These feelings come over me Felt them before and forever more If they could go away I wouldn’t even know anymore These feelings wash over me Waves crashing on the beach Waves washing up against our feet Sweeping our existence out to sea If there was anything left to take I wouldn’t even know anymore These memories taking over me Felt them all before and how I wish I could never feel them anymore
This depression is more than an expression of thought…
Took me by the wrist and lead me astray Down towards the bottom of an endless pit Sinking deeper with every breath With every thought locked inside my head This idea of a feeling speak more for me Than any words I could try to say This emptiness that I live in
Do you ever get tired of thinking about dark thoughts?… Nope…
Took what it wanted and disregarded the rest Sharpening bones against the concrete Chewing on the glass left behind Sucking the marrow from the bones Never ate so good in my life Not sure it was supposed to feel this good Destroying myself for the pleasure and not the fun How do you fight a monster from within? By embracing it with a hug and a grin…
What to say… what to say… about feelings that won’t go away… not much that hasn’t already been said…
Woke up wanting to write and found myself with nothing to say… Day thirty-four… good news is that I’m not keeping track of such stupid things… What did I wake up wanting to write?… The next chapter in my novel would have been a good start… a short story about anything at all would have done fine too… instead I only came up with more broken-up thoughts… got a whole journal of them filling up for the next volume… not so much as far as short stories to go along with them… I have some ideas of course… I am nor have I ever been short on ideas… patience and commitment on the other hand… and their definitions… not so much…
I know I want to work on a group of short stories with a constant theme about religion and forgiveness… I still have more research to do about either one though… I know that I want to work on a group of short stories with a constant theme about love and creation… More to look up and less to think about… Then there is the short story I have stuck in my head about a writer who can’t think or remember what he said… that one is coming together nicely… though I can’t remember what it is really about…
I’m sure I will find something to work on… I always seem to do…
No more reason to even try Spirts been sucked right out of Everything I thought I had to say A black cloud is swinging by for a visit Can feel it in my bones and see it on the horizon None of it never made much sense anyway Been told there’s no more reason to try Oh well… bever had much to go on in the first place Talking out my ass could only go so far Until it could all go nowhere at all Pretty good run… if you’re asking me No one ever is… maybe they should’ve The storm is raging all around inside my head End of the world and all that we know No more reason to even try was what I was told Spirits been broken from the start Everything I thought I had to say Was only something I heard before Wasn’t much of anything anyway My greatest enemy has always been myself Takes the form of a black cloud I can’t put back My spirit animal is me killing myself in my sleep Can’t think of another way to explain these dreams Feel as though there’s no more reason to even try Never was much of a leader in the first place Talking out my ass was my only gift in all of this At the end of the line and I can see it now Where I was heading was only where I’ve been Wasting time denying what I already know What I have been telling myself all along There never was a reason to try in the first place Pessimistic maybe… but looking down… looking in I’m more black cloud than I ever was me to begin with It’s all so hollow and empty… a storm passing through With the best regards do what you want Knowingly knowing that there isn’t That there never was any reason to even try
Right Where We Are and Somewhere In Between
Pulling out my hair strand by strand Make a wish I knew this wasn’t it Living down under a bridge couldn’t be for everyone Getting crowded in this field of dreams Trying to fit in… trying to find my place within Right where we are and somewhere in between Generational wealth isn’t at all what it used to be Drugs was never the answer, but they could at least feel Blank stares and some confusion this lost circus Been set to drift at sea… no use looking back now There never was anything beyond the horizon though Only more land with the same old shit we drag along Always running away for the things that make us human Finding a solution is never the most correct assumption Frowny face… OMG… I just can’t even… could you imagine? Chain smoking along as we go so far from home Tails tucked between our legs until they are no more Little bloody stumps skipping across the water More to the left until we reach all the way to the right We’ve come to conquer what’s already been won Can I find the tutorial online? Trying and failing was never really my thing Too many mouths to feed Do you know what I mean? Consuming more than I can afford Histories repeating and I just can’t even The shits piling up and we’re doing the vest we can Where does this shit ever end? Histories repeating and I just seriously can’t even Right where we are and somewhere in between
