Broken Thoughts… Sitting All Alone…

These feelings come over me
Felt them before and forever more
If they could go away
I wouldn’t even know anymore
These feelings wash over me
Waves crashing on the beach
Waves washing up against our feet
Sweeping our existence out to sea
If there was anything left to take
I wouldn’t even know anymore
These memories taking over me
Felt them all before and how I wish
I could never feel them anymore

This depression is more than an expression of thought…

Took me by the wrist and lead me astray
Down towards the bottom of an endless pit
Sinking deeper with every breath
With every thought locked inside my head
This idea of a feeling speak more for me
Than any words I could try to say
This emptiness that I live in

Do you ever get tired of thinking about dark thoughts?… Nope…

Took what it wanted and disregarded the rest
Sharpening bones against the concrete
Chewing on the glass left behind
Sucking the marrow from the bones
Never ate so good in my life
Not sure it was supposed to feel this good
Destroying myself for the pleasure and not the fun
How do you fight a monster from within?
By embracing it with a hug and a grin…

Broken Thoughts

What to say… what to say… about feelings that won’t go away… not much that hasn’t already been said…

Woke up wanting to write and found myself with nothing to say… Day thirty-four… good news is that I’m not keeping track of such stupid things… What did I wake up wanting to write?… The next chapter in my novel would have been a good start… a short story about anything at all would have done fine too… instead I only came up with more broken-up thoughts… got a whole journal of them filling up for the next volume… not so much as far as short stories to go along with them… I have some ideas of course… I am nor have I ever been short on ideas… patience and commitment on the other hand… and their definitions… not so much…

I know I want to work on a group of short stories with a constant theme about religion and forgiveness… I still have more research to do about either one though… I know that I want to work on a group of short stories with a constant theme about love and creation… More to look up and less to think about… Then there is the short story I have stuck in my head about a writer who can’t think or remember what he said… that one is coming together nicely… though I can’t remember what it is really about…

I’m sure I will find something to work on… I always seem to do…

Book Cover

Something Different… Everything Might Get A Bit Too Heavy…

More Black Cloud Than Anything Else

No more reason to even try
Spirts been sucked right out of
Everything I thought I had to say
A black cloud is swinging by for a visit
Can feel it in my bones and see it on the horizon
None of it never made much sense anyway
Been told there’s no more reason to try
Oh well… bever had much to go on in the first place
Talking out my ass could only go so far
Until it could all go nowhere at all
Pretty good run… if you’re asking me
No one ever is… maybe they should’ve
The storm is raging all around inside my head
End of the world and all that we know
No more reason to even try was what I was told
Spirits been broken from the start
Everything I thought I had to say
Was only something I heard before
Wasn’t much of anything anyway
My greatest enemy has always been myself
Takes the form of a black cloud I can’t put back
My spirit animal is me killing myself in my sleep
Can’t think of another way to explain these dreams
Feel as though there’s no more reason to even try
Never was much of a leader in the first place
Talking out my ass was my only gift in all of this
At the end of the line and I can see it now
Where I was heading was only where I’ve been
Wasting time denying what I already know
What I have been telling myself all along
There never was a reason to try in the first place
Pessimistic maybe… but looking down… looking in
I’m more black cloud than I ever was me to begin with
It’s all so hollow and empty… a storm passing through
With the best regards do what you want
Knowingly knowing that there isn’t
That there never was any reason to even try

Right Where We Are and Somewhere In Between

Pulling out my hair strand by strand
Make a wish I knew this wasn’t it
Living down under a bridge couldn’t be for everyone
Getting crowded in this field of dreams
Trying to fit in… trying to find my place within
Right where we are and somewhere in between
Generational wealth isn’t at all what it used to be
Drugs was never the answer, but they could at least feel
Blank stares and some confusion this lost circus
Been set to drift at sea… no use looking back now
There never was anything beyond the horizon though
Only more land with the same old shit we drag along
Always running away for the things that make us human
Finding a solution is never the most correct assumption
Frowny face… OMG… I just can’t even… could you imagine?
Chain smoking along as we go so far from home
Tails tucked between our legs until they are no more
Little bloody stumps skipping across the water
More to the left until we reach all the way to the right
We’ve come to conquer what’s already been won
Can I find the tutorial online?
Trying and failing was never really my thing
Too many mouths to feed
Do you know what I mean?
Consuming more than I can afford
Histories repeating and I just can’t even
The shits piling up and we’re doing the vest we can
Where does this shit ever end?
Histories repeating and I just seriously can’t even
Right where we are and somewhere in between

