“I See The Game… And It Sees Me”…

Desperately Trying To Hold On, For You

Thought about the thoughts
That make us human after all
Thought about the thoughts
That don’t matter at all
Thought maybe then I thought
About it all
All these thoughts I thought
As I waited for the fall

We tell ourselves it matters
We push for results
But in the end as we wait for it all
Nothing made sense
Nothing was all it was
What we think holds value
Holds nothing at all

So I thought about the thoughts
That makes us human after all
I thought about the thoughts
That don’t matter after all
Draw my conclusions
What I found was
Fuck it all

The next generation is so fucked… everything is right now… I need it now… is dinner ready?… no… it takes fucking time… spoiled and they don’t even know why… time is moving so fast… have you figured out yet what you want to be?… left behind… we do this to ourselves and ask why… human reasoning… kiss it all good bye… we need time to step back… say okay… this is the direction we need to go… not enough time… maybe we have always been this way… maybe it is something new… but in the end… what the fuck is going on?… I’m just grumpy… because my walker is in the shop…

It’s A Funny Story… Even If It Isn’t…

Trying something new… Imagine that… I haven’t written anything new outside of poetry and the new story I am working on… Sadly that isn’t for the website… Redoing my next book… well kind of… I had this whole theme I was running through the whole book… I didn’t like it… not the story, but the theme… or the idea… shit happens… so I am overhauling a few things… and none of this matters… 

Recently I have decided that I’m really into board game boards… it is for an art project that I have locked in my head… so I went to my local Goodwill… and picked up any that I found interesting… one of them happened to be the Match Game… or so I thought… what I actually got was some came from the 70’s called The Ungame… yeah I had never heard of it either… more about the history of the game here… well the point of the game is to start a conversation or get you talking… the concept is just lame enough that I am in love with it… we are going to play a little game… 

Chewing On Glass Logo

 

The Question

What activity do you engage in that involves all of you: your mind, your body, and your soul?

The most obvious answer for me is writing… I put everything into this… my books… and my projects… so I’m not going to waste your time telling you something you could have guessed…So I am going to have to go with the thing that takes more of me than writing… My daughter… 

Mind… my daughter tests me every day with her three million questions about the same thing… or when she says… “I show you… I show you”… when she wants me to hear her sing… as I am trying to put out a grill fire… life be damned… stop and look at me… or when I have to hear Twinkle Twinkle Litte Star one more damn time… when all I want to do is listen to my favorite song… 

Body… whether she is digging her tiny little feet into me like I don’t exist… or swinging her arms at me like a crazed mad woman when she doesn’t want to leave the park… making me look like a kidnapper or awful person… or screaming into my ear to the point that it rings… because why not… “You’re so funny”… No, I’m so deaf now… 

Soul… because I would give her mine without a second thought… even if it was to add only one more second to hers.. she is one wild crazy ass child… but every moment with her is worth whatever it cost… I don’t think the meaning of life is to create life… but I do believe that she has become my purpose in this world…

Merch… Teespring… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

At Least That’s A Start…

The Drugs Aren’t Helping, Take Two A Day

Doing nothing drives the sanest insane
Bring me some new pain
I know I can take it
At all costs, it has to be this way
In the darkest holes I have found
I’ll be fine, wanted you to know
Dragging me through hell
This place I call home
Miss it more than I could know
Simple minded, stupid, what you will
I’ll survive, I’ll find a way to make it
Who I am, Who I’ve always been
Smiling and digging a grave
In your name I pray
You’ll never feel the way I do
I will always fail at this thing
Called life
I will always find a way
To embrace the things

I never wanted out of life

Stuck In Time… A Distant Past…

“You said you’d love me forever.”
“No, what I said was I once gave a damn.”
“You lie as though you believe it to be true.”
“Truth has a funny way of appearing to be a lie.”
“Then we shall see in the end who is telling the truth or telling a lie.”
Blood spurts from her neck, a fountain of life erupting for the first and only time. “In the end, we shall see,” she says with a grin.

“Blood in, blood out we are nothing more than the thoughts and ideas we choose to believe. Some days I think yeah I am more than this. I am more than a few ideas I stole from those around me, but I would be wrong. Human nature is nothing more than a copy. A copy of the animals, the nature around us evolved to their current point. We all evolve our traits, our ideas, and our very existence. A thousand years ago we were different, but yet we can look into the eyes of our past selves and see the similarities.” She stands there staring at me from the other side of the hot shelve. A metal slab bathed in red light and her face staring back at me from the other side.