Red, blue, green it doesn’t matter They all want the same thing Red, blue, green it doesn’t matter They all keep saying the same damn things Red, blue, and green it doesn’t matter We’re all just as fucked as the rest of us Histories are repeating and I just can’t Keep on moving without a solution Just about ass-to-ankles and this line isn’t moving Histories repeating and we just can’t even Strap a rocket to our asses and get on out of here
Pulling out my hair strand by strand Doesn’t matter none of this makes sense to me Living to feed an economy that doesn’t represent Too many of me to work out for everyone Fascism may have had a point… shut the fucking door There has to be a better solution we haven’t tried before Are you out of your mind?… Not even human anymore No longer fitting into this evolving ecosystem Generational knowledge isn’t what it used to be Synthetic was never the answer… not seeing any other way Stuck in this circus that’s been set out to drift There was never any hope we’d make it beyond the stars Only more planets with same old problems to drag along Ignoring all the things that make us human Finding a solution could never be the correct way to think Frowny face… OMG… I just couldn’t even… could you imagine Little bloody stumps cruising toward oblivion Moving up and up until we’ve reached the bottom again We’ve finally come to understand What it really means to win Starting over once again with a little less Then what we had to begin with Too many mouths to feed Do you know what I mean? Consuming more than we could produce Histories repeating and I just can’t even The shits piling up and we tried the best we could Histories repeating and I just seriously can’t even Right where we are and somewhere in between Where does all this shit really end? Not with a little whimper… but another big bang Been here once before and look how we are back again Red, blue, green, me, you, and everyone else too It doesn’t matter We’ve all wanted the same thing Everything…
Poems today… that is something different… themes and structure?… not a real big fan of either… but I can’t seem to escape these thoughts floating around in my head… depression feels like a black cloud from time to time… not really a hard stretch of a theme floating around here… neither is the fact that society is always falling apart… Histories repeating… I just can’t even… first draft was about how burnt out I was with the news… with the media… with us… the world… myself… everyone ever… OMG… could you imagine?… I’m not sure it even matters anymore… we aren’t going anywhere any time soon… second draft thoughts… we’ll see where the next draft takes me… oblivion and beyond I imagine… more on the theme though while it is on my mind… unfiltered of course…
I have many controversial thoughts… cancellable if you will… burn me at the stake kind of thoughts… the kind of thoughts that could end a career real quick if anyone ever found out… Can you keep a secret?… Good… People like secrets… this much I know is true… the most controversial of my thought though has to be… that people need to read more… coming in a strong second on my list of devilish thoughts?… people need to listen to what other people have to say… I know… and I will walk myself to the gallows… and I will await the stones you deserve to throw… the heavier the better if you would please… Because communication is for people who want to make a change… I just want to scream… like everyone else… but I can’t… so I read… and I listen… and what I keep finding is that… histories are repeating… bigger… smaller… better… worse… it’s the same old shit… I just can’t even…
Let’s pick a problem… doesn’t matter which one… abortions… gun control… racism… HOA fees… whatever it is… I guarantee we’ve been bitching about it for a century or two or forever and yet… we think we can take this shit to the moon and beyond?… we think we could go someplace else… some place better… and solve these unsolvable solutions with some place better than where we already are?… I just can’t even… understand how we’ve gotten this far… because if we really stop… look around… we haven’t really gotten that far to begin with… we haven’t fixed anything from our days in caves… we’ve only packed up our shit and moved it so far to the left that we are back to the right again… we can believe we are so much better than those people in caves all we’d like… but they are us and we are them…
Problems are important… HOA fees especially… solutions too… couldn’t even begin to think of one… but histories going to keep on repeating… that’s where I am at so far in my thesis… I don’t have any more solutions than the rest of you… so I’ll keep reading and I’ll keep listening I guess… I never was much of a leader anyway… More Black Cloud Than Anything Else… frowny face… OMG… themes and structures?… could you imagine?…
Taking longer than I thought Death doesn’t come as swiftly As they said it would Locked away it is no wonder No one and nothing comes knocking Wish I had done more With all this time that I had Taking in feelings of regret by looking around Must be a kind gift handed down from above God must not exist outside of my head But what they’ve done is more than enough
A distance from here to there comes back around again…
