The panic begins as the thought creeps in My own heartbeat driving everything I’m so lost against the sound I don’t even exist anymore The feelings I once had I don’t have any more I see myself slipping down further than I ever thought Chained to the floor By my own will A deep dark hole carved into a home If I only knew, how could I have known Always give myself one more day This life is the longest day I will ever know And starting tomorrow I’ll only have to let go My fears are only the will to live If only I knew, If only I had known My fears would fade away as the day goes on Existence an excuse to peel myself from the floor Depression pressed against the skin If only I knew, If only I had known Not sure I would have gone on this long The voices don’t go away they only get louder Against the heartbeat of what I have to say If I only knew, How could I have ever known This would have all become my home A grave dug from my soul Told myself I wouldn’t Not sure I know the difference anymore
What the fuck am I even doing Digging ditches called memories It’s all pointless so why Do I feel the need to cry The reason to breath, fucking seething Unhappy and I don’t know why Pointless, but here we go Another day waking and waiting Here we go another day Believing everything will be fine Here we go one more fucking day Feeling like this
Clapping along to a death song…
Gearing up for the ass fuck of the century A daily grind one upped every night (Takes a bow) Go ahead and smile Really I don’t care
“America’s problem is that we are so afraid of outside forces that we forget we are the outside force”…
Your insecurities rub up against me A broken down thought, in need of a lobotomy Toxic nervousness that surrounds us all Thought provoking image drench in tears Worldliness verbiage that makes no sense You’ve gone and turned my mind inside out Once again, tell me how much it hurts Not sure I understand the words
Constant like a fucking child Driven under Driven to live A mindless existence Shut the fuck up Then maybe, you’d be right Tape my mouth shut Torture me, make me feel something Nothing different then the way It is supposed to be Cut my limbs, nail them to a tree Same as it is supposed to be I wish you’d do onto me As I wished for you
An endless thought left out to rot…
Looking to destroy more than myself I know it is what you always wanted I know you have always wanted to win Judge ourselves not by what we’ve done But what we wish to have been Dreams don’t die… They simply fade away…
“Are you on the way to a funeral?”… I am the funeral…
Kill myself slowly Life or what I’ve been told I hold each word against myself A lie I’ve been told Loved you more than I’ve loved me Locked in a world, that I can not win The reflection that I see in my eyes Desiring action, desire to see myself Always been the asshole A sin I hide myself in Taking what I want Believing what I want to believe A whore I see myself in Cult of personality, I could never win Unless you let me Being drunk is a sin An escape I find myself in Fuck you, if you ever thought you could win A running thought inside my head My thoughts run off Digging a ditch I call my grave A home I hold within I’m so done, a struggle within, you win
Broken Thoughts
Remorse is for the dead… all that needs to be said… still alive?… then you already know what needs to be done… we will figure all of this out at a later time… in the mean time read more… learn… heal… and grow…
Tearing through my flesh Can’t tell what is left Dead or alive Fucking kill it Doesn’t matter anymore Screaming in the dark Take me with you Drown within a dream, a nightmare Suffocating The scars were never meant to be seen Cracking Hating all of this A life I thought I had to live Destroying everything Smashed against my skin I have and always will Drown myself from within Thought you knew me Didn’t know shit A decision I have to fucking live with Smile, because this was always for you Turning over in my grave Even in death I couldn’t sleep Fuck me, all the same Keep on living just to be me Closing my eyes I knew there would never be peace Smiling even as a dead man in a grave Home is where my heart has always been A tomb, a grave, everything I need it to be Miss the way things used to be Isolation was only a thought that I bothered Give you even more If you could show me what it is I truly need A hug from the one I adore Wasted too much time On selfish needs Punish me some more Give me all that I deserve
Staring into the mirror Wondering why not The blade pressed up against me Not sure why lately I’m not Anti-lobotomy Driven crazy, fucked at the thought Common sense doesn’t mean shit Drowning in my own life Suffocating at the thought That all of this must keep going on
Where is the savior we’ve been waiting on?…
Who put me in charge of anything God doesn’t have a sense of humor Fuck off Gave me my own thing to destroy Said look I fucked up but here is your chance To do the same thing A running joke, that makes no sense Drinking to try and forget What I was even trying to do Slash the wrists long enough Something is bound to happen Parenting not that far off Smashing my head against a wall Just makes sense At this point
Lost and it is just a thought…
