Broken Thoughts

It’s been a minute…

Gave up more than I’m willing to admit
Pushed it away like it meant nothing
Lied to myself and wonder why I’m so fucked up
Liar, cheat, piece of shit
My anxiety starts right here with me
Gave away more of me then I’d like to admit
God can judge me and the devil can have me
Already knew I belonged to a worthless existence
Wish it wasn’t so easy to feel like this
Gave up so much already
How much more am I willing to give
After it is all said and done

Breaking up the moments of everyday life…

16 hours ago who knows where I was
But 16 hours from now I know exactly where I’ll be
Stuck here thinking about you again
Rotting brain but somehow it all seems okay
Even if the thoughts of murder, suicide, experimentation
Are deemed mildly insane
32 hours spent drowning you in your own blood
Was well worth the lack of sleep
Prison sentence, maybe not, maybe I never left
Always been locked inside my head
Sure it bothers you in some way
Completely normal
Doubt I’d ever do it, never know until you push
Not everything we think, we say
Can be normal in every way

The bitching becomes routine and only you know why…

Picking up the pieces that are left of my life
I’m not sure how much of it can be put back in place
Spent too long thinking there was no end in sight
Neglected everything around me
My friends, my family, everything but myself
Selfishness, who I am, who I’ve always been
Excuses I tell myself to justify my actions
Unforgiving and out of touch
The pieces slip through my hands
Trail of blood, a trail of pain, a stream of consciousness
All the little fears I tell myself to get by
Smash my head into place

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Something Different…

With Me

I can see every last thought you’d ever think
I live in your dreams though you call them nightmares
My thoughts are with you day and night
My blood moves you as though if to fight
Tomorrow a new day dawns
Yet another day for you and I
Teetering on the edge
How much control do you think you really command?
Let me out and I shall show you how to live
Let me go and I’ll erase everything you know
I am you and you are me
We say we are different
A lie we must believe
A lie which controls us through space and time
I can see your every thought
I live with you even if you have moved on
Death is but an idea
Withheld from the weak
There is no tomorrow
When you are with me

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Broken Thoughts…

Dismembered, disemboweled
There may be something I have to figure out
Bleeding for a while now
How long can I live
After I’ve bled it all out
If the heart keeps ticking
Does the mind just shut it out
I feel as if the thoughts
Contradicted the actions that I’m feeling

It haunts rather than drives me…

Planes falling from the skies
I wish I didn’t have to believe all your lies
The drugs haven’t kicked in
The shock of it all is more than set
Wondering how much this is going to hurt
When it sets in, set into the ground
Praying for something more than the truth
If this is the end than let it end
These past few years have been
More than I ever care to stand
An eternity like this might as well be hell
At this point heaven can go fuck itself
How long does it take to hit the ground
A whole lot longer than it does to take off

How come all I ever wish for is to be dead?…

Starving for a moment
Waiting for my time in the sun
Like every other sad fuck that I know
Working hard to do nothing at all
Society will fuck you with no reason why
Sleeping with my eyes open
Hoping for a moment that won’t come true
Something for nothing would be fantastic
Do I deserve this at all
Does anyone deserve anything
Meant to die, still holding on
I can’t remember the lines or how they go
Something along the line will bring them out of me
A process in the moment of clarity
Too busy getting fucked to take advantage of such things
My life in a spiral, rich or dead, both or nothing
Destined for great things

Broken Thoughts

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Broken Thoughts…

Beaten up and broken boned
I’ve become the whore that none of us knows

How many times does it take until it hurts
Leaving is a luxury we don’t all have
In the end, we all leave somehow
Breaking the silence of your crimes
A sign of the times, here and now
Destroyed, life still must go on
Even when everything feels dead and gone
Must keep leaving myself behind
Piece by piece, little by little
Become the monster that we all love and adore

Why is she digging around in my insides?…

List to get what I want

  1. Self-sacrifice
  2. Destroy all contact
  3. Become self-aware asshole
  4. Isolate myself from myself
  5. Have talent
  6. Become co-dependent on substance

Why won’t they stop taking everything?…

It’s desperate times, but your desperate measures
Are not working out
It’s a desperate time full of all things to come
Bringing down all those around you
Desperation seems to be the word of the day
How I feel and all I have to say
Can’t say I don’t enjoy this at least a little bit
Down to my level, drowning in shit
As if we cared about anything other than ourselves
Selfish ideas manifest beyond selfishness
I once cared now I’m not sure anymore
My notes on the incident guide me through the darkness
Big bang it was once called, a theory
No one knows anything that happens to us
If we mattered don’t you think that there would be answers
The good book, made up of stories to explain the time
God is nothing more than the voice in your head
God is not what you think it is
God is, God is the reason we must go on

Broken Thoughts

My mind is stuck in this weird place… stuck staring at lines… saying fuck it and moving on… my head is in this place… a place between… doing something… and doing nothing at all… throwing shit against the wall… just because I hate it all… who the fuck do I think I am?… worthless at the moment… a thousand fucking degrees… sweating out the thoughts that no one cares about at all… my head hurts and I don’t care… slamming it into the desk… seems to be the only thing I can do anymore… 

Having a great day… 

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Broken Thoughts…

I wrote the novel
Now I just have to write the story
If you stop to think about it
I know you’d never do it
The meaning loses effort
As soon as we stop to realize
What it means

Something starting to smell real weird… should have buried the bodies…

What am I doing here?
Wasting time in between the lines

I could run but what does that say about me
What do I care about what people think
Human nature, self-conscious, maybe?

Next week seems like the perfect time…

Feel as though I don’t matter
Because I don’t
How long does it take to build trust
Don’t know
Lost in my head with a shitty name
Lost in thought but who could tell
Working out the problems is taking too long
Saving up for nothing, can I ask a favor
If I give you the lighter fluid
Do you think that you could provide the light
Didn’t think so but that’s okay
Seems as though the only ones prepared
Is the enemy

Broken Thoughts

Multitasking right now… but you didn’t know that… well, you do now… for some reason WordPress wants all my text to be in grey… not that I don’t feel that way at times… but I want the text to be black… annoying… but considering I don’t have to write the script… maintain some shit… or do anything beyond highlight and change it back… I guess I can’t complain… turns out I just did… maybe grey is the way to go today… 

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Let’s Fake An Answer For the Curious..

These Days

The days bleed together
How it is or how it always was?
Questions, answers, sin, justification
The days bleed together
These days stick together
How it is or how I’ve always wanted it to be?
Liar, truth, asshole, cunt
The days seem meaningless
When you are around
Bleeding, blending, living, dying
The days are all there seems to be
The days with only you and me
Then there are the days in between
Haunting nightmares, self destruction
I’m not so depressed when you are around
I’m not myself when we are apart
The words seem to mean more than how I feel
How it is or how it always was?
Questions, answers, sin, justification
These days bleed together
The longer this day goes
The less I seem to have left in me

Success and failure… the mark that we live our lives by… shit on a stick it doesn’t matter… this life… this world isn’t measured in accomplishment… what we do doesn’t matter to the masses… it might only mean something to one person… one among nearly eight billion and counting… could make the difference… we have to be here for one and another… because what the fuck else are we going to do?… 

Sounds fucking crazy… in this together?… who the fuck is there when I’m sad?… no one… think again… I am… others are… sometimes you have to look further than three feet around us… sometimes we aren’t in arms lengths… but we are here… What I mean is… don’t give up… embrace your gifts… embrace your failures… living life is all we got… so you are a fish that can’t climb a tree… oh well… look for the ocean and set yourself free… won’t be easy… but what part of this life ever was?…

Believe me when I say you will fail… believe me when I say there will be set backs… what that means is up to you… it was never up to me or anyone for that matter… embrace the fail… embrace the pain… grow to be better than anyone could ever believe…. will it hurt… yes… will it suck… you best believe… in the darkest hole… the darkest time… the darkest moment… we grow our fucking wings…. So keep swinging…. keep trying… and if I’m wrong… if it doesn’t work out… know that at least you tried… trying is what it is all about… trying is all that we need… prove those unable to even try that they are wrong…. flap those wings and lets ride… 

“Who needs a reason when there is a why.”
Clayton Blackwood, Teeth Like God’s

Broken Thoughts…

Gunshots in the distance
Another life robbed of its innocence
Plagued by those around me
Fear that maybe were too similar
For existence
Said you’d exist but did we ever
Bleeding thoughts from your mind
Symptoms so familiar
As if I read it off the back of a piece of paper

Stuck somewhere in between here and there…

Think you know what’s wrong with everyday
Breaking down the thoughts to prove how wrong
I like your ideas, so smart of you
So sad just how sad all of this makes us
Like sawing off a limb for no reason at all
Sure we have our reasons but do we?
Time has taught us so much about nothing at all
Where to be when we aren’t needed
Where in the day we’ve started staring at the floor
Who could have known time would have ever been
So important to what we know

Keeping an eye out for so much more… 

Do onto others as they do to you
Only works if you are doing the right thing
But who is right? When we are all wrong?
Think you own me, have no idea what that entails
Are you really ready to take control?
Didn’t think so, so go ahead and let go
Let me know when you’re ready to destroy
Tell me when you know
How horrible it is to grow old
Desolate, destination unknown
Feel your hands gripping my soul
So go ahead and let go
Let it all go…
Carbon copy of those around you
You’re rebelling against what you don’t even know
So different yet all the same
Fit into something…
Hydra with so many heads
The masters never intended for any of this
To survive
Nothing has ever been built to last…

Broken Thoughts

Would seem that these thoughts fall into the political realm… oddly they were written about my job… so not quite as epic in scope… but if you put your life under the microscope you may find that the things happening on a world scale… are also happening right there in front of you… the consequences aren’t as dire as a nuclear blast… but that doesn’t mean it can’t hurt as much as one… think about it… pain is subjective to how you feel… not what someone else can take… we like to compare someone else’s pain to our own… they aren’t comparable… relatable?… sure… do others have it worse?… always… doesn’t down grade your suffering though… as comforting it may be to think about…

