Something Different…

Broken Soul

Even when we try to let it go
It goes nowhere, but straight to the heart
Wearing myself thin, dead skin mask
Stretched so tight, who am I supposed to be
If I can’t be you
Envision myself to be better
Lies I tell myself to get by
Broken boned and everything I despise
Two more days and I’ll be okay
Keep telling myself the same old shit
Beating my head against the wall
Soon all the thoughts will flow out
Soon all that is wrong will be right again

Today was the day we died
We said we hadn’t
But I guess I lied
Smiled all the same
No one missed the exit
But no one knows where it is
Makes it easier
I guess
Take the next right
Hope for the best
Spiraling out into a fire
No one knows what it is
They are even looking for
Given up to give in
Makes sense in the end
Go ahead and give it
What it needs
Too much thought wasted
On what is and what could have been
I think, I do, but who knows
Dancing in the ashes of our souls
What happens when we’ve all gone to hell?
I can’t have a pity party
Every time you feel depressed
I’m running out of cake and shit to say

digging through the past… to understand how I feel in the present… finding inspiration in nothing… hard to be inspired by all the shit around me… have a wonderful day… 

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Something Different…

With Me

I can see every last thought you’d ever think
I live in your dreams though you call them nightmares
My thoughts are with you day and night
My blood moves you as though if to fight
Tomorrow a new day dawns
Yet another day for you and I
Teetering on the edge
How much control do you think you really command?
Let me out and I shall show you how to live
Let me go and I’ll erase everything you know
I am you and you are me
We say we are different
A lie we must believe
A lie which controls us through space and time
I can see your every thought
I live with you even if you have moved on
Death is but an idea
Withheld from the weak
There is no tomorrow
When you are with me

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Broken Thoughts…

Dismembered, disemboweled
There may be something I have to figure out
Bleeding for a while now
How long can I live
After I’ve bled it all out
If the heart keeps ticking
Does the mind just shut it out
I feel as if the thoughts
Contradicted the actions that I’m feeling

It haunts rather than drives me…

Planes falling from the skies
I wish I didn’t have to believe all your lies
The drugs haven’t kicked in
The shock of it all is more than set
Wondering how much this is going to hurt
When it sets in, set into the ground
Praying for something more than the truth
If this is the end than let it end
These past few years have been
More than I ever care to stand
An eternity like this might as well be hell
At this point heaven can go fuck itself
How long does it take to hit the ground
A whole lot longer than it does to take off

How come all I ever wish for is to be dead?…

Starving for a moment
Waiting for my time in the sun
Like every other sad fuck that I know
Working hard to do nothing at all
Society will fuck you with no reason why
Sleeping with my eyes open
Hoping for a moment that won’t come true
Something for nothing would be fantastic
Do I deserve this at all
Does anyone deserve anything
Meant to die, still holding on
I can’t remember the lines or how they go
Something along the line will bring them out of me
A process in the moment of clarity
Too busy getting fucked to take advantage of such things
My life in a spiral, rich or dead, both or nothing
Destined for great things

Broken Thoughts

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Something Different…

Before

In death we find peace
But what about the rest
What about here and now
Tranquility in sin
Blood for passion
Passion for blood
Drinking until you don’t remember
Forgetting all the times before
Do it once more
Over and over a repeating
Kaleidoscope of bullshit
Heard it all before
Excuses becoming useless
Yet I still have more
My condition is human
But why does it feel so
So, painful and relentless
In death we find peace
In death we find whatever it is
We never had before

Still digging at the past… a past way I once felt every day… living in the middle of a depression storm can be… well depressing… some of us have it worse than others… each of us has to find our answer… but no matter how bad it ever gets know that there is always an answer… there is always hope… we are only here on this planet for one thing… make it to the next day… no day will ever be perfect… you will never get everything you ever wanted… but if we try hard enough we can get most of it… we can have perfect memories… 

Also, I’m not 28 anymore… wish I was… : ( … growing old sucks… enjoy every moment… good or bad… not all of them will be here for long… it goes fast… it is easy to get stuck on an idea… on a feeling… and it can take everything we have to break away from it… we’ve all been there… if there is anything I have learned since starting this website… it is that we have all been there… 

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Broken Thoughts…

I wrote the novel
Now I just have to write the story
If you stop to think about it
I know you’d never do it
The meaning loses effort
As soon as we stop to realize
What it means

Something starting to smell real weird… should have buried the bodies…

What am I doing here?
Wasting time in between the lines

I could run but what does that say about me
What do I care about what people think
Human nature, self-conscious, maybe?

