Broken Thoughts… Break The Silence…

Somewhere in the darkness
Just before the light
Lies something so dark
It hides in plain sight
Worlds live and breathe
A price to pay
A debt so low
What could come from this
If nothing at all
Watch the sky as it burns
Even on the darkest nights
Still can see the blood
Who does it bleed for
If not for you and me
The truth so hard to find
When the lies become so easy to digest

Ideally my ideals don’t mean much to me…

A bible left on a bench
Verses stuck in my head
Bleeding for a cause
Dying for the dead
Wait out the end of the world
Cautiously continuing what’s already been done
Too afraid to try anything new
Coughing up blood from all the fun
Destroying everything I love
If I knew why I’d tell you
Locked away in my mind
All that matters at the time

Deep rooted sense of entitlement…

Taking this one step at a time
Taking it one step further than Christ
Gave up all my sins
Now there’s nothing left
Dragging myself up the cross once again
The pain comes on fast than slow
Growing old with so much left to go
Who am I if I am without sin
Who am I to beg for forgiveness
Drinking blood to understand where this began
The body begs the question of what have I done
Said you’d never leave now here I stand
All alone with nowhere to go

Feels the same only worse…

Easier to lie than to live your life
Spitting blood for the taste
Waiting out the storm of our lives
Hidden in the dark never had a reason why
Feel as though all of this has been said before
Giving into the reason why
Without context doesn’t make much sense
Nothing ever really does
Picking out the parts that I like
So broken left dead inside
Who I’ve always wanted to be

Broken Thoughts

Been trying to get back into Twitter lately… been very lazy or very busy… depends on where your sympathies lie… stack of canvases that need to be finished… worked on… done something with… a stack of ideas that need to be worked on as well… I keep piling it on… forcing myself to take on more… spend the time wondering why?… have I always been this way?… am I only noticing it now after all this time… always moving… always going… what does it mean to sit still?… in my broken… warped mind… it means certain death… a fallacy I want to believe… rather than one I need to believe… so there has been that as well…

Me trying to relax… and dare I say… have fun… it isn’t going well… I don’t get it… I don’t like it… but I know I need it… I need to learn to enjoy what I have before it is gone… those around me… my friends… my family… society as a whole… there is some shitty metaphor about how no one is an island… true even if I keep trying to disprove such a thought… a notion… that I could be wrong… all of this is weighing on me… my mind… the question… what do I want from life?… 

I have no idea… I spent so much time avoiding the question… running from it… putting things in front of it to hide behind… nothing stops it… like the great Jason Voorhees that fucking question just keeps coming… except maybe one thing… one possible outcome to put this damn demon to rest… an answer… a solution to the problem and question… and that is the real issue… I don’t have an answer… I don’t have a realistic idea of what I want… all I have is a fantasy… a lie.. I keep telling myself to get by… as we all know… we can only lie for so long until the lie falls apart… 

That was a lot to lay on you… and this is yet another moment that I will dwell on… where does all this come from?… now you know… even if it is only a glimpse of how I see the world… see myself in it… been human for so long… ready to be so much more… time will tell if any of this ever gets better… 

Broken Thoughts…

We try to recreate things from memory
From feeling, never the same in our heads
Misquoting everything in sight
So we begin this story of deceit
From within, from the soul
Need you to relate even if it is only
To prove a point
Selfishness runs deep
Ignorance so much deeper
Diseased and seeking some sort of care
The depression is so much worse with them
Broken and needing something more
So blind to everyone else’s needs

Turns out I traded one mask for another after all…

Your death rattle escape
Won’t shake all the demons free
Still lurking in the darkness
We’ve been waiting a long time
We’ll keep waiting with all the patience
Of a saint, a devil in disguise
Wings made of bone and tarred on feathers
We know pain above anything else
We’ve known its caress since the dawn of time

Always on the fence… I’m always on the fence…

I gave it all up for this?
These feelings don’t subside
These feelings grow deeper
Slip into the cracks of my broken heart
Give it another year
Give me a whole lifetime
Waste it once again
If I could do it over
So unsure I would
Life gets easier with time
Because the will to live
Goes with it
Gave up my soul for something I don’t know
Want it back but I’m so unsure

