Broken Thoughts…

The chambers of the heart
Keep pumping blood
Even if there is no will to go on
Patience but for what
A long waiting game for nothing at all
I carved one out
Only to give one up
Nothing feels natural anymore
A made up act
I call love
Doesn’t matter anymore where it comes from
If only my thoughts could match my actions

Stuck between times there is no outlet for my crimes…

Sat around today
Doesn’t mean anything
Thought I would share
My inner thoughts
Going through hell
Marching past the gates
Lakes of fire burning bodies made of shit
They are heard but with no real thought
Doesn’t rhyme at the end I don’t care
The Jesus freaks sing their hymns to me
As though it might help
The blood cascades down the wall
You know you are home
When everything is comfortable
Bones line the edges of the room
You know you are home
When everything is fine
Skin drapes the furniture
You know you are home
When everything is normal

It all seems so useless to struggle for…

Where ever, what ever the sun touches
A kingdom lost to you
A level never reach except for a few
Where ever, what ever makes them special
It wasn’t destined for you
Acceptance is the first step to something
Where ever, what ever the sun touches
A world taken from you
A step never reached except for a few
Where ever, what ever makes them happy
It wasn’t destined for you
Acceptance is the first step to something
Where ever, what ever the sun touches
Never belonged to them in the first place
Break the cycle or accept it for what it is
Where ever, what ever is up to you
The secret stolen from so many

Broken Thoughts

The theme for this week is greed… truly broken thoughts… always wanting more… more of something… more food… more money.. more sex… more pain… greed doesn’t go away with more… too much of a good thing is never enough…  considered one of the seven deadly sins… Greed is hard to escape on a day to day basis… who doesn’t want more?… what defines more?… at what point should we cut ourselves off from more?… I know I could always use more… more sleep usually… more of anything at this point… turns out I am human after all… was holding out for different… but I’ll settle for human… 

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Broken Thoughts…

My hands are callus and soaked in blood
Quitting isn’t what it used to be
Walking away isn’t a train of thought
It’s an action that weighs more than itself
The words so heavy
They don’t come out right
Nothing comes out right anymore
Each thought is loaded with regret
Forced out by a will to keep going
God I fucking hate every God damn thing
Does that make sense or are we only confused
If I could I would but I couldn’t so I didn’t
Have too much responsibility now
Makes more sense if you know
I care more than I pretend to let on

Smile and act natural…

“The one with the Indian on it.”

“I think they prefer Native American.”

“I think they’d prefer if we gave them their land back. But in the meantime, the one with the cartoon Indian will do just fine.”

The lights all burned out…

Chasing our demons step by step
But how long do we keep doing this
To the end, to an end
A line has been drawn long before
Not another step to take and yet
See plenty of space to keep on going
Is this the end or only the begin of something
That couldn’t possibly be understood?
Gave more of myself then I’d like to admit
So I won’t and you’ll think I don’t give a shit
Because I don’t even when I do
Wanted more, wanted less, all I want is what I got
A feeling that can’t last forever but I’ll keep searching
So here’s to you, here’s to me, here’s to fucking everything
Resting in my head and what we can see through closed eyes

A fractured reality of what I have to deal with every day… stretched out over years… you think that I’m not listening… you believe me when I say that I am not… but really I’m taking it all in… absorbing every useless thought… stabbing myself with the idea that I am better than you… I’m more you than you will ever be me…  I’m nothing more than what time forgot… lurking in the shadows… standing next to you at every turn… don’t look because I’m staring… smile because I know I will… “Is there anything I can help you find?”… 

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Broken Thoughts… Without Me…

I gave it all up for this?
These feelings don’t subside
These feelings grow deeper
Slip into the cracks of my broken heart
Give it another year
Give me a whole lifetime
Waste it once again
If I could do it over
So unsure if I would
Life gets easier with time
Because the will to live
Goes with it
Gave up my soul for something I don’t know
Want It back but I’m so unsure