Red, blue, green it doesn’t matter
They all want the same thing
Red, blue, green it doesn’t matter
They all keep saying the same damn things
Red, blue, and green it doesn’t matter
We’re all just as fucked as the rest of us
Histories are repeating and I just can’t
Keep on moving without a solution
Just about ass-to-ankles and this line isn’t moving
Histories repeating and we just can’t even
Strap a rocket to our asses and get on out of here

Pulling out my hair strand by strand
Doesn’t matter none of this makes sense to me
Living to feed an economy that doesn’t represent
Too many of me to work out for everyone
Fascism may have had a point… shut the fucking door
There has to be a better solution we haven’t tried before
Are you out of your mind?… Not even human anymore
No longer fitting into this evolving ecosystem
Generational knowledge isn’t what it used to be
Synthetic was never the answer… not seeing any other way
Stuck in this circus that’s been set out to drift
There was never any hope we’d make it beyond the stars
Only more planets with same old problems to drag along
Ignoring all the things that make us human
Finding a solution could never be the correct way to think
Frowny face… OMG… I just couldn’t even… could you imagine
Little bloody stumps cruising toward oblivion
Moving up and up until we’ve reached the bottom again
We’ve finally come to understand
What it really means to win
Starting over once again with a little less
Then what we had to begin with
Too many mouths to feed
Do you know what I mean?
Consuming more than we could produce
Histories repeating and I just can’t even
The shits piling up and we tried the best we could
Histories repeating and I just seriously can’t even
Right where we are and somewhere in between
Where does all this shit really end?
Not with a little whimper… but another big bang
Been here once before and look how we are back again
Red, blue, green, me, you, and everyone else too
It doesn’t matter
We’ve all wanted the same thing

Something Different…

Poems today… that is something different… themes and structure?… not a real big fan of either… but I can’t seem to escape these thoughts floating around in my head… depression feels like a black cloud from time to time… not really a hard stretch of a theme floating around here… neither is the fact that society is always falling apart… Histories repeating… I just can’t even… first draft was about how burnt out I was with the news… with the media… with us… the world… myself… everyone ever… OMG… could you imagine?… I’m not sure it even matters anymore… we aren’t going anywhere any time soon… second draft thoughts… we’ll see where the next draft takes me… oblivion and beyond I imagine… more on the theme though while it is on my mind… unfiltered of course…

I have many controversial thoughts… cancellable if you will… burn me at the stake kind of thoughts… the kind of thoughts that could end a career real quick if anyone ever found out… Can you keep a secret?… Good… People like secrets… this much I know is true… the most controversial of my thought though has to be… that people need to read more… coming in a strong second on my list of devilish thoughts?… people need to listen to what other people have to say… I know… and I will walk myself to the gallows… and I will await the stones you deserve to throw… the heavier the better if you would please… Because communication is for people who want to make a change… I just want to scream… like everyone else… but I can’t… so I read… and I listen… and what I keep finding is that… histories are repeating… bigger… smaller… better… worse… it’s the same old shit… I just can’t even…

Let’s pick a problem… doesn’t matter which one… abortions… gun control… racism… HOA fees… whatever it is… I guarantee we’ve been bitching about it for a century or two or forever and yet… we think we can take this shit to the moon and beyond?… we think we could go someplace else… some place better… and solve these unsolvable solutions with some place better than where we already are?… I just can’t even… understand how we’ve gotten this far… because if we really stop… look around… we haven’t really gotten that far to begin with… we haven’t fixed anything from our days in caves… we’ve only packed up our shit and moved it so far to the left that we are back to the right again… we can believe we are so much better than those people in caves all we’d like… but they are us and we are them…