Broken Thoughts

Lets keep this odd train a rolling… was on my way to work today when an odd thought came across my mind… civil services is the only job where it is okay to be an asshole to the ones that pay you… the only job where it is an actual possibility that you could beat your employer too much… if I even raised a fist to someone I work with I would be fired instantly… yet a cop could hit you with a baton and as long as you seemed like you were resisting… perfectly legal… if I’m not careful how I talked to someone at work… it would cost me my job… but a judge could and can talk down to you… they can literally judge you… and they are applauded for it… basically I got in the wrong line of work… 

Could you imagine for a moment though… if these things were reversed… sure it could suck… take the suck out for a moment… but things might actually be more efficient… if people actually thought something could happen to them… sure we still speed… we still break the law… but many of us don’t for fear that a baton might come across our face… or we could get shot… but at my work at least… many of them have the attitude I get paid either way… or as one of my fellow “Hard Workers” said to me… “Why are you organizing? It is only going to get messed up again”… (insert I may kill you face)… I wonder why that might be?… 

I don’t know… only a broken thought that I stumbled across… 

Merch… Teespring… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Something Different…

Broken Soul

Even when we try to let it go
It goes nowhere, but straight to the heart
Wearing myself thin, dead skin mask
Stretched so tight, who am I supposed to be
If I can’t be you
Envision myself to be better
Lies I tell myself to get by
Broken boned and everything I despise
Two more days and I’ll be okay
Keep telling myself the same old shit
Beating my head against the wall
Soon all the thoughts will flow out
Soon all that is wrong will be right again

Today was the day we died
We said we hadn’t
But I guess I lied
Smiled all the same
No one missed the exit
But no one knows where it is
Makes it easier
I guess
Take the next right
Hope for the best
Spiraling out into a fire
No one knows what it is
They are even looking for
Given up to give in
Makes sense in the end
Go ahead and give it
What it needs
Too much thought wasted
On what is and what could have been
I think, I do, but who knows
Dancing in the ashes of our souls
What happens when we’ve all gone to hell?
I can’t have a pity party
Every time you feel depressed
I’m running out of cake and shit to say

digging through the past… to understand how I feel in the present… finding inspiration in nothing… hard to be inspired by all the shit around me… have a wonderful day… 

Merch… Teespring… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Let’s Fake An Answer For the Curious..

These Days

The days bleed together
How it is or how it always was?
Questions, answers, sin, justification
The days bleed together
These days stick together
How it is or how I’ve always wanted it to be?
Liar, truth, asshole, cunt
The days seem meaningless
When you are around
Bleeding, blending, living, dying
The days are all there seems to be
The days with only you and me
Then there are the days in between
Haunting nightmares, self destruction
I’m not so depressed when you are around
I’m not myself when we are apart
The words seem to mean more than how I feel
How it is or how it always was?
Questions, answers, sin, justification
These days bleed together
The longer this day goes
The less I seem to have left in me

Success and failure… the mark that we live our lives by… shit on a stick it doesn’t matter… this life… this world isn’t measured in accomplishment… what we do doesn’t matter to the masses… it might only mean something to one person… one among nearly eight billion and counting… could make the difference… we have to be here for one and another… because what the fuck else are we going to do?… 

Sounds fucking crazy… in this together?… who the fuck is there when I’m sad?… no one… think again… I am… others are… sometimes you have to look further than three feet around us… sometimes we aren’t in arms lengths… but we are here… What I mean is… don’t give up… embrace your gifts… embrace your failures… living life is all we got… so you are a fish that can’t climb a tree… oh well… look for the ocean and set yourself free… won’t be easy… but what part of this life ever was?…

Believe me when I say you will fail… believe me when I say there will be set backs… what that means is up to you… it was never up to me or anyone for that matter… embrace the fail… embrace the pain… grow to be better than anyone could ever believe…. will it hurt… yes… will it suck… you best believe… in the darkest hole… the darkest time… the darkest moment… we grow our fucking wings…. So keep swinging…. keep trying… and if I’m wrong… if it doesn’t work out… know that at least you tried… trying is what it is all about… trying is all that we need… prove those unable to even try that they are wrong…. flap those wings and lets ride… 