When I can I know I’ll escape Been waiting a while now For the right time to say Fuck it all, overtly loud and very clear Taking on feelings of remorse Must be some kind of gift left laying around God must have never existed in my head A myth I tell people to hear their plans Either way they’ve done some pretty fucked up things
The parts I can’t explain are the parts you don’t know…
The words are sinking into a thought The meaning of which doesn’t come as swift Not like I imagined it would Locked away it is no wonder No one and nothing understands what I’ve said Wish I had more to explain With all this time I had to waste Taking on feelings of repentance or is it shame? Either way it has to be some kind of gift Or this God inside my head Would have ended this suffering already At least that’s what they said
Time is going by so slow Looks so familiar not the same as before Waiting for a plan to come to an end Taking so much longer than I thought Lost in this place between the space Wallowing in your wake Wondering how much of this We were meant to take A desperation that turns to despair Questioning reality until I no longer care
The feelings will pass.. the problems will persist…
A beautiful darkness Hurt feelings No repair This has dragged on Long enough Too afraid to say Raised in your image But not the same Set standards Of beliefs Not the same In any other way Too afraid to say The wrong thing Held hostage By your generosity No longer a gift A burden I must carry From the cradle To the grave Not much has changed Nothing is meant To stay the same Stuck in the past How it was Not how it actually is Left behind When I wasn’t there Didn’t see it then But I get it now Unfortunately
Never was what I thought I was… Me of course… and no one else…
Thought maybe we could agree on something Knew I was wrong from the start Some people only want to watch Thought maybe you’d have changed Knew I was wrong from the start Some people are only just selfish enough To understand that they exist at all
Truth among lies… I’ve been busy… living I guess… working on new ideas… maybe… digging a hole in the back yard… for a new Zen garden and not for any other sordid reasons… home improvement… I’m very unsure… Not really sure of much as of late… know that I need to get more work done… know that I need to manifest time in some capacity… know that my dreams are bigger than my ambitions… so not much has changed… in all the years I have spent chasing something that isn’t there… Looking forward to many more years amongst the truth among lies… In case you were worried… read too deeply into the words… or have no idea what you’ve stumbled upon…
When the lord comes calling Where will you stand amongst the rest? On bended knees or somewhere else Will you be shouting to the heavens Or calling out to the great below? A fire may rain down upon the world A voice may call out amongst the filth The sound of your echo spreads across the land The Lord Jesus Christ The Lord Lucifer Whom have you given your life When the lord comes calling know they will ask Where will you rest among the dead? Upon bended knees or somewhere else? Just how you’ve always imagined all along
Willing to do whatever it takes… except with it takes…
Waiting for no reason at all Listening to sad songs time forgot No energy for anything else Looking for the purpose to not feel How I always seem to feel That nothing but the end means anything Head smashing against the concrete Still feel the same. Negative and out of place Cheering myself on to find the end Rather than my place in all of this Blood resting on the concrete No more will to punish myself any further Wanted more than this feeling locked in me Up hill battle fought from within There’s no winning if I just give in
A crow with flames for wings wants me dead… at least that’s what it said…
To the end of time We will march and kill March and kill We will march and kill March and kill Not how I want it Only how it is It seems all we know Is how to march and kill March and kill We will march and kill March and kill
Nothing can end the way it began Nothing can begin the way that it ends Endless servitude to an invisible hand A life built on fate that doesn’t exist Quiet voices guiding my way through destiny Conflicting ideals running through my head If it is than it isn’t If it isn’t then it must be So above as it is below So it is but I don’t know So below as above A sad sung from long ago Stories told forward and in reverse Words stuck and lost in time Let’s go bowling and pretend we aren’t dead Back bone broken
Giving up on myself… was much easier than I thought…
Feeling dizzy inside my head Can’t remember what’s already been said Nothing of great importance I’m sure Just more shit to slap against the wall Sticks long enough I guess we can use it Those are the rules or how I remember them Like how forks belong to light sockets and That there’s never a rainbow without a pot of gold Feeling dizzy in my head all over again Can’t remember what’s already been said Nothing of great remembrance I’m sure Regurgitate enough bullshit and a point is found Say it enough times I guess we can use it Those are the rules or how you remember them Like how we belong to a society and That this is supposed to mean something Feeling dizzy inside my head Can’t remember what’s already been said Because they never seem to actually shut the fuck up Long enough to see what it really is that we’ve found
A dream I can no longer survive…
Told you before… this would end poorly Me at the end… of a rope… I’m at the end of my noose The one around my throat The one you’ve been dragging me by Wanted something better All you deserved was me A haunting vision of everything you can’t stand Told you before… this would end deceitfully Me at the end… holding the blade… I’m cutting these ties that bind Tethered to none of this anymore Fuck off and farewell Wanted something better Everyone like you deserves to drown In the tears and sweat of those you’ve wronged The damned will inherit the earth A grave is nothing more than a place to rest Told you before… this would come to an end Me at the end… standing over your grave Someone had to put this twisted cycle to rest
Hey did you know working sucks?… Well you do now… but it’s still better than doing nothing at all I guess… Any way who really cares?… I do… Let me know what you do to pass the time in the comments… best occupation might be included in a short story someday… You’d be surprised by what a lot of us do to pass the time… For instance… If you haven’t read Teething On Concrete… I work in a grocery store… and if you haven’t read Teething On Concrete or didn’t pick up on my deliberate title choice… I LOVE IT… With all my heart… Every minute there is nothing short of paradise…
That’s not really fair though… because if you have read Teething On Concrete… you’d know the title has nothing to do with work… If you haven’t checked out Teething On Concrete… It is a pretty solid mix of poems and short stories about life… It is a flip on the format of the Broken Thoughts Volumes… trading out Broken Thoughts for full length poems and concrete ideas… It also has a running narrative that isn’t based around horror… I mean there are some horrific things in there… but it’s not my fault life can be horrific at times… Still not convinced?… The first ten copies will be on sale this week… (Kindle Version)
No one will ever find the bodies… I hope I made sure of it this time… I believe All you really need to know to move on Is that I’m no longer hunger… satisfied at best Not like before or maybe ever again And it wasn’t three it was only the two Important information when they come asking Details they say will always do you in Facts become weapons in the war of lies Stop smiling… not everything can rhyme Had to be done I suppose… I’ve been told Depends on who you’ve been asking My advice is to not ask me anything Because I probably don’t agree… honestly The evidence to the reason is too overwhelming Something had to be done the voices said Have been saying in this echo chamber… my head Sweeping up the ashes of this society Wasn’t going to be enough and I believe them This time that is Not like before or maybe ever again Did what I had to do to get through Might be time for you as well to decided What is and what isn’t… best for you…
I dream… and I no longer know why…
With beds under bridges Our homes could be anywhere Constantly moving… perpetually Endlessly nowhere at all Freedom is not where you are But where your mind has gone Since you’ve last checked in Mines gone from here to there And back again… further than you thought But not far enough in the scheme of things Unstuck in time there’s really no place left to go With beds on wheels they only seem to roll Downhill… across the soul… but they don’t seem to go Very far when they run out of fuel… unreliable It is all very impractical I know… unreasonable To believe from death to birth we’d ever get far When life prefers the order of birth to death The outcome though… I’m afraid… is the same… Insert some warm thoughts… Insert all the times we’ve been down… Life is fun I guess… so long as… it levels out
Always remember God is watching… Got nothing better to do…
Lost and lonely… introverted thoughts A disease… with no cure Eating away at my attention No longer know who to believe A cycle… of words and lies Wash away only to come back again Everything moves in rhythms While I drown standing still No longer willing to paddle Only drifting against my will Lost and lonely… introverted ideas A sickness… with no vaccination Sucking up all my intentions No longer know what to believe A sequence… of arguments and reality
No one was asking… and if they were I’d probably still say the same thing… The simplest of things is more complicated than we know… takes longer than we are willing to commit… and isn’t even what we thought it was to begin with…
This is a picture… again no one was asking… and I got tired of waiting…
Everything is a version of itself… from start to finish these things take more steps than a crooked staircase leading to nowhere… the ideas presented here and now… are no more finished then when they started out in my head… Not until they get printed… if they get printed… and even then… even after hours working each word into place… after formatting everything to fit the page… I’ll still be pissed that I never seemed to get it right… Finished or given up?… I can’t tell the difference…
I’ve started a Patron…
Please send all loose change… food scraps… and anything of equal or lesser value to what is found on this website… details in bio…
(Please refrain from sending souls… vials of blood… bodily fluids or anything of the like… The Post Office… Patron… 96.66% of Christians… aren’t into it… Trust me we are equally… if not more… disappointed by this…)
Tune in next week where I will be addressing ellipses and why I use them… It’s going to be riveting…