Problems are important… HOA fees especially… solutions too… couldn’t even begin to think of one… but histories going to keep on repeating… that’s where I am at so far in my thesis… I don’t have any more solutions than the rest of you… so I’ll keep reading and I’ll keep listening I guess… I never was much of a leader anyway… More Black Cloud Than Anything Else… frowny face… OMG… themes and structures?… could you imagine?…

Book Cover… Stories… Poems…

Broken Thoughts… With Windburned Skin…

Taking longer than I thought
Death doesn’t come as swiftly
As they said it would
Locked away it is no wonder
No one and nothing comes knocking
Wish I had done more
With all this time that I had
Taking in feelings of regret by looking around
Must be a kind gift handed down from above
God must not exist outside of my head
But what they’ve done is more than enough

A distance from here to there comes back around again…

When I can I know I’ll escape
Been waiting a while now
For the right time to say
Fuck it all, overtly loud and very clear
Taking on feelings of remorse
Must be some kind of gift left laying around
God must have never existed in my head
A myth I tell people to hear their plans
Either way they’ve done some pretty fucked up things

The parts I can’t explain are the parts you don’t know…

The words are sinking into a thought
The meaning of which doesn’t come as swift
Not like I imagined it would
Locked away it is no wonder
No one and nothing understands what I’ve said
Wish I had more to explain
With all this time I had to waste
Taking on feelings of repentance or is it shame?
Either way it has to be some kind of gift
Or this God inside my head
Would have ended this suffering already
At least that’s what they said

Broken Thoughts

Broken Thoughts… Could Be The One That Saves Me…

Time is going by so slow
Looks so familiar not the same as before
Waiting for a plan to come to an end
Taking so much longer than I thought
Lost in this place between the space
Wallowing in your wake
Wondering how much of this
We were meant to take
A desperation that turns to despair
Questioning reality until I no longer care

The feelings will pass.. the problems will persist…

A beautiful darkness
Hurt feelings
No repair
This has dragged on
Long enough
Too afraid to say
Raised in your image
But not the same
Set standards
Of beliefs
Not the same
In any other way
Too afraid to say
The wrong thing
Held hostage
By your generosity
No longer a gift
A burden I must carry
From the cradle
To the grave
Not much has changed
Nothing is meant
To stay the same
Stuck in the past
How it was
Not how it actually is
Left behind
When I wasn’t there
Didn’t see it then
But I get it now

Never was what I thought I was… Me of course… and no one else…

Thought maybe we could agree on something
Knew I was wrong from the start
Some people only want to watch
Thought maybe you’d have changed
Knew I was wrong from the start
Some people are only just selfish enough
To understand that they exist at all

Broken Thoughts

Truth among lies… I’ve been busy… living I guess… working on new ideas… maybe… digging a hole in the back yard… for a new Zen garden and not for any other sordid reasons… home improvement… I’m very unsure… Not really sure of much as of late… know that I need to get more work done… know that I need to manifest time in some capacity… know that my dreams are bigger than my ambitions… so not much has changed… in all the years I have spent chasing something that isn’t there… Looking forward to many more years amongst the truth among lies… In case you were worried… read too deeply into the words… or have no idea what you’ve stumbled upon…

Broken Thoughts Vol. 4: Best Left Unsaid… 2023

Broken Thoughts… I Need You To Guide Me There…

When the lord comes calling
Where will you stand amongst the rest?
On bended knees or somewhere else
Will you be shouting to the heavens
Or calling out to the great below?
A fire may rain down upon the world
A voice may call out amongst the filth
The sound of your echo spreads across the land
The Lord Jesus Christ
The Lord Lucifer
Whom have you given your life
When the lord comes calling know they will ask
Where will you rest among the dead?
Upon bended knees or somewhere else?
Just how you’ve always imagined all along