Next week seems like the perfect time…

Feel as though I don’t matter
Because I don’t
How long does it take to build trust
Don’t know
Lost in my head with a shitty name
Lost in thought but who could tell
Working out the problems is taking too long
Saving up for nothing, can I ask a favor
If I give you the lighter fluid
Do you think that you could provide the light
Didn’t think so but that’s okay
Seems as though the only ones prepared
Is the enemy

Broken Thoughts

Multitasking right now… but you didn’t know that… well, you do now… for some reason WordPress wants all my text to be in grey… not that I don’t feel that way at times… but I want the text to be black… annoying… but considering I don’t have to write the script… maintain some shit… or do anything beyond highlight and change it back… I guess I can’t complain… turns out I just did… maybe grey is the way to go today… 

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And Other Things From This Time…

Emotionally Stressed

I’m so sick of these feelings
This need to please everyone
When I know damn well it’s not good enough
Putting myself out on a daily basis
Backing my ass up and begging for the pain
Gambling on not winning at all
Why can’t everyone see that it’s all useless like me
Maybe they do or maybe they’re just too stupid to let go
Oh, I forgot how immature I can seem
A constant reminder from the ones that have never even spoken to me
Cuts on my fingers make me as dumb as them
Must be in the water we drink and not in the way we think
Bleeding for a chance to say go fuck yourself
There’s nothing here except heartache
And yet here I stay torturing my soul
A shitty romance of blood and bone
I am the source of all my pain
Directly fucking myself day after day
If giving up was so easy then why hasn’t it worked already
I blame my mother for reasons I don’t know…

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Broken Thoughts…

Living out the eulogy, the funeral has been
Happening for years
Knew you were right when I said you weren’t
Known I’ve felt the same, but I didn’t want too
A lie from
Day one, yesterday, today
I don’t know any more
Too late to turn any of this around
A long time coming
Long time spent looking the other way
I love you
Each word stings and it feels like this
Is how it is meant to be

Where is the anger coming from?…

Searching for myself and my lost identity
Who have I become if I don’t know myself
A man born into no sleep, an asshole baptized in fire
Where will life go from here
Where are we now if we are nowhere at all
Trapped between my own prisons
Locked away to figure it all out
But I don’t know anything beyond what I’m told
How am I supposed to know
If even I don’t know
Silenced by the thoughts of wrong and right
Torn between what I want and what I need
Two things that will never be the same
Searching for something that has meaning
Through a life of no importance beyond me and you
A man born into suffering, an asshole left rotting
Inside out and ass backward
Which way is straight away from here
Which direction is anything with no directions at all?

Let’s go back to where this all started…

Digging up the past
Fresh ideas to bury with the rest
Hollowed out bodies, turn to leather
Intersecting midsection, torn apart
Half eaten entrails
Yes, I already know I’m going to hell
Lying upon a heap of burning bodies
There will be no rest for my immortal soul
So, the story goes
I no longer have fears
Dissected, inflicted, sacrificed
God made me and the Devil too
Who should I blame, If I can’t blame you

Broken Thoughts

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Broken Thoughts…

Her pain is internal, long lasting, and forever. It is a constant as rich as her words. Nothing seems to make her happy anymore. She is lost. In a place, I can no longer find. It is as though from time to time she has an out of body experience. An external meltdown where she is no longer here or there.

cropped words chewing on glass

I’m writing this from my grave
It’s in my head but that’s okay
Some days I wish it would all go away
Others for it to never end
Blessing and a curse
I just don’t understand why it has to hurt
The writing is on the wall
But I’m happy to watch it all fall
Sliding down into the abyss
A long dark descent into shit
Blessing and a curse
I just don’t understand why it has to be this way
The words are sprawled against my chest
But I’m happy to watch it all settle in
“We spend most of our lives just glancing. Glancing at the thought or idea of something better.”

cropped-website-logo.jpg

Promoting something… Promoting my soul… Promoting something I don’t know… 

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Broken Thoughts…

Sharing in your tragedy
A loveless relationship built on pain
Discuss our inner fears
Friendship only meant to get us through a time
Long lasting, forever scared
Torn between two ideas
One I’ve had another only thought of
A dream of what you became
Sad, sickly, lonely GIF of a man
Spoke my peace now I know why
Now I understand the silence…

Settling for nothing because it all feels the same…

Standing naked against the rain
Not sure if this is normal or spiritual
Judging others is never what I came to say
Broken down I think this behavior is okay
A seismic shift of how we are meant to feel
Digging up bodies left to rot in the past
Moving on was never meant to last
Reflection is harder when you’re the cause of it all
The hurt means something overall
A cosmic rift of how we are meant to be

With purpose and skill… we could all still be right here…

Here comes the rain, here comes the flood
Don’t think anyone will judge
If you get out now
Only the strong will survive this shit
Adolescent maybe
Layman’s terms are easier to understand
The biblical notion that all things are rotten
The idealistic ideal is better soft spoken
I wished and it came true
Now I’m just as fucked as you

Broken Thoughts

Waiting on some emails that may change my life… Been waiting for years… Mostly inside my head… I know that it is going to happen… One of these days… things will feel so different… that I will miss the way that it was… because I am human… Because no one ever wants what they got… Maybe I should go check my inbox?… 

Dragging my feet across the coals of everything I know

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And Other Things From This Time…

Felt No More

I gave up, then gave in
Still, you’re unhappy with what
We’ve become
I gave you everything
Only to end this with nothing
Yet I’m the asshole
What it means to be a man
I’m the one who should wear
The villainous mask because it fits
I’m sorry I guess
For what I don’t know
Maybe by now, I should
But I held on too long to nothing
To really know at this point
Tomorrow is a new day
And I’m sure you will find a way to ruin it for me
Love is nothing more than emotions
I wish I had never felt before

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