“What the hell are you going on about now?” She asks her blonde hair perfectly held in place. “Is this another one of your epic speeches you build up in your head?” Her head is replaced with her pushed up breasts. Already large enough pushed up to look even larger. A secondary benefit to this job. “You know what it doesn’t matter its dinner rush and my table needs those fries.” I stare at the exposed flesh of her chest, “No one ever wants to hear what I say,” I say into her chest. Her face returns, “What?” I turn to the timer behind me. I glimpse the chaos that surrounds me on all sides. Transcending, drenched in thought I watch the timer count down one second at a time, “At least another minute.” The timer slowly ticks away as each thought crosses my mind. The world is full of useless people like us with useless jobs and careers. Most of us could easily be replaced by machines, but then what would we all do? Sit around and think about nothing? If we are to believe we are all the same. Then we have to realize that each of us is always thinking about something. Something so profound it could change the world as we know it. Tech so powerful that. “The fries man, the fucking fries,” another cook shouts. The timer beeps flashing zero over and over in a distinct annoying pattern. “Today asshole,” her voice cuts through all the noise.

My hand pulls the fries from the oil and I turn the timer off. Reaching for the bowl all of this becomes apparent. All of this becomes useless not only in my mind as I pour the fries into the bowl, but in my heart. What am I doing here? I shake the sea salt over the bowl tossing the fries as I do. Why is it that I do these things? I grab the small square plate and place a handful of fires onto it. Am I destined for something more? I pass off the fires to her, “About fucking time. Get your head in the game asshole.” She disappears as I place the rest of the fries under the red glow. Like vultures to a carcass more breast appear into view and hands pick at the bowl until there is nothing left.

There was once a girl that stood on the other side of that counter. Another face in the crowd of many. I remember her shape, but not her face. She asked me for ketchup. Over and over. Too busy I shouted without looking into her eyes. A mouse of a person. She wasn’t meant to work in a place full of predators. A place built on selfish, demanding assholes. She was too sweet to understand she didn’t belong. These thoughts fired off in my brain. My actions replaying, my words floating in the air. All she wanted was ketchup. Nothing more. It wasn’t for her. It wasn’t a large request and yet I couldn’t possibly stop for a second. The world is on fire in my mind. She’s nothing more than another flame. The thought haunts me at times. My actions as I see her shape walk away. I knew I was wrong. I knew better and yet I did nothing until it was over. I placed the tiny cup of ketchup in the window. Waiting for her return. Three days later she was dead. Three days later she wasn’t there anymore. Three days later everyone got ketchup as I tried to hold back the pain, the tears, and the regret of something so small.

My actions didn’t condemn her. A moment in our short time together. I never even learned her name. I’m sure she knew mine. Prince of the demanding assholes. Loudest of them all. I know she knew me, but I didn’t bother to know her. They say there is a God, but every turn I take I have yet to see such evidence. Searching for a reason that justifies taking the life of a twenty-year-old girl I’ve stopped searching. She didn’t do anything. She wasn’t part of any mysterious way. A victim of the uninsured. Too quiet to demand I give her the ketchup and too polite to seek treatment she couldn’t afford. Had she spoken up, had she said something, had she known, had so many things had happened I wonder what she would be doing today.

Follow your dreams… speak up… because no one is going to do it for you… but I’ll try for those of you that can’t… hopefully long before you are gone…

Merch… Teespring… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts…

Starting over once again
Here I am tell me what to do
I’m not sure why I am the way I am
Love the abuse I assume
Respect me for what I am not what you see
Asking the world to accept something that it can’t
Lost within the confines I set up myself
Built the wall only to rip it down for no reason at all
Waste of time
Standing for nothing yet pretending it makes me something
On the fence I suppose
Get me out of here, in my head
Too long of a vacation with nowhere to go
Locked away, deep inside
Sometimes saying something is saying nothing at all
So many words that I hate, use them over and over again
Bleeding ideas from my head
Forgive the fact I have nothing to say
Respect that I’ll try anyway

Most days I feel like killing myself. I don’t know what that says about my normal state of mind, but I’m guessing these feelings are on the wrong side of good. Pick myself up off the floor and keep going. I’m not going anywhere at a fast rate of speed and neither are these feelings. I try too hard for things that should come naturally. I try too hard for the things I think I want and half ass everything else. I have a mental disorder I think. I think I’m dumb or just stupid enough to not get it. By it I mean life. What is the point? To feel like this almost every day? I guess I’m succeeding in the end after all. Swimming in shit has been my life all along. A life line made of razor blades dangles in front of me. Should I take it or move on from these self-imposed feelings in my head?…