Willing to do whatever it takes… except with it takes…

Waiting for no reason at all
Listening to sad songs time forgot
No energy for anything else
Looking for the purpose to not feel
How I always seem to feel
That nothing but the end means anything
Head smashing against the concrete
Still feel the same. Negative and out of place
Cheering myself on to find the end
Rather than my place in all of this
Blood resting on the concrete
No more will to punish myself any further
Wanted more than this feeling locked in me
Up hill battle fought from within
There’s no winning if I just give in

A crow with flames for wings wants me dead… at least that’s what it said…

To the end of time
We will march and kill
March and kill
We will march and kill
March and kill
Not how I want it
Only how it is
It seems all we know
Is how to march and kill
March and kill
We will march and kill
March and kill

Broken Thoughts

It is a day like any else… a day like the last… and a day that we have yet to live… It was a day… and today is that day…

Broken Thoughts… I Want To See The Sun…

Nothing can end the way it began
Nothing can begin the way that it ends
Endless servitude to an invisible hand
A life built on fate that doesn’t exist
Quiet voices guiding my way through destiny
Conflicting ideals running through my head
If it is than it isn’t
If it isn’t then it must be
So above as it is below
So it is but I don’t know
So below as above
A sad sung from long ago
Stories told forward and in reverse
Words stuck and lost in time
Let’s go bowling and pretend we aren’t dead
Back bone broken

Giving up on myself… was much easier than I thought…

Feeling dizzy inside my head
Can’t remember what’s already been said
Nothing of great importance I’m sure
Just more shit to slap against the wall
Sticks long enough I guess we can use it
Those are the rules or how I remember them
Like how forks belong to light sockets and
That there’s never a rainbow without a pot of gold
Feeling dizzy in my head all over again
Can’t remember what’s already been said
Nothing of great remembrance I’m sure
Regurgitate enough bullshit and a point is found
Say it enough times I guess we can use it
Those are the rules or how you remember them
Like how we belong to a society and
That this is supposed to mean something
Feeling dizzy inside my head
Can’t remember what’s already been said
Because they never seem to actually shut the fuck up
Long enough to see what it really is that we’ve found

A dream I can no longer survive…

Told you before… this would end poorly
Me at the end… of a rope…
I’m at the end of my noose
The one around my throat
The one you’ve been dragging me by
Wanted something better
All you deserved was me
A haunting vision of everything you can’t stand
Told you before… this would end deceitfully
Me at the end… holding the blade…
I’m cutting these ties that bind
Tethered to none of this anymore
Fuck off and farewell
Wanted something better
Everyone like you deserves to drown
In the tears and sweat of those you’ve wronged
The damned will inherit the earth
A grave is nothing more than a place to rest
Told you before… this would come to an end
Me at the end… standing over your grave
Someone had to put this twisted cycle to rest

Broken Thoughts

Hey did you know working sucks?… Well you do now… but it’s still better than doing nothing at all I guess… Any way who really cares?… I do… Let me know what you do to pass the time in the comments… best occupation might be included in a short story someday… You’d be surprised by what a lot of us do to pass the time…  For instance… If you haven’t read Teething On Concrete… I work in a grocery store… and if you haven’t read Teething On Concrete or didn’t pick up on my deliberate title choice… I LOVE IT… With all my heart… Every minute there is nothing short of paradise…

That’s not really fair though… because if you have read Teething On Concrete… you’d know the title has nothing to do with work… If you haven’t checked out Teething On Concrete… It is a pretty solid mix of poems and short stories about life… It is a flip on the format of the Broken Thoughts Volumes… trading out Broken Thoughts for full length poems and concrete ideas… It also has a running narrative that isn’t based around horror… I mean there are some horrific things in there… but it’s not my fault life can be horrific at times… Still not convinced?…  The first ten copies will be on sale this week… (Kindle Version)

Fun Broken Fact… I took this cover photo at work…

: )