“Who needs a reason when there is a why.”
Clayton Blackwood, Teeth Like God’s

Broken Thoughts…

Gunshots in the distance
Another life robbed of its innocence
Plagued by those around me
Fear that maybe were too similar
For existence
Said you’d exist but did we ever
Bleeding thoughts from your mind
Symptoms so familiar
As if I read it off the back of a piece of paper

Stuck somewhere in between here and there…

Think you know what’s wrong with everyday
Breaking down the thoughts to prove how wrong
I like your ideas, so smart of you
So sad just how sad all of this makes us
Like sawing off a limb for no reason at all
Sure we have our reasons but do we?
Time has taught us so much about nothing at all
Where to be when we aren’t needed
Where in the day we’ve started staring at the floor
Who could have known time would have ever been
So important to what we know

Keeping an eye out for so much more… 

Do onto others as they do to you
Only works if you are doing the right thing
But who is right? When we are all wrong?
Think you own me, have no idea what that entails
Are you really ready to take control?
Didn’t think so, so go ahead and let go
Let me know when you’re ready to destroy
Tell me when you know
How horrible it is to grow old
Desolate, destination unknown
Feel your hands gripping my soul
So go ahead and let go
Let it all go…
Carbon copy of those around you
You’re rebelling against what you don’t even know
So different yet all the same
Fit into something…
Hydra with so many heads
The masters never intended for any of this
To survive
Nothing has ever been built to last…

Broken Thoughts

Would seem that these thoughts fall into the political realm… oddly they were written about my job… so not quite as epic in scope… but if you put your life under the microscope you may find that the things happening on a world scale… are also happening right there in front of you… the consequences aren’t as dire as a nuclear blast… but that doesn’t mean it can’t hurt as much as one… think about it… pain is subjective to how you feel… not what someone else can take… we like to compare someone else’s pain to our own… they aren’t comparable… relatable?… sure… do others have it worse?… always… doesn’t down grade your suffering though… as comforting it may be to think about…

If you want to help others… you have to help yourself first… In New York… and possibly other places… we have this theory… saying… whatever… about people falling on ice… Never catch them… Stop them… Let them fall… it sounds awful… what piece of shit person sees someone falling and does nothing?… But there is a reason… can’t help someone if you both are in need of help… who will help the two of you?…

It is things like that… that makes me miss the cold… the bitter truth of life… the honesty of trying to survive… something lost in translation depending on where you live… Same goes for pain… hurt… suffering… no one knows exactly how you feel… that’s what this line means to me… it is me rationalizing that my bosses aren’t just assholes… though they may be… never rule anything out… but rather they are suffering just like me… a different way… sure… everyone is only trying to survive… I double down on this idea with this line… “Fit into something”… This idea that you are in charge is a false idea… there are so few of us on the planet who are actually in charge of our lives… and it isn’t even the ones that you think… those of us that fit into society… locked into in… lack the necessary means to be in control of our lives…

That is what we trade for structure… we trade fear… suffering for peace of mind… but someone forgot to mention… these things can’t be traded… given away… they evolve like a virus… becoming stronger over nothing… we become plagued by these fear that we thought we left… that we forget the point of life is to live… that winning isn’t the mansion… the fast car… the nice clothes… but breathing another day… an idea that is lost in translation… uncomparable between different parts of the earth… some of us have it easier… but better?… what is better?… 

There are things to get angry about and things to just brush aside… the problem with the world isn’t that we are all wrong… it is that we are not focused… “Hydra with so many heads”… No battle is ever won by throwing everything you have at once… it takes focus… no one can truly understand what is going on by trying to figure it all out at once… 

Merch… Teespring… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

“I See The Game… And It Sees Me”…

Desperately Trying To Hold On, For You

Thought about the thoughts
That make us human after all
Thought about the thoughts
That don’t matter at all
Thought maybe then I thought
About it all
All these thoughts I thought
As I waited for the fall

We tell ourselves it matters
We push for results
But in the end as we wait for it all
Nothing made sense
Nothing was all it was
What we think holds value
Holds nothing at all