Mix of emotions about how I feel
On one hand I care on the other
You could all burn in Hell
Damnation or something worse
Not sure, don’t care
It won’t matter once you’re all gone
Irresponsible, irregardless
Words don’t mean shit unless
You give them meaning
With love from my throne of broken bones
Forever condemned to live through your sins

How can we be more than half of the world’s population and still be in this kind of shit? Because men control much more than half of the world’s money. Money equals power, power equals control. We took the easy way out and now we have to take the long hard road to get to where we should have been all along…

Not sure how I feel about the longer thought breaks… trying something different is nice every once in a while… I guess… I don’t like to try new things… I like to stick to what I know… nothing at all…

Women deserve better than the way we treat them… spread the word… let your voice be heard…

Merch… Teespring… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Amazon

For Those Who May Have Never Known…

Some things in this life are worse than fiction… some things are so real that even if I told them word for word as the truth… no one could ever believe… it is best to remember that not every one thinks like you… that not every one has shed their animal natures… and not every one in this world is good… it is easy to forget… it is easy to push out of our minds… what goes on behind our backs… and in the darkness… but not all horrible things happen in the dark…

This post is very different for me… maybe not in content… I tend to talk about things that are on the darker side of life… no this post is different… because unlike most of the things I post about… this poem is not about fiction… or dark thoughts that find their way into my head… I am a firm believer in the thought… that it is one thing to think or have dark thoughts… and a whole other to actually act on them… sticks and stones will break my bones… but words will never hurt me…I took that cliche in my mind and ran with it… built a fiction collection on it…

That is how I think… that is what I believe… but even with my own beliefs held firmly in place… some words… some ideas can be too much to bear… the topic of my poem today is… Sylvia Likens… and my reverse order for my post is because unlike most things I write… I feel context… what I think… How I feel about what happened to Sylvia… Is more important than the work below…

For those of you who don’t know… Sylvia Likens was a child in 1965… who was abused… tortured… raped… and killed… not by a serial killer… not by a known sex offender… not even by her parents… but by those in her community… by the very children she knew… by her very neighbors… there is so much to this story… to the truth of the event… that I can’t and won’t be covering in this post… more about the tragic death of Sylvia Likens can be found here

There have been movies… stories written… about Sylvia and the horrors she has been through… and even if you have read or seen any of them… then you know they only scratched the surface of her horrible experience… She has long been laid to rest… but her memory is not forgotten… Her tale as horrific as it was… should never be forgotten… Because people… children… still experience similar horrors every day… to this day… this is long over due… it needs to stop…

Many of us may have even experienced some… many of the things she was put through… may be even today… right now as we read… we need to put an end to it… we need to open our eyes… our hearts… and our minds… because… just because you don’t see it… doesn’t mean it isn’t happening… just because you don’t have the time… doesn’t mean it isn’t happening… just because it isn’t happening to you… doesn’t mean it isn’t happening… because it does and it is… in our silence… these monsters are slipping through the cracks… as we look away… people are being tortured… children are suffering… this isn’t an isolated incident… this isn’t something that only happens to someone based on skin color… age… where we live… or sex… these are things that can and happen to anyone…

I myself was a victim of abuse… I know how it can feel… I understand the shame… the fear of speaking up… will it happen more?… if I just keep my head down… then it will pass… I’ll be fine… excuses we tell ourselves to survive… Truth is the monster will always live in the dark… until you bring it to the light… I say you… but it takes more… it takes us all… There is no harder thing in this world than to ask for help… no matter the situation… it is the hardest thing any of us will ever face… but if you don’t… if we don’t… no one will…

Many of the signs are easy to overlook… it was a one off… it was an accident… abuse is hard to define… it doesn’t seem like it would be… seems pretty straight forward… but it isn’t… that is why so many people suffer in silence… reach out and get turned down… because of this one way thinking… because we aren’t paying attention… this is how and why… Sylvia was tortured… abused… until she died… It is easy to point at her tortures… her abusers… as the monster… but in this extreme case… the monsters weren’t just the ones in the room with her… but the society that surrounded her… that’s why we need to be paying attention… speaking up… and taking action… big or small… we must do all that we can…

Accidents do happen… people go to far… as a victim I know the signs… if anything good came from my abuse… my experience is that I know when I might go to far… when I am wrong… and need to take a step back… I know how easy it can be to cross that line… I’m not immune because I am a victim… I’ve said things that I regret… almost done things that I know were too far… I’ve seen the look of fear that I know myself once carried on the face of those around me… a look that has brought me to my knees… to tears… and made me question who it is I have become… I’ve seen both sides of the line… I have felt how either side of the line can feel… and just because I didn’t act upon my anger doesn’t mean I too couldn’t be a monster… I’m not a saint… I am human… we all are… and not one of us is perfect… but… there is a difference between an incident of abuse… and a pattern of repeated abuse… neither of which should go unchecked… or be put up with… seen as okay…

I was lucky… as far as my abuse went… as much as the memories still hurt me today… I was lucky… that I ended up in the hospital… that people around me spoke up… and did something… that my mother said enough was enough… a victim herself… not all of us are so lucky… for some of us… we don’t receive any help… until it is too late… Take care of yourselves… Take care of each other… it may seem like nothing… but it could change someone’s life…

Sylvia Likens

Kicking and screaming
Dragging and bleeding
Taken to the basement
Time to figure things out
Pressed against what’s left of the mattress
Laying naked next to the floor
What did you call me
You called me a whore
Silently screaming
Begging and pleading
Took me to the darkness
Time to figure it out
Strung up by the wrists
Stripped of everything I had left
What did you do to me
You stabbed me some more
Dying and breathing
Scarring and seething
Taken to another level
Time to let the devil out
Burned the words into the flesh
No one would want me
That’s what you said

Because Asking Would Be Too Off Putting…

Diving right into the subject on this one. I’m sure I’ll dip in and out of anything I have to say. Thought about all of this six hours ago. My favorite book of all time is Post Office by Charles Bukowski. If you haven’t read it well. Well, you should have by now. Bukowski is something else. Amazon has labels, the library has a section, but to me Bukowski is life. With that said is Post Office the greatest book ever written? Probably not. Could care less if anyone or no one else likes it.

The thing about Post Office that I love so much is this feeling. This feeling that life will never get better. This feeling that life is a trap. This feeling that you will always be stuck doing the same thing forever. I struggle with these issues on a daily basis as I’m sure most of us do. This doesn’t go away as we get older. But in a sense, you have to settle. I hate to use that word and by definition what I’m about to say would go against that word. You get a fucking Thesaurus I’m writing here.

Point is that in life not everything is perfect all the time. Not every aspect of your life is what you dreamed it would be. One realizes with time that the only power they have is to choose which aspects of their lives to focus on. You can only spin so many fucking plates until it all comes crashing down.

I work hard at my job. Ask any of them and I’m awesome or whatever, but that place could burn down tomorrow. I’d be more pissed that I now have to find another job I don’t care about then anything to do with that place.  I settled for my job. Oh well could give a fuck. I need money for things I actually care about.

I didn’t settle on my family or the time that I spend with them. I don’t settle on my writing. Maybe after draft eighteen, but most of the time I don’t. These are things that I can make perfect. Things that I can care about. Things that make me happy. Yes, I have that emotion somewhere deep down in there. Things I won’t settle for.

Post Office didn’t teach me any of this. What Post Office did was made me realize I was trapped. That I was lost. That I was going to get stuck. Post Office made me think and that is why books are important. I saw the parallels that I was living to the main character, and I knew that, that was not what I wanted. I knew I didn’t want to just get by in this life. I had a goal and I needed to do more than hope. I needed to do more than let the waves drag me under. Fuck what happens. That is what Post Office left me with. This feeling that what was going to happen was going to happen anyway. Might as well fuck with it until it does. We get one life. Take a chance.

“In the morning it was morning and I was still alive. Maybe I’ll write a novel, I thought. And then I did.”

Charles Bukowski, Post Office

Merch… Teespring… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Letter To Myself…

When you look back over a life time you realize just how much time you’ve wasted. You see how minutes are not hours, hours not as days or weeks are lifetimes. You see however that years become seconds and decades minutes. Time slips right by without even a second look. The twenty-five-year-old me would say I live without regrets and the fifty-year-old me would tell you how much I live with only regrets. He’d tell you all about how much time I wished I could get back. Time is wasted on the young and stupid. Not that we truly get any smarter with age. I mean I am sitting here writing to any empty audience and wasting the very time I wish to get back. Age is a trip. God damn is it ever. If I could go back in time, I’d tell the twenty-five-year-old me to quit working and go have some fun.

I’d tell him money is worthless and all the shit wasted on it is just that, shit. I’d tell him so many things I already tell myself every day.  I’d say live for today and not the week. If only I could go back and warn him of the old man he will become. That’s what I would do if I could go back in time. I’d be selfish for the first time in my life. Never look back, because all you will find is regrets for all the time wasted. A lifetime of waiting for something better is really nothing more than a waste of life.

There’s never going to be a better time than now. When you’re young, when you still have life not at the end of it. Not when there’s nothing left because that is all that is left after a life time of saving and waiting, a whole lot of nothing. You could say that I’m bitter, but I’m just being honest. If you can take one thing from this, I hope it is the message to live, to have fun, to have a life worth looking back on. Because in the end this is all that matters, having something to look back on. If only I had listened to myself then instead of now.

Oh, and she cheats on you with your best friend, and the kids all hate you because they think it’s your fault the family fell apart. Your hair will only last a couple more years and a decade after that your dick won’t be able to get up without a little bit of help. Your life savings. Well, you will spend it all, but not on anything worth saving for. Medical bills mostly and a place to burry the dog. It took a life time to learn that so use the information well. Good luck and maybe when it’s all said and done. We won’t be the same and you’ll have something else to say when we are back here again.  But I know us better than we’d like to admit. So, I’ll be seeing you real soon.

M.T. Billings

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Getting Harder to Breathe

I spent a life time not on social media. Recently I joined up and now I am behind once again. The world keeps spinning, dredging up old wounds. Starting over can be the hardest part. A lot of us get lost in the darkness forgetting who we are or what we stand for. Mass media has long been the standard for the writer. The credible source. I used to joke, play around, and dream of a world of miss information. Then I grew up, then it actually happened. It wasn’t what I had hoped for. It wasn’t what it seemed like it would be.

The fake news, the real news they try to replace each other. Switch their roles. This isn’t the first time in our history or any body’s history. We went to war over miss information. Sadly, it won’t be the last except this time could very well be the last time. Things have changed since the USS Maine wasn’t attacked by Spain. Information is power and without it we are all weak. Without reliable information and a wave of mass information I find myself being turned off by it all. Isolating myself as everyone else is or is slowly doing. Wait for the history books to be written just so I can know what I lived through. Has it always been like this?

I like to think that it hasn’t until I read old books from the past discussing topics of today. I don’t mean science fiction or future utopias with flying cars. What I mean is topics about abortion, immigration, security, and others. Topics that have never changed or even given a chance to change. Stuck in the same place for over a hundred or more years. Some of these problems have been problems for so long it is amazing they are still problems. Example? Imagine you never learned to use a toilet. Imagine you have been shitting and pissing on yourself since the moment you were born. Do you believe that doing it at eighty is really a problem? No, it is normal. Imagine how much better your life could have been if you had tried to learn. Even after you moved out of the comfort of your parents’ home. Maybe they had different views or concerns about shitting your pants. That’s okay every parent is different, but there comes a time you must decide for yourself what you believe. A time when you enter society and realize we don’t all piss right then and there. We follow order and rule. For better or worse we make rules to avoid the chaos of it all. They don’t always work. Sometimes things have to be changed or given a chance. No one society is perfect or believes the same exact things. We hold many similar views, but many of those have evolved over time. The issues of the past need to stop bleeding out our future.

A hundred years ago they didn’t have to worry about global warming. It wasn’t a thing. Well, it was maybe depending on what you believed caused it, but the point is now we do have to worry about it. Life evolves is what I am getting at and living with your head in the ground isn’t going to help any. We need to stop avoiding the problems and move on from them. You may not believe global warming exist. Okay fine by me no judgement here, but when you get a moment go into your garage. Don’t bother opening the door, and turn your car on. Whether you believe global warming exist or not… you wouldn’t do what I just said to do. No one is that stupid without a purpose. Global Warming is the same concept but on a global scale.

There are a lot of things that need facts and statistics… maybe even a fuck ton of science. But not every thing needs fancy fixens. Maybe if we all cut back on emissions… hold countries and companies accountable… the world will still get hotter. Maybe it won’t. Who the fuck knows, but at the very least the air gets cleaner, the trees come back stronger, and best of all we leave a world for our asshole children to destroy? Isn’t that the real goal in life? We act as if we even try to make a change we might all suffocate to death… It is fucking madness. Ass backwards and always ready to forge ahead. All I am trying to saying is let’s move past these trivial things that hold us down. Shit cost money, shit takes up our time, and unfortunately things change from time to time. Now if you will excuse me, I have to change my pants.

Tune in next week when I discuss abortion in a series… I like to call Alienating Myself From Myself… If you get offended very easily… you are going to love this shit...