Silently speaking in volumes I can no longer stand Scream if you must But the words don’t matter Like before… like now… Dead feelings always there Like before… like now… The feeling won’t go away Silently speaking in promises I no longer want to hear Hit me if you must But the pain doesn’t matter Not like before… not like now… Dead feelings always there Not like before… not like now… The feeling won’t go away Silently speaking in reasons I can no longer find Beg if you must But the words don’t matter Like before… like now… Dead feelings always there Like before… like now… The feeling won’t go away
Begging and pleading… with teeth on concrete…
Going mad… sitting here doing nothing Growing mad… all alone… Spinning in circles… Just to end up right back here Spinning and spinning… Until there is no end…
It only gets darker from here…
Listening to everything I have to say Sinking feeling a hope for it to go away If this is the end… I’m not feeling it… Took too much… more than I should… Knew listening to my thoughts Would have only lead me to this It was only a matter of time Days… minutes… weeks… hours… years… Until all this would come to an end Heard everything everyone ever had to say Sickening feeling a hope for them to go away If this is the end… I’m not feeling it… Took in too much… more than anyone should…
Fighting to find the words… for feelings that I don’t even have… keeping up with a schedule… that doesn’t mean anything to anyone except for me… Is only making this feeling… sink in deeper… Wasting time… one minute… one sentence… one word… at a time…
A thousand tiny cuts What it took to live In these shoes Shaking in my skin Fear always seemed to be All there ever was In a place like this A place that doesn’t care Trapped inside your own mind Screaming to make it go away Scream louder it’s all the same Wanted so much more Wanted anything else and now I want nothing at all A thousand tiny paper cuts Against my hands Against my skin Searching for meaning Where meaning never existed
Thought maybe this emptiness would fade away…
Told myself it was… Lied to my own reflection About how this all must be Take it all back Every last cent… every drop of sweat… Wasn’t worth a second of my time Wasn’t worth the time I’ll never get back So, fuck it and take it all Every drop of blood that Splashes against the floor Next to every drop of sweat How much more do you need To prove this all wrong? How much more will it take Until you are done with me? What am I worth when I am nothing?
The lost diary of someone who is never coming back…
Doesn’t feel the same as it used to Time takes its toll on a life left to live Didn’t know this feeling would follow me Time has taken all that it needed If I could have wanted more I’m not sure it would have mattered Life doesn’t care about what we want Doesn’t care about what we need Life will always take everything Didn’t know this feeling would follow me To a grave built over time To a place I have always known Doesn’t feel the same as it did before Time takes its toll on a life left to live Didn’t know this feeling would follow me Through until the end… through it all… Should have known this feeling was born in me
Nothing new to report… just a man… lost in his own thoughts… nothing special resting behind these eyes… just another day… of trying to try… the effort it takes to breath… to do anything… it attaches itself to everything that needs to be done… not worth the effort… if you ask me… not worth the time it takes… to fail any way… the feelings will pass… the problem will always be the same… at least there’s always tomorrow…
Looking for something deeper Something that just isn’t there Working hard at nothing at all Dreaming a little dream That just does not exist Gave in when I should have given up Couldn’t tell the difference With my head so far up my own ass Drank away my thoughts to prove a point Slept away the times I could have changed Realizing now we are not our own dreams Realizing now we are not who we think we are Realizing now in the middle is not the time For such realizations about the idea of me Looking for something deeper Where there just isn’t anything anymore Working hard for nothing at all Dreaming a little dream That just wasn’t meant to be Gave up when I should have given in Couldn’t tell the difference Even when it was all so clear
I don’t want to die… I just don’t want to live…
Hesitation marks get thicker Your incompetence is never ending The lines get closer and closer Your inability is never ending I’m not even trying any more Succeeding with your every breath I’m not trying to believe it But you are literarily killing me If you’re going to be anything In this life… at least you’re efficient…
We are all raised to believe we are so special…
Stuck and I can’t move on Words stacking up and then they fall Drowning in letters amongst it all Do nothing and I’m fine Do something and I’m fine No more joy. No more passion. Sitting still hoping I’ll be fine Tossing and turning… I’ll be fine My skins on fire from the friction Frustrated that all I want to do is die Brought myself here by my own will Can’t seem to find the strength To drag myself back out of this hell Do nothing and I’m fine Do something and I’m fine Instead I’m dwelling on the fact That I’ve wasted all my time Believing everything is going to be fine
Is That A Funeral? 