.Worth barely more than worthless…

At this point, it might just be best to die
A world without me may be the best
Thing for you
Not going to stop until it’s all destroyed
I’ve got some shit to say
You bring out the best in me
Only reason you’re still breathing
You bring out the motivation in me
Only reason you’re still living

Turning all the lies into regret…

I can feel your eyes
Yet you’re not here
Feel your fingers tightening
Around my throat and I’m
Starting to, to think this is all okay
I’m starting to think I never had a say
Starting to believe all is not well
I could go on but by now
The point should be more than clear
Each breath you take is a knife
Every thought a bullet hole
Ripping through my body
Shatter, broken, set my body on fire
Leave me to die already
Can’t commit to something so sinister
Torture so much more humane
Sadistic and satisfying
My breathing becomes shallow
Your smile from ear to ear
If only, if only the world would disappear
My displeasure could go too
Still alive, has to be a reason
So fuck it, let it go
Before you kill me
Drown me in this world

Broken Thoughts

This weeks theme was work and society… society and work?… working on society?… working on myself in the realm of society?… I’m going to have to sit and think about this for a while… 

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There wasn’t enough blood in this post…

Broken Thoughts…

What is evolution if not a theory
An unbroken chain of stupidity
Weak ruling the strong
Telling them what’s right and how they’re wrong
My boss is an asshole yet I smile and nod
Who’s the dumb one after all?

A sour thought to think any of this will mean anything…

My thoughts bleed from open wounds
Cracked open holes stripped of innocence
Days gone, disappear with the time I’ve lost
Gave more than I regret to admit
At the time I thought it was worth it
Uneducated by educated ideas of unrealistic expectations
The world could have been made in a day
Lie flat with half a sphere for a top
The point is it doesn’t matter
The lies don’t have to make sense
They only have to work
Stupidity doesn’t care much for truth
The similes are similar in truth
Doesn’t matter shut the fuck up
Going home has never been as easy as before

Who knew I could be so ugly after all…

Lost all religion
Lost everything when you cried
Dragging myself through this hell
No longer recognize what I’ve become
It’s a long road traveled or not
Feel the pain of a thousand worlds
Carry with me every word ever said
Brain won’t shut up
Movies playing in my head
Everything that could have been
Memories of you faded in the background
How I wish I could
Change any of this
Once spoken, said forever
Only one way to end it all
Only one word that means anything

Broken Thoughts

If I could go back… I do it all again… same way as before… because no matter what happens… I’ll always be me…

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Something Different…

Not Much Left To Say

Dress all in black to match my shadow
Fit into my skin, stretched out and hollow
Wash away my sins
When there’s no way left to win
Bleeding myself dry to exist
So tired of throwing the same old fit
Most days wish I did not exist
Suicide is pointless when no one gives a shit
The world works so unlike the mind
Lost in time, stuck in place
Who I am, Who I want to be
Sell my soul, nothing left to sell though
The devil makes deals than God must as well
No one, nothing safe from sin and corruption
Sex sells, cheaply given away, cast aside
Question everything ever presented to me
What am I worth if I’ve felt worthless along
Attacking my own mind, my own worst enemy
Hidden behind my eyes
Poisoning my own self to feel like the rest
Who needs a shepherd when we have ourselves
Conforming but don’t know what for
Too much shit on my mind and none of it matters at this time
Sixteen days, sixteen years what’s the difference
When it all slips away
I feel so naked without a place to go
Life in boxes, moving pictures with poor resolution
I wanted so much now there is so much left that I do not want
Contradictions become constricting
Venomous snake wrapped around my neck
The noose is alive and well as I begin to sweat
Sticky, sweet flesh of flesh
Bone to bone, I don’t think I have much left to lose
If I gave you enough reasons
Would all of this make any sense
Lost in the words
Lost in time
Space is an abstract thought
We all have to rationalize
This land is your land
Until I take it back
A worthless idea
Propagated by the demand
For something free

