are a flawed design. Boasting about how we are the greatest at everything. Spreading lies beyond the fabric of what we know to be true, but I knew with my help. I could make all our lies, all our fables, and all our faith in ourselves a reality. I knew that I could make them true.

My advancements in nano tech and hybrid parts brought the revolution to the people. Put everything in their hands to do with as they wished. So long as they paid. So long as they understood what it was, they were getting into. They didn’t, but it didn’t matter. Humans adapt to ideas they don’t understand. It is a slow process, but they accept the way things are eventually or they die off. Evolution sits as a theory, but the problem is we understand it better than we like to think. We accept it as truth even as we question its very existence. Deep down we already knew. We have always known what is that we are, where we come from, and how it will all go. There may be no all-seeing god, but something moves us to follow blindly. I would give them the means for what we have spent existence to discover. No one, not even myself can be as arrogant to not believe in a purpose. A self-fulfilling prophecy written before the beginning of time.

The fall was coming. Everything I had created was going to turn. Human history is riddle with stories similar to mine. The Roman Empire, the Chinese Dynasties, the rise of early man, and the list could follow us all the way to today. Life doesn’t stop under the wheel of change. It grows stronger. Picking up speed until we no longer understand what it is that we have created. A bump in the road, a great fall, but this one was different. This one was not like the rest. Unlike the falls of the past, the missteps that lead to something else. This one changed the game. Changed the world and the human race. We moved past everything we thought we knew with built in control. We became something greater than ourselves. The ones that were left that is. The advancements I made in human tech changed the game. We became one with the robots. Equal to my creations. Working side by side until we cleaned up everything. We needed something more though. We always need something more. We looked to the skies once again. Except this time, we knew that we were ready to face any and all challenges. No longer a dream, but the next step in our evolution. My evolution, my purpose in this world. For the first time in human history people are too busy thinking. Thinking of ways to make everything better rather than how to destroy. For the first time in human history everyone is thinking like me.

That is why I live here alone like this. To free myself from all the noise. That is why among other things I do what I do. To clear my consciousness. I feel this need to distance myself from them. I feel this over encumbering need to be as far away from them as I can. So, I can better them. So, I can better us as people. Nothing will ever stand in our way of achieving greatness ever again. We will conquer the stars as one. We will take all that is ours as one. For the first time in human existence, we all have a singular reason to flourish and all it took was me.  The weight of the world sits on my shoulders held up by the strength of so many. Change is inevitable even if nothing ever seems to change outside the lines. The wind howls outside of my cabin. A few more days left of darkness and the chase will begin again. The world advancing by the minute and my wealth grows. The owner of this world, my empire, lives in near darkness studying the sky of the lost planet no one’s even heard of yet. Trying to make sense of our new purpose in this universe and the darkness beyond.

Layne Ambrose

This fucking story… This story didn’t start out like this at all… the original draft was trash… an idea that I didn’t know was there until I looked a lot deeper… So I worked on it… worked with it… typed up the whole thing on my phone… had it all amazing… had it to a point that I thought was good… then technology and my stupidity fucked me… While trying to transfer the file from my phone to Layne’s computer… using all the great advancements that Google bestowed onto us… We lost the whole thing… didn’t save it correctly… or lost internet connection… who knows…

Back to step one… and I was fucking pissed… I’m still pissed and it has been over a week… still pissed and I have rewritten the whole thing for a second time… but it is over and done?… I just read it… why are you so pissed?… Who cares?… you are right but it doesn’t matter… We’re pissed because the story was vastly different… and how it was different I don’t know… but I know… it wasn’t sci-fi… I write by the seat of my pants… I write until it is done… I purge the thoughts and move on… then one of us takes over… so if it isn’t written down… saved somewhere… neither of us have any idea what it was that the other even said…

So… all that work… all that effort… gone in a flash… and like this character all I think about is progression… not going back… But we had to go back… We had to finish this story… redo this story… woke up today… and got it done… It isn’t that bad actually… still pretty pissed that I had to do it again… but for all I know… it might have all been for the best… destruction and loss… may have all been for the best… or maybe it wasn’t… “Faith can come to us at any moment, but it cannot change in an instant”

“I See The Game… And It Sees Me”…

Desperately Trying To Hold On, For You

Thought about the thoughts
That make us human after all
Thought about the thoughts
That don’t matter at all
Thought maybe then I thought
About it all
All these thoughts I thought
As I waited for the fall

We tell ourselves it matters
We push for results
But in the end as we wait for it all
Nothing made sense
Nothing was all it was
What we think holds value
Holds nothing at all

So I thought about the thoughts
That makes us human after all
I thought about the thoughts
That don’t matter after all
Draw my conclusions
What I found was
Fuck it all

The next generation is so fucked… everything is right now… I need it now… is dinner ready?… no… it takes fucking time… spoiled and they don’t even know why… time is moving so fast… have you figured out yet what you want to be?… left behind… we do this to ourselves and ask why… human reasoning… kiss it all good bye… we need time to step back… say okay… this is the direction we need to go… not enough time… maybe we have always been this way… maybe it is something new… but in the end… what the fuck is going on?… I’m just grumpy… because my walker is in the shop…

Broken Thoughts…

Always standing and watching
Participation is only an option
Waiting through the darkness
Copying, pasting thoughts and ideas
My thoughts have never been
Mine and mine alone

Generations of bending and shaping…

Walking this as slow as I can
The rush to die wasted on the youth
Thoughts of immortality disappear with every year
To be trapped in this old casket
Would be hell
The sands of time will only weigh me down from here
Giving in was never an option
It was always the plan

A never ending conclusion of thought…

Your words don’t inspire me
They dig, carve out a place within my soul
A den of deceit, lies, beauty to unfold
They consume, swallow me whole
Every instance of instinct
Every truth of existence
Proves my point as it grows
The thoughts burn up inside me
I’m burning down slowly
Ashes given back to the earth
Lonely, depressed maybe this is what I deserve
A life wasted on dreams, on the absurd
The more I want it the further it seems
What is it that I want so badly in these dreams?
The fire must rage, fuel to the flame
Even if it is slowly killing me all the same
What do I have left
Ashes, condemned to my last breath

Broken Thoughts

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