With all of my heart…

Broken Thoughts… With Beds Under Bridges…

No one will ever find the bodies… I hope
I made sure of it this time… I believe
All you really need to know to move on
Is that I’m no longer hunger… satisfied at best
Not like before or maybe ever again
And it wasn’t three it was only the two
Important information when they come asking
Details they say will always do you in
Facts become weapons in the war of lies
Stop smiling… not everything can rhyme
Had to be done I suppose… I’ve been told
Depends on who you’ve been asking
My advice is to not ask me anything
Because I probably don’t agree… honestly
The evidence to the reason is too overwhelming
Something had to be done the voices said
Have been saying in this echo chamber… my head
Sweeping up the ashes of this society
Wasn’t going to be enough and I believe them
This time that is
Not like before or maybe ever again
Did what I had to do to get through
Might be time for you as well to decided
What is and what isn’t… best for you…

I dream… and I no longer know why…

With beds under bridges
Our homes could be anywhere
Constantly moving… perpetually
Endlessly nowhere at all  
Freedom is not where you are
But where your mind has gone
Since you’ve last checked in
Mines gone from here to there
And back again… further than you thought
But not far enough in the scheme of things
Unstuck in time there’s really no place left to go
With beds on wheels they only seem to roll
Downhill… across the soul… but they don’t seem to go
Very far when they run out of fuel… unreliable
It is all very impractical I know… unreasonable
To believe from death to birth we’d ever get far
When life prefers the order of birth to death
The outcome though… I’m afraid… is the same…
Insert some warm thoughts…
Insert all the times we’ve been down…
Life is fun I guess… so long as… it levels out

Always remember God is watching… Got nothing better to do…

Lost and lonely… introverted thoughts
A disease… with no cure
Eating away at my attention
No longer know who to believe
A cycle… of words and lies
Wash away only to come back again
Everything moves in rhythms
While I drown standing still
No longer willing to paddle
Only drifting against my will
Lost and lonely… introverted ideas
A sickness… with no vaccination
Sucking up all my intentions
No longer know what to believe
A sequence… of arguments and reality

Broken Thoughts

No one was asking… and if they were I’d probably still say the same thing… The simplest of things is more complicated than we know… takes longer than we are willing to commit… and isn’t even what we thought it was to begin with…

This is a picture… again no one was asking… and I got tired of waiting…

Everything is a version of itself… from start to finish these things take more steps than a crooked staircase leading to nowhere… the ideas presented here and now… are no more finished then when they started out in my head… Not until they get printed… if they get printed… and even then… even after hours working each word into place… after formatting everything to fit the page… I’ll still be pissed that I never seemed to get it right… Finished or given up?… I can’t tell the difference…

I’ve started a Patron…

Please send all loose change… food scraps… and anything of equal or lesser value to what is found on this website… details in bio…

(Please refrain from sending souls… vials of blood… bodily fluids or anything of the like… The Post Office… Patron… 96.66% of Christians… aren’t into it… Trust me we are equally… if not more… disappointed by this…)

Tune in next week where I will be addressing ellipses and why I use them… It’s going to be riveting…  

Broken Thoughts… That’s Okay…

Silently speaking in volumes
I can no longer stand
Scream if you must
But the words don’t matter
Like before… like now…
Dead feelings always there
Like before… like now…
The feeling won’t go away
Silently speaking in promises
I no longer want to hear
Hit me if you must
But the pain doesn’t matter
Not like before… not like now…
Dead feelings always there
Not like before… not like now…
The feeling won’t go away
Silently speaking in reasons
I can no longer find
Beg if you must
But the words don’t matter
Like before… like now…
Dead feelings always there
Like before… like now…
The feeling won’t go away

Begging and pleading… with teeth on concrete…

Going mad… sitting here doing nothing
Growing mad… all alone…
Spinning in circles…
Just to end up right back here
Spinning and spinning…
Until there is no end…

It only gets darker from here…

Listening to everything I have to say
Sinking feeling a hope for it to go away
If this is the end… I’m not feeling it…
Took too much… more than I should…
Knew listening to my thoughts
Would have only lead me to this
It was only a matter of time
Days… minutes… weeks… hours… years…
Until all this would come to an end
Heard everything everyone ever had to say
Sickening feeling a hope for them to go away
If this is the end… I’m not feeling it…
Took in too much… more than anyone should…

Broken Thoughts

Fighting to find the words… for feelings that I don’t even have… keeping up with a schedule… that doesn’t mean anything to anyone except for me… Is only making this feeling… sink in deeper… Wasting time… one minute… one sentence… one word… at a time…

Broken Thoughts… In All Our Suffering…

A thousand tiny cuts
What it took to live
In these shoes
Shaking in my skin
Fear always seemed to be
All there ever was
In a place like this
A place that doesn’t care
Trapped inside your own mind
Screaming to make it go away
Scream louder it’s all the same
Wanted so much more
Wanted anything else and now
I want nothing at all
A thousand tiny paper cuts
Against my hands
Against my skin
Searching for meaning
Where meaning never existed

Thought maybe this emptiness would fade away…

Told myself it was…
Lied to my own reflection
About how this all must be
Take it all back
Every last cent… every drop of sweat…
Wasn’t worth a second of my time
Wasn’t worth the time I’ll never get back
So, fuck it and take it all
Every drop of blood that
Splashes against the floor
Next to every drop of sweat
How much more do you need
To prove this all wrong?
How much more will it take
Until you are done with me?
What am I worth when I am nothing?

The lost diary of someone who is never coming back…

Doesn’t feel the same as it used to
Time takes its toll on a life left to live
Didn’t know this feeling would follow me
Time has taken all that it needed
If I could have wanted more
I’m not sure it would have mattered
Life doesn’t care about what we want
Doesn’t care about what we need
Life will always take everything
Didn’t know this feeling would follow me
To a grave built over time
To a place I have always known
Doesn’t feel the same as it did before
Time takes its toll on a life left to live
Didn’t know this feeling would follow me
Through until the end… through it all…
Should have known this feeling was born in me

Broken Thoughts

Nothing new to report… just a man… lost in his own thoughts… nothing special resting behind these eyes… just another day… of trying to try… the effort it takes to breath… to do anything… it attaches itself to everything that needs to be done… not worth the effort… if you ask me… not worth the time it takes… to fail any way… the feelings will pass… the problem will always be the same… at least there’s always tomorrow…

Broken Thoughts… Deader Than Dead…

Looking for something deeper
Something that just isn’t there
Working hard at nothing at all
Dreaming a little dream
That just does not exist
Gave in when I should have given up
Couldn’t tell the difference
With my head so far up my own ass
Drank away my thoughts to prove a point
Slept away the times I could have changed
Realizing now we are not our own dreams
Realizing now we are not who we think we are
Realizing now in the middle is not the time
For such realizations about the idea of me
Looking for something deeper
Where there just isn’t anything anymore
Working hard for nothing at all
Dreaming a little dream
That just wasn’t meant to be
Gave up when I should have given in
Couldn’t tell the difference
Even when it was all so clear

I don’t want to die… I just don’t want to live…

Hesitation marks get thicker
Your incompetence is never ending
The lines get closer and closer
Your inability is never ending
I’m not even trying any more
Succeeding with your every breath
I’m not trying to believe it
But you are literarily killing me
If you’re going to be anything
In this life… at least you’re efficient…

We are all raised to believe we are so special…

Stuck and I can’t move on
Words stacking up and then they fall
Drowning in letters amongst it all
Do nothing and I’m fine
Do something and I’m fine
No more joy. No more passion.
Sitting still hoping I’ll be fine
Tossing and turning… I’ll be fine
My skins on fire from the friction
Frustrated that all I want to do is die
Brought myself here by my own will
Can’t seem to find the strength
To drag myself back out of this hell
Do nothing and I’m fine
Do something and I’m fine
Instead I’m dwelling on the fact
That I’ve wasted all my time
Believing everything is going to be fine

Broken Thoughts