So I thought about the thoughts
That makes us human after all
I thought about the thoughts
That don’t matter after all
Draw my conclusions
What I found was
Fuck it all

The next generation is so fucked… everything is right now… I need it now… is dinner ready?… no… it takes fucking time… spoiled and they don’t even know why… time is moving so fast… have you figured out yet what you want to be?… left behind… we do this to ourselves and ask why… human reasoning… kiss it all good bye… we need time to step back… say okay… this is the direction we need to go… not enough time… maybe we have always been this way… maybe it is something new… but in the end… what the fuck is going on?… I’m just grumpy… because my walker is in the shop…

Something Different…

Not Much Left To Say

Dress all in black to match my shadow
Fit into my skin, stretched out and hollow
Wash away my sins
When there’s no way left to win
Bleeding myself dry to exist
So tired of throwing the same old fit
Most days wish I did not exist
Suicide is pointless when no one gives a shit
The world works so unlike the mind
Lost in time, stuck in place
Who I am, Who I want to be
Sell my soul, nothing left to sell though
The devil makes deals than God must as well
No one, nothing safe from sin and corruption
Sex sells, cheaply given away, cast aside
Question everything ever presented to me
What am I worth if I’ve felt worthless along
Attacking my own mind, my own worst enemy
Hidden behind my eyes
Poisoning my own self to feel like the rest
Who needs a shepherd when we have ourselves
Conforming but don’t know what for
Too much shit on my mind and none of it matters at this time
Sixteen days, sixteen years what’s the difference
When it all slips away
I feel so naked without a place to go
Life in boxes, moving pictures with poor resolution
I wanted so much now there is so much left that I do not want
Contradictions become constricting
Venomous snake wrapped around my neck
The noose is alive and well as I begin to sweat
Sticky, sweet flesh of flesh
Bone to bone, I don’t think I have much left to lose
If I gave you enough reasons
Would all of this make any sense
Lost in the words
Lost in time
Space is an abstract thought
We all have to rationalize
This land is your land
Until I take it back
A worthless idea
Propagated by the demand
For something free

I know that it is Thursday… I know I’m supposed to talk out of my ass about some topic I barely understand or relate too… But I haven’t really been in the mood… sucks because there have been some pretty crazy topics as of late… Like how Facebook knows more about me than my own mother… honestly they might know more about me than I do… feel kind of bad for them… too bad they couldn’t take these broken feeling out of my mind… their recent ads at least tell me they are trying… With a Nailgun and a Few Boards… isn’t a half bad title for a book… haha… I kid… how am I supposed to put the last nail in?… not logical at all… oh well…

Then there are the school walkouts… good for them… wish we would have been smart enough to do that sooner… this next generation is something else… agree or disagree with their reasons… you have to admit… it takes a lot to make a stand… is there anything more American?… besides suppression?…

Teachers asking for more money… they deserve it… anyone willing to make our lives better… deserves more money… at least some food stamps… or free housing… something… I mean I am willing to do just about anything… but teach children?… maybe in hell… well my dark thoughts just washed away… life is good.. keep smiling… and give them some more damn money… 

Been going through a lot… that’s all that needs to be said about that really… I mean I’ve been busy trying to drown myself in my own tears… so far it hasn’t worked… fingers crossed… trying to cover the spectrum of life right now… not really sure when I will be getting myself out of this bathtub… What did you think I was using a glass to collect my tears?… I really need to get out of the house… or at least the bathroom… 

Merch… Teespring… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Something Different…

Laughing In the Face of Darkness

There is a story I’m always trying to tell
It doesn’t have a beginning, middle, but it does have an end
It is long, some might say endless
A story I can never seem to get straight
Give it all I got, in the end, it never makes any sense
Wish you could see my thoughts as they see me
My hopes and dream is that maybe one day
You can feel what it is like to be me
Bleed thoughts onto the page, inhale words to live another day
If only it was all for something
Wonder if I would have more to say
Living life in reverse is no way to live
Search for the middle without anywhere to begin
Another day wasted, I’m wasting away
How much more of this shit am I willing to take
Standing still, standing right here as I always have
Had no other options so what choice did I have
Feel as though I have said this all before
All those times before