Dodging all the god damn knives Finding my place in all this shit Tortured, do this to myself Smiling at the thought What was the point all along? Breathing to breathe Living because I was told to Always loved you But what was the fucking point? God or the devil does it matter? When nothing has ever mattered When nothing you’ve said Has turned out how you promised It’s all so pointless… the longer this goes on
Defying death the thing I’ve become Say a prayer for all that you know Silence falls on your prayer Beyond my control Beyond my understanding Only human, you know what I know Murder, death, hurt Respond to the sins I understand Look to the past, words Existence I’ve failed to understand
Suffocating through what I know…
Education was always the plan Lost on the insecure, lost on the damned Education was always meant to sustain A plan no one ever understood Ignorance sown within our souls Fuck your thoughts, bull shit plans Mob rule, mob mentality I’m owed mine, I’m owed yours Selfish fuck that I’ve always claimed to be The reality only a thing Laughing at your pain Because the realization is all too late Sucking on the tail pipe Slashing away, jerking off to the thought That all of this makes no sense within the context
Bury me with all that I know…
Painting a picture Means so much to me An image buried in my mind Just like the time I tried to die A gallery with everything I’ve been trying to say Love was, never easy for me Death makes sense When I think about it Giving up was all I ever needed Wanted more but I never lied Gave up the will Gave in to all the things I felt Wasn’t right Only what I had at the time
An epic about nothing at all…
Embrace everything you thought Not special at all The vision not what we thought Same as we were anyway All I was trying to say Love them all the same
Broken Thoughts
Our parents are all they could be… our parents our us… fight it… believe I am wrong… but know… your parents fuck… your parents have thoughts… your parents are us after all… eww I know… gross… shake off the thought… but know you aren’t a freak… wonder if they feel like you?… they do… no other reason… than they are human… This whole thing is a shit show… welcome to the stage… smile… let’s move the fuck on… need advice?… ask those around you… it will be awkward… believe me when I say that’s what it means to be an adult… believe me when I say they feel the same…
Shhh… you wanted the secret… well the secret was fucking lame… : )… not trying to be a dick… just saying… not trying to make you throw up… but let’s be honest… your parents have always felt the same… mind-blowing… fucking crazy… hug them all the same… because they did this… dealt with this all… long before you could ever think… fucking heroes… martyrs to the cause of it all… good or bad… they tried their fucking best… what else could you ever ask of them after all?… that’s love… Think about it… come back to me… when you understand… been there for years… just sinking in… Not original… only a copy… excuse me as I throw up at the thought… only human after all… haha… never been better than you… Never been better than the heroes I’ve loved… only human… hard at the thought… embrace my part… embrace who I am after all… why the fuck do you listen to me at all?…
Broken Thoughts Vol. 3: Chasing Ghosts… continues Ambrose’s dissection of self through short stories, poetry, and broken thoughts. Full of rage, passion, love, and understanding. Ambrose goes deeper than ever before chasing more than ghosts into the darkness.
Stories Exclusive to this Volume…
Awaken: Something has awoken through the haunting madness of nightmares. Something dark and sinister. A lifetime of struggle with demented images leads to one fateful night as the Church of the Abandoned come to reap what they have long sowed so many years ago. Expanding further into the cult that is the abandoned. When God calls upon you… How will you answer?
Dead Body Moving: Everything is going well. Better than well really. Only not everything on the surface is as it appears. On his way to run an errand for his job Ambrose will discover more than he bargained for in this twisted tale. The cost for a little peace of mind isn’t for everyone.
2 Days In the Sun: Stuck in the desert with nowhere to go Owen’s options aren’t looking good. Stay put and die in the unforgiving heat or walk the twenty miles to the nearest town under the same conditions. In this heat and a warm bottle of water Owen should be there in no time. Follow Owen as he mingles with the eclectic locals in his search for help.
The Pale Girl: Early preview chapter to the forthcoming novel Blood Letter. In the early days of America something wicked this way comes. A beautiful and mysterious woman has arrived at the plantation and has sparked emotions never felt before in one of the inhabitants. Proving that even in the darkest of places love can blossom. Will this new found love be the end of her or the beginning of something more?
Who knew getting clean would bring out your darker side? Getting clean may have brought out your darker side, but it also brought out another part of you. The part of you that loves and is loved by the few that are close to you. You’re still an abrasive asshole by nature, but there is another layer there now. You’ve entered a new era that I can’t wait to explore and for others to explore.