If you want to help others… you have to help yourself first… In New York… and possibly other places… we have this theory… saying… whatever… about people falling on ice… Never catch them… Stop them… Let them fall… it sounds awful… what piece of shit person sees someone falling and does nothing?… But there is a reason… can’t help someone if you both are in need of help… who will help the two of you?…

It is things like that… that makes me miss the cold… the bitter truth of life… the honesty of trying to survive… something lost in translation depending on where you live… Same goes for pain… hurt… suffering… no one knows exactly how you feel… that’s what this line means to me… it is me rationalizing that my bosses aren’t just assholes… though they may be… never rule anything out… but rather they are suffering just like me… a different way… sure… everyone is only trying to survive… I double down on this idea with this line… “Fit into something”… This idea that you are in charge is a false idea… there are so few of us on the planet who are actually in charge of our lives… and it isn’t even the ones that you think… those of us that fit into society… locked into in… lack the necessary means to be in control of our lives…

That is what we trade for structure… we trade fear… suffering for peace of mind… but someone forgot to mention… these things can’t be traded… given away… they evolve like a virus… becoming stronger over nothing… we become plagued by these fear that we thought we left… that we forget the point of life is to live… that winning isn’t the mansion… the fast car… the nice clothes… but breathing another day… an idea that is lost in translation… uncomparable between different parts of the earth… some of us have it easier… but better?… what is better?… 

There are things to get angry about and things to just brush aside… the problem with the world isn’t that we are all wrong… it is that we are not focused… “Hydra with so many heads”… No battle is ever won by throwing everything you have at once… it takes focus… no one can truly understand what is going on by trying to figure it all out at once… 

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And Other Things From This Time…

Emotionally Stressed

I’m so sick of these feelings
This need to please everyone
When I know damn well it’s not good enough
Putting myself out on a daily basis
Backing my ass up and begging for the pain
Gambling on not winning at all
Why can’t everyone see that it’s all useless like me
Maybe they do or maybe they’re just too stupid to let go
Oh, I forgot how immature I can seem
A constant reminder from the ones that have never even spoken to me
Cuts on my fingers make me as dumb as them
Must be in the water we drink and not in the way we think
Bleeding for a chance to say go fuck yourself
There’s nothing here except heartache
And yet here I stay torturing my soul
A shitty romance of blood and bone
I am the source of all my pain
Directly fucking myself day after day
If giving up was so easy then why hasn’t it worked already
I blame my mother for reasons I don’t know…

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Calling Me Home… Calling Me…

If I Only Knew

Panic attacks are the only way I can feel
My own heartbeat as it beats through my chest
I’m so lost I don’t exist anymore
The feelings I once had I don’t have
Anymore
I see myself
Sickening, sickly, sick
I see myself slipping down further than I ever thought
A deep dark hole carved into a home
Locked away in a shadow, through the darkness
In myself I see
Always give myself one more day
This life is the longest day I will ever know
And starting tomorrow I’ll only have to let go
Who I am, who I’ve been, who I will be
My fears are only the will to live
My fears fade away as the day goes on
If it wasn’t for this need
Existence would be an excuse
March to my own grave
If only I had known
This would have been my home

I’m thinking about getting into mumble rap… turns out I have already written several albums worth of material… today actually… what can I say… I am an overachiever… an asshole… and a genius in a genre I never knew I could have been apart of… which is why as of today… as of now… I have decided to retire from my mumble rap career to focus on my poetry and stories… Thank you to all of those who have followed… supported… loved me… through out my career… For those of you who do not know what mumble rap is… I am jealous… envious even… okay I am done being an asshole… haha… just kidding… see you all Wednesday… for Part 24 of the Asshole Chronicles… A Day In The Life… 

Broken Thoughts…

Living out the eulogy, the funeral has been
Happening for years
Knew you were right when I said you weren’t
Known I’ve felt the same, but I didn’t want too
A lie from
Day one, yesterday, today
I don’t know any more
Too late to turn any of this around
A long time coming
Long time spent looking the other way
I love you
Each word stings and it feels like this
Is how it is meant to be

Where is the anger coming from?…

Searching for myself and my lost identity
Who have I become if I don’t know myself
A man born into no sleep, an asshole baptized in fire
Where will life go from here
Where are we now if we are nowhere at all
Trapped between my own prisons
Locked away to figure it all out
But I don’t know anything beyond what I’m told
How am I supposed to know
If even I don’t know
Silenced by the thoughts of wrong and right
Torn between what I want and what I need
Two things that will never be the same
Searching for something that has meaning
Through a life of no importance beyond me and you
A man born into suffering, an asshole left rotting
Inside out and ass backward
Which way is straight away from here
Which direction is anything with no directions at all?

Let’s go back to where this all started…

Digging up the past
Fresh ideas to bury with the rest
Hollowed out bodies, turn to leather
Intersecting midsection, torn apart
Half eaten entrails
Yes, I already know I’m going to hell
Lying upon a heap of burning bodies
There will be no rest for my immortal soul
So, the story goes
I no longer have fears
Dissected, inflicted, sacrificed
God made me and the Devil too
Who should I blame, If I can’t blame you

Broken Thoughts

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