I know that it is Thursday… I know I’m supposed to talk out of my ass about some topic I barely understand or relate too… But I haven’t really been in the mood… sucks because there have been some pretty crazy topics as of late… Like how Facebook knows more about me than my own mother… honestly they might know more about me than I do… feel kind of bad for them… too bad they couldn’t take these broken feeling out of my mind… their recent ads at least tell me they are trying… With a Nailgun and a Few Boards… isn’t a half bad title for a book… haha… I kid… how am I supposed to put the last nail in?… not logical at all… oh well…

Then there are the school walkouts… good for them… wish we would have been smart enough to do that sooner… this next generation is something else… agree or disagree with their reasons… you have to admit… it takes a lot to make a stand… is there anything more American?… besides suppression?…

Teachers asking for more money… they deserve it… anyone willing to make our lives better… deserves more money… at least some food stamps… or free housing… something… I mean I am willing to do just about anything… but teach children?… maybe in hell… well my dark thoughts just washed away… life is good.. keep smiling… and give them some more damn money… 

Been going through a lot… that’s all that needs to be said about that really… I mean I’ve been busy trying to drown myself in my own tears… so far it hasn’t worked… fingers crossed… trying to cover the spectrum of life right now… not really sure when I will be getting myself out of this bathtub… What did you think I was using a glass to collect my tears?… I really need to get out of the house… or at least the bathroom… 

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Something Different… More Of The Same…

Breakdown

Working towards something
Pushing myself to the edge
The brink of everything that’s real
The point at which I am dead
Keeps digging, the mind wants more
Keep reliving, the memories I deserve
Stains on broken glass
Visions left without words
Bring to life everything that I fear
Bring the innocent to their knees
Beg for forgiveness though no reason why
I belong to everything, now that is a lie
Working the words into something
Something ugly, the way that I feel
I’m sure by now you can tell
I don’t care about you and how you feel
Not that it matters when we feel the same
As we breakdown into nothing
The dust we can’t stop breathing in
The past no one ever gave a fuck about

Do you think if I provided razorblades with each book sold… people would get that it is a joke?… I… of all people… was tasked with finding a way to boost sales… Because I’m full of amazing ideas… Don’t worry… apparently razorblades are too expensive… so they turned me down… sharpen the pages maybe?… a thousand tiny paper cuts with every thought…

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Told me to shut up… and just provide the damn links… guess who is no longer on the boost sales committee?… who said depression wasn’t good for anything?… they also asked me to tell you… that I am fine… but is anyone ever really fine?… I’d love to met that person… I’m sure we could have a real good time…

Amazon

Sympathetic to Your Needs…

“Am I being recorded?”
“I hope you don’t mind. It is for journalistic purposes. Try to not let it affect you or your responses. Best to think of it not being there.”
“Okay.”
“So you wanted to tell me something about where you work and how it pertains to my story?”
“You won’t publish my name right?”

“Click,” I insert another tape.

“From my perspective, I don’t see why racism in America is even happening. I mean at what point do we move past it and grow as people?”
“I’m not too sure. That is why I am working on this piece. I want to find out what real Americans think about racism.”
“How many real Americans have you interviewed so far?”
“Quite a few. All walks of life, but I want to hear your side of the issue.”

“Click,” I insert another tape.

“I have been doing this a number of years.”
“Seems like it can be difficult talking to people. I’m not sure I could do such a thing.”
“It can be at times. The hardest part is staying objective to the subject at hand. Often find that there is way too much excessive talking. It becomes a distraction.”
“What is that?”
“Oh, this? This is nothing.”

“Click,” I insert another tape.

“Are you even a real reporter?”
“Of course I am.”
The sound of weeping. “Why are you doing this?”

“Click,” I insert another tape.