Valerie Hannigan, Where the Dead Things Grow
There was once a frog. This frog danced and it sang. Screamed with joy at the top of its little lungs. Then one day a teacher handed a thirteen-year-old the frog and a scalpel. “Pin each part of the frog to a board,” the teacher said. The child excelled with ease. Working through the skin, the muscle, and the bones. Feeling nothing as they went. Dissecting until what was once a frog no longer resembled a frog. Kind of like that.
Edwin Edith Mirken, Fissure
I enjoy the parts where you suffer the most. Nothing in this world brings me more pleasure than to watch you suffer, read about your suffering, and live a life where you suffer. I wish you the most suffering one human can manage. Suffer well.
Waiting for your words Waiting for anything I’ve become bored Staring at a wall isn’t for me Thoughts come seeping back in
How I wish I was dead That life is meaningless
They don’t mean much said only once Over and over until they won’t leave my head?
How I wish I was dead That life is meaningless
Distracted for a time Thought the thoughts had left I’ve always been wrong This only proves it Suffocating under the weight Of a feeling I can’t escape
How I wish I was dead That life is meaningless
Reminding me how not to forget Over and over again
How I wish I was dead That life is meaningless
Waiting for your words Waiting for anything I’ve become bored Don’t think I’ll ever change Thoughts never left me Only distracted for a time
Reading all that they have to say How I wish I was dead This life is so meaningless
Broken Thoughts Vol. 3: Chasing Ghosts… continues Ambrose’s dissection of self through short stories, poetry, and broken thoughts. Full of rage, passion, love, and understanding. Ambrose goes deeper than ever before chasing more than ghosts into the darkness.
Stories Exclusive to this Volume…
Awaken: Something has awoken through the haunting madness of nightmares. Something dark and sinister. A lifetime of struggle with demented images leads to one fateful night as the Church of the Abandoned come to reap what they have long sowed so many years ago. Expanding further into the cult that is the abandoned. When God calls upon you… How will you answer?
Dead Body Moving: Everything is going well. Better than well really. Only not everything on the surface is as it appears. On his way to run an errand for his job Ambrose will discover more than he bargained for in this twisted tale. The cost for a little peace of mind isn’t for everyone.
2 Days In the Sun: Stuck in the desert with nowhere to go Owen’s options aren’t looking good. Stay put and die in the unforgiving heat or walk the twenty miles to the nearest town under the same conditions. In this heat and a warm bottle of water Owen should be there in no time. Follow Owen as he mingles with the eclectic locals in his search for help.
The Pale Girl: Early preview chapter to the forthcoming novel Blood Letter. In the early days of America something wicked this way comes. A beautiful and mysterious woman has arrived at the plantation and has sparked emotions never felt before in one of the inhabitants. Proving that even in the darkest of places love can blossom. Will this new found love be the end of her or the beginning of something more?
Who knew getting clean would bring out your darker side? Getting clean may have brought out your darker side, but it also brought out another part of you. The part of you that loves and is loved by the few that are close to you. You’re still an abrasive asshole by nature, but there is another layer there now. You’ve entered a new era that I can’t wait to explore and for others to explore.
Valerie Hannigan, Where the Dead Things Grow
There was once a frog. This frog danced and it sang. Screamed with joy at the top of its little lungs. Then one day a teacher handed a thirteen-year-old the frog and a scalpel. “Pin each part of the frog to a board,” the teacher said. The child excelled with ease. Working through the skin, the muscle, and the bones. Feeling nothing as they went. Dissecting until what was once a frog no longer resembled a frog. Kind of like that.
Edwin Edith Mirken, Fissure
I enjoy the parts where you suffer the most. Nothing in this world brings me more pleasure than to watch you suffer, read about your suffering, and live a life where you suffer. I wish you the most suffering one human can manage. Suffer well.
The sadness sinks in A world with no reason Broken hearted, left wondering How much time is left To destroy
The truth is more than I can describe…
Drinking a death wish left to employ I’d take you all if it means happiness Selfish, I’ve always known why So much easier to take away Then live this shit day to day Still hanging on anyway Raise my glass we’re in this together now Happiness has always been nothing more than A thought
Who I am with no reason why?…
Emotions come and go away Words are easy to say Live?, another question to be asked Who was I in all this madness Miss you more than I forgot They say so many things They lie to tell the truth What’s the reason, no reason why Call it life, call it what you will Doesn’t matter, how it is to die Words spell out my life Words say so much and then we die Choking on so many things The mind keeps going An empty feeling of nothingness Wasted gift, no one has ever listened Swing and thinking None of this even matters
“Life doesn’t make sense. Madness? Well… you tell me.” Cooper Jones, No One Ever Said This Was Free
Is That A Funeral? 