Something Different…

With Me

I can see every last thought you’d ever think
I live in your dreams though you call them nightmares
My thoughts are with you day and night
My blood moves you as though if to fight
Tomorrow a new day dawns
Yet another day for you and I
Teetering on the edge
How much control do you think you really command?
Let me out and I shall show you how to live
Let me go and I’ll erase everything you know
I am you and you are me
We say we are different
A lie we must believe
A lie which controls us through space and time
I can see your every thought
I live with you even if you have moved on
Death is but an idea
Withheld from the weak
There is no tomorrow
When you are with me

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Broken Thoughts…

Living out the eulogy, the funeral has been
Happening for years
Knew you were right when I said you weren’t
Known I’ve felt the same, but I didn’t want too
A lie from
Day one, yesterday, today
I don’t know any more
Too late to turn any of this around
A long time coming
Long time spent looking the other way
I love you
Each word stings and it feels like this
Is how it is meant to be

Where is the anger coming from?…

Searching for myself and my lost identity
Who have I become if I don’t know myself
A man born into no sleep, an asshole baptized in fire
Where will life go from here
Where are we now if we are nowhere at all
Trapped between my own prisons
Locked away to figure it all out
But I don’t know anything beyond what I’m told
How am I supposed to know
If even I don’t know
Silenced by the thoughts of wrong and right
Torn between what I want and what I need
Two things that will never be the same
Searching for something that has meaning
Through a life of no importance beyond me and you
A man born into suffering, an asshole left rotting
Inside out and ass backward
Which way is straight away from here
Which direction is anything with no directions at all?

Let’s go back to where this all started…

Digging up the past
Fresh ideas to bury with the rest
Hollowed out bodies, turn to leather
Intersecting midsection, torn apart
Half eaten entrails
Yes, I already know I’m going to hell
Lying upon a heap of burning bodies
There will be no rest for my immortal soul
So, the story goes
I no longer have fears
Dissected, inflicted, sacrificed
God made me and the Devil too
Who should I blame, If I can’t blame you

Broken Thoughts

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Broken Thoughts…

This could  carry me into next week
The thought that maybe any of this matters
Bleeding to know that there is still life
A loneliness has bred an isolation
Chasing down an unrealistic dream
A quest to become God to a desolate planet
There is no end to an unapologetic beginning
Kill the man, the idea lives on stronger than before
Fucking useless apocalyptic dream
Too busy to hold on to every thought
Slipping away into a dark messiah complex

Nightmares become reality…

Who knew the answers were meaningless
An asshole with a small dick complex
It swings without hitting nothing
The words pile up onto the piles of shit
Pick the one that suits the moment at hand
Fuck, I hate every minute yet can’t turn away
A burned down cigarette pressed against your teeth
Forgot how to live, still meaningless to me
A sentiment that time couldn’t erase
Putting thoughts and feeling to the grinder
Bleeding the poison out through the skin
Over dramatic for no fucking reason at all
Spoke to you once about pain
An idea left on the back burner for too long
Chewing on glass to feel anything anymore
Sedation was as much fun as it could have ever been
A raping of the mind that needs to be said
Passing it off as original and unique
Same shit that’s always been said

To pick them out would be a waste of time…

A constant shift of the same idea nailed down
Who is on the cross now?
Switched him out when no one was looking
Didn’t matter as long as someone was in pain
Praying to a God that doesn’t understand
Is like asking your dog for the rent
A concept they will never understand
Not everything means the same thing to someone else
Misguided words left on the graves of the damned
Searching for something more when you are already dead
The point is, I’m no different than you
The reasons had nothing to do with us or them
Broken before we even got here

Broken Thoughts

Hitting an apex of thought… is another way of saying peaking… before I have even begun… what that means and how it is… is up to you… slowly sipping away at this cocktail called life… I gave up guessing and put it all on to you… words dancing in my head… words spinning around in here… but none of them make any sense… the end was never suppose to mean more than… you thought it would… Broken entries in an unfinished diary… think I’ll quit… only to start right back up again… if I was an addiction… than I’d only still be me… resting on the emptiness…

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Yellow House, Brown Shutters

So, this is what it is like to belong? Belong to a family? Feeling useless or pointless ninety percent of the time. Feeling awkward in a room full of people you tell half-truths too in order to feel superior or make them feel proud of you. Family is nothing more than a group of strangers pretending they give a shit. Society, in general, is the same thing. Thin little threads made of lies hold it all together until it is time to fall apart. My thoughts are my own but, on some level, everyone in this room is thinking the same thing.

In some ways, I wish I could read minds. Not that I would have to in moments like these. More or less, we are all the same even if we don’t want to be. We are all self-serving, egotistical assholes yet we can’t get along for five minutes of a real conversation or thought. When such a thing even comes up the room goes silent to the point that even a whisper is a scream because everyone is afraid to unravel the lie that we all get along.

Maybe we aren’t meant to get along? Maybe we are supposed to yell and fight and hate each other in the open? Maybe just how we feel inside is what it means to be human?

“What are you thinking about?” My mother asks. “Nothing,” I take a bite of potatoes, “Nothing at all.”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” she smiles…

Happy Fucking Holidays… or whatever… Another event I have to sit through… another day I have to take in everything everyone has to say… This is why I spend most of my time in my basement drinking the time away… the whispers behind my back… giving them something to say… filling their mouths with words… I’m doing my part… not wearing a mask right now makes me feel naked… the mask never comes off… but this one itches… layers of skin exposed to the fresh air… the tainted smiles… and all the shit they have to say… misery is finding out this won’t end… even at my funeral… gathered around my body… saying the same old shit… the kids are all fucked up… the worlds on fire… and I don’t know why it has to rain right now… of all times for the world to keep moving on… as though it doesn’t give a shit… rambling on and there’s only three more hours left of this… shaking hands… giving hugs… eating the same old shit… if I went into a coma would any of them even notice?… would I even notice?… I guess I already did… unless this is it?… One long trapped nightmare inside my head… What is the point of any of this?…

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Everyone else is out “enjoying” their family time… left me here to do all the work… click some links… buy some shit… who cares… it’s not like any of us are going to stop… I gave up on financial independence a long time ago… but someone hit those other assholes on the head with a hammer or something… they actually believe one day they… that this will all be something… I know better… I figured it out long ago… as Clayton Blackwood once said… “Government checks are there for a reason… someone has to pay for this shit”… so support the others or don’t support them… I’m drunk enough to know… that chasing ghosts is only for those with hope… that would make a for a good book title… chasing ghosts is all that we are doing… chasing them to the grave… phantom impressions of our former selves… maybe I’ll find mine some day… clutching a bottle… face resting on the keyboard… one can only hope…