“You shot her in the fucking face. You sick fuck.”
The sound of rustling. “Just wait and see what I do to you.”
The sound of choking, sounds of a struggle. A faint whisper,” Please… help…”

“Click,” I eject the tape. “How many are there?” I ask. “How many what? Tapes or victims?” My partner asks. “Either,” I say as I put my cigarette out. I leave it resting in the ashes. Burying it with the others. “Hundreds of tapes, but we are still unsure of the number of victims. Been doing this for years. Some of the tapes are legitimate interviews as you heard. Others are as close to being there as you can get. I mean let your imagination run wild.” He stares at me as I light another one. I offer him one from the pack and he declines. “It makes you wonder why? Even after all these years on the force. Still left with the same question,” I reach for another tape. “The answer isn’t there or in any of these tapes,” my partner assures me. “No, but there are facts and facts lead to answers.”

“Do you think that this will make me famous?”
“It has been my experience that anything can bring you attention. But not all attention is good attention. To answer your question though. In this case, it might.” The sound of a power drill coming to life and screams washes over the recording.

M.T. Billings

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Something Different…

Laughing In the Face of Darkness

There is a story I’m always trying to tell
It doesn’t have a beginning, middle, but it does have an end
It is long, some might say endless
A story I can never seem to get straight
Give it all I got, in the end, it never makes any sense
Wish you could see my thoughts as they see me
My hopes and dream is that maybe one day
You can feel what it is like to be me
Bleed thoughts onto the page, inhale words to live another day
If only it was all for something
Wonder if I would have more to say
Living life in reverse is no way to live
Search for the middle without anywhere to begin
Another day wasted, I’m wasting away
How much more of this shit am I willing to take
Standing still, standing right here as I always have
Had no other options so what choice did I have
Feel as though I have said this all before
All those times before

You’d think after two hundred of these things… I would have something to just cut and paste… or copy and paste if you’re nasty… or if you are like me… too lazy to hit backspace… feeling at odds with myself… not lost… not standing in place… only going with the random thoughts in my head… This post didn’t end where I thought it would… satisfied none the less… turning the lights on and off… haunted with the madness coursing through my veins… sometimes it works… and sometimes it doesn’t… I guess that’s the point of going off the deep in… 

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Broken Thoughts…

Another shitty night bleeds into another subconscious day
Locked into nothing at all, fight to stay awake
Breaking bones to stay in the game with no goal
If only I had known the rules might not have tried at all
Gave it away for nothing at all, Giving it away
A cause and effect of a generation gone by
The words change but they always mean the same thing
Killing the weak to prove I’m strong for no reason at all
Another shitty week produces yet another worthless year
Feel the time pass without doing anything in between the seconds
Fighting with myself, against myself for reasons unknown
The rules were etched in stone, lost to time
Dictating how we live or not at all
The words make no sense but always mean the same thing

Sacrificing myself to an unholy satisfaction…

Not cold enough to snow, cold enough to realize I could die
Think it is forever, life is a shortest amount of time
Lasting forever is an immortal thought left to the damned
Heaven is a lost idea of freedom, heaven is nothing more than a tool
Conditions will not improve until we improve them
Always waiting for someone, someone to fix the problem
Our own salvation lost in the lazy complications we create
Bleed for your freedom, stop believing in imaginary things
Die for the things you want, do you still want them after the threat
The threat of losing it all was it worth it for nothing at all
Heaven is a place on earth, hell sowed right beside it
Choices are made with or without your consent
Decide which side you stand on
A widening gap for us to fall in

Give in is to die but I’ve been dead for so long…

Teeth pressed against the steel
Grinding away, layer by layer 
Until there is nothing left
But the images of the monsters
Inside your head
Heaven sent you
The devil accepted the invitation 
Of what you’ve always been
Marching in on bloody knees
Begging and pleading
If only there was something more
If only this wasn’t how it was
Might have marched farther 
Than from there to here
Then again how could one ever know

Broken Thoughts

Thought about it deeply… but then again… I don’t spend much time thinking about anything… Not long enough at least… could spend more time… thinking about the things that make me… me… teeth against the steel… knees bleeding… and I thought… maybe then I’d know… that all this sacrifice was for something more… What is it we thinking about when we think about nothing at all?…

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