You’d think after two hundred of these things… I would have something to just cut and paste… or copy and paste if you’re nasty… or if you are like me… too lazy to hit backspace… feeling at odds with myself… not lost… not standing in place… only going with the random thoughts in my head… This post didn’t end where I thought it would… satisfied none the less… turning the lights on and off… haunted with the madness coursing through my veins… sometimes it works… and sometimes it doesn’t… I guess that’s the point of going off the deep in… 

Merch… Teespring… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

But I’m Still Right Here…

“As below, so above and beyond, I imagine – drawn beyond the lines of reason. “

Tool, Lateralus

Death

I don’t necessarily fear death. Not in the sense that maybe one should. I know it will happen. I’m even okay with it to a certain extent. Part of life after all. If anything, I fear dying too early. Dying before I’ve done anything at all. My anxiety about the whole thing keeps me up at night. Fuels my own perpetual destruction and decent into madness. I complain about working nights, but the truth is that I have always been up late. One of the reasons I first took the overnight job. Figured if I’m already up I might as well get paid. Stupidity. For those of us who know. There is a difference between staying up all night watching movies and staying up all night killing yourself. Things only got worse from there. Because I let them. I let the fear seep into my soul to the point that I craved it like a drug.

There were nights. There are still nights that I relapse. That my mind digs in deep to the fear and madness. I have nights that I fear that I won’t wake up. Close my eyes and this, that was it. I fear the idea that I won’t be able to see my daughter grow up or that I won’t see my wife ever again. I fear their lose and their pain of not having me there as much as I fear the same for myself. I fear that I’ve wasted too much time doing nothing when I could have been doing more for them. For myself. It is a cycle that some nights I cannot break and because of it I don’t sleep. My fear of death is irrational.

I fear these things because I will miss them. Because I am awake. Because I am here. But I’ll be dead so I won’t even know that I am missing them. I won’t know what or how they feel or what they are doing. It is not as though once I’m dead and gone I will have feeling or thought. But the fear tells me no this is not how it will be. I should be thinking selfishly, but I can’t about this. I know that they will be fine without me. I also know neither would ever say it or at least, I hope. They are two strong and amazing women. They don’t need me but in truth I need them.  This rationalization doesn’t wipe away the fear because what if?  What if I am stuck on the sidelines missing every moment? Missing every chance to tell them I love them once again? What if there is a heaven and a hell?

Personally, I don’t care if either or both of them exist. Either place could only be one in the same with different surroundings. Neither place would contain the things I will miss the most in this world. A fascinating fact that I can’t out run, can’t find comfort in, but only dread. Stoking the flames of my fears. There could be something else beyond life but it would only torture me with the thought that I am missing so much once again. That all of this was for nothing. Honestly when I die, I want there to be nothing. I hope there is nothing. I want to rest for the first time in my life. I’d like to rest. As I grow old, I hope for immortality, I hope for more time to avoid all this what if, though the older I get the more I know it isn’t so. Do I fear death? Sort of, but really, I fear growing old.

Ambrose…

Circling the Circles that Encircle Me…

Should Explain

It’s petty but it’s the petty shit that kills
Should I explain or keep driving the drill into my brain
No one’s listening while a bear shits in the woods
So all is okay, okay, it’s all okay
Maybe someone should explain what it means to be alive
Shitting my pants don’t need a reason why
So all mixed up, mixed up, it’s all mixed up
Give it enough time, let it sink in
Seeking the truth from liars never made much sense
The lie began around the same time as time
First clock must have seemed so useless
It’s too bad it caught on
Wasting something we choose to define
So all is okay, okay, it’s all okay
Maybe someone, anyone, no one special should explain
What it means to live when all the reasons disappear
When there’s nothing here to make any of this matter
Watching life slip away
Watching the world kill itself
What’s the reason again
Why does any of this have to make any sense anyway
Should explain, should someone explain
Should someone justify something that can’t be defined

Well I’ve said more than I wanted to say already…  

Merch